An upheaval of paranoia 

In the previous week we said goodbye to my sister inlaws husband his battle to cancer came to a sad hult 26 June he took his last breathe well his family sang to him ..what an awesome way to go I thought so much love ..then last Saturday we had his memorial service .As we gathered Hundreds others came to pay there respects he was well love all around. As we spent 5 days down there with 19 others sharing the house it was a continuous job washing dishes and cleaning up shopping for food and drink checking in on my sister inlaw and kids ..Hubby continued tasks around there house that were not completed as they built a new home about 2 years ago, so we painted fences fixed gates put locks on…I ran our boys to hockey games for a distraction of all the emotions going on as I don’t drink well others celebrated his life I was happy to distract kids and teenagers and quietly it was coping mechanism for my anxiety as becs and I had organized before hand.Its been challenging as I continue with extreme anxiety and voices, the day of the memorial hubby had to take me home later at 7 pm to look after me. .I was greatful exhausted and of much need for sleep and to get back to my home in auckland but it wasn’t till next day we drove back in. 

With all done we home and my head hit worst anxiety ever and Becs is seeing me 2x a week to work through the weeks the deal being last week I contact my not so favorite mental health. .just to be put on a massive dose of quitiapine within a few hours I was numb and tired I couldn’t have cared for the world yet alone comprehend a conversation about what was wrong, but I drag myself off to becs and tried! ! After a few days I began paranoia it was awful frightening I was sure things were going to happen  and when I got myself back home I rang mental health only to be told stop it immediately it’s a side effect my vision was awful as well blurry a few days before all this I was told to stop clonozepam as it makes anxiety worse,  now as we spoke I was being told to stop quitiapine and only use clonozepam WHO DO I LISTEN TO? ?

Today is my first day without quitiapine and I’m edgy as for last night I was up numerous times thinking people were braking in or I was having a heart attack of which non was real..If I’m not keeping busy in a quiet environment then I’m absolutely anxious. ..

I’m trying some of my sensory modulation stuff like heavy blankets and sensory stuff in my hands of which it helps a little. A lady Thursday from wrap group spent hour with me trying to calm me with some sensory stuff but it’s hard work,but I’m greatful not to be alone when they around. Mental health will contact me wed again lol a whole week before touching base makes its hard as I feel I’m not being listen to people are running away besides Becs, I’m continously nausea and eating little 😭:|


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