I sit here in the midst of an amount of wash not known to mankind. I look, I think. I ask what more could I have done.
It was before the death of my husband that it was noticed that my oldest needed help. Something was “wrong”. She was then only in the 3rd grade. 3 years later when her Father died, she never really came back to her pre 3rd grade personality. What happened to her is still a mystery, only known to the monster that is eating at her life.
At the age of 21 now, no where near being able to move out and move “on”, no where near being able to reach to ask what it living inside her head making her the self destructive person she is by not caring about her personal belongings, not finding value in anything at all, what do you do?
What do you do when YOU have survived only to live in the eyes of the trauma you child can’t break through, perhaps never break through. How do you deal with the pain today, that was far worse than the pain of yesterday.
You pray….you hope…you cry and then you cry again.
Time is very much synchronated, but not the clock of survival. There we all wear own very own personalized watch.
For your child, it is being there. Promising them that you will never give up on them even if they give up on themselves….and holding that promise sacred. Their time will come. It must.
I have two daughters, now young women that cannot make it in the world on their own. For the oldest, I gave up one day and realized I had to let her go. I had to let the world consume her and watch it unfold. When I told a retired nurse of my grief to lose this child she implored me to hold on and never show the pain only the love. It took years but it worked. We are not safe yet but she smiles often, laughs a lot, enjoys her measured life with her two children and we are still a family. You love your daughter. There can be no greater hope or cure than that. Hold on, just hold on to her and never let her go anywhere without your love.
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Thank you….I just want the smiles back… 😦
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Dearest Heather
You are a very strong women and a blessing for your children. It must be very difficult to see a child in pain, lost in their world and not interested in building their own. Therapy may help her make small steps to ignite the desire of her own life. One treatment used for soldiers leaving the military is called, EMDR, I think the letters are in right order. My therapist has suggested I go thru the therapy. I don’t know the specific details, the therapy is trauma based. If you would like more info, visit the NAMI.org site. I pray her life will open a door over time. I’m here if you need me.
M
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There is a proverb “the rain falls on the good and bad alike.” Your love has been your daughter’s umbrella. I hope one day she will heal under it.
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Beautiful, Anne. Thank you!!!!
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You’re welcome 🙂
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