Visitation.
That word says it all for me.
It’s usually a battle. And I never look forward to it.
I’m ashamed that I feel myself withdraw from my daughter because the torture I go through with her mother over the issue.
It’s NOT right.
I know this.
I am a poor dad for doing so.
“I’m human”, I plead to the masses ready to lead me to the desert of retribution outside the city gates for crucifixion.
“It hurts too much.”
“It’s too much to take.”
And my resolve collapses.
Shame on me.
This week I made a small stride…
“D”(aughter) went to Florida with her mom for 10 days.
She was to return today to spend 10 days with me.
She called last night to ask if she could stay in Florida for another four days.
I told her “yes” and to enjoy herself.
Some Lessons I Learned-
1. Humility. In the grand scheme of things, “D” is the Lord’s child, not mine. I am merely His earthly representative to guide His child on her earthly journey. This has helped make these valleys of mine, “easier” to traverse. It helps me put things in perspective.
I had to let go of my pride and focus not on what would hurt me, but what would glorify Him.
This. Can. Be. A. Tough. Lesson.
2. Selflessness. I had to put someone else’s desires above my own egocentric wants. Was it the right decision? Did it answer the question “What Would Jesus Do”? I have faith that it did.
3. Anger. I was able to harness my anger and resentment towards “D’s” mother. This is a struggle I have, thanks to my anger-based personality. Last night, I won in the gladiatorial arena.
4. Spirit Strength. It was not my inner strength and resolve that enabled me to take the high road. I don’t have that strength.
I am a person of retribution and vengeance.
I have cruel intentions.
I am a person that crumbles to getting even rather than understanding.
Totally opposite of what Christianity teaches, right? Yes, you are correct.
That’s why this situation wasn’t resolved because of my intestinal fortitude. The only reason I was able to traverse this river of Styx was through the Holy Spirit’s power.
C
This is a raw brutality honest post. You lay the struggle with the demons and quilt as you grow spiritually. We are all flawed, God knows all our secrets. Spend time on your knees thanking God, for the strength he’s given and he will guide you. I converted to a different religion, no one in my family understood why. I felt a deep connection to the religion, at 14 my teachers were proud for me. Making such a big decision at my age I felt alone. I was so far from being a good Christian. Life stumped me at times but granny always said God is in control and what you’re experiencing is preparing you for the next struggle. I live by my granny’s words. Being a Christian doesn’t make life easier, it’s your faith and how you live, that counts.
You have people supporting you.
M
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Thank you, M. I appreciate your encouragement and kindness. I’m happy that you found a path that fits your soul. And at age 14, what a tale of strength!
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The nuns at “bad girl” boarding school taught me lessons of a lifetime. I gained the confidence to keep walking forward no matter.
🙂
M
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The normal Christian life is not the average Christian life. We are broken walking by the Spirit – keep at it brother.
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Thank you for you honest encouragement, Chris. I will keep at it because of your words. X Chris
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