Summary of ups and downs 

I seem to be moving in circles since coming home and my medicine situation is a continuous fight…I manage hourly but as from yesterday I finally woke feeling ,feeling some emotion that was surpressed by quitiapine the tears poured well I shook uncontrollably wondering if it will be another hell of a day ..only to be surprised later that it was a release and I melted down later in exhaustion …😩

I had work wise later in afternoon here at home to discuss with me my latest job offer teaching again but honestly it’s a no go I CAN’T and I feel like a failure :'(a failure to be unable to provide more for my little family I know hubby has a good job and yes I’m working 27 hours a week now it was just given to me before I was 13 hours  but I wanted to go back full-time to my profession but there’s no way I can 😬

Today I woke nik and I completed lots the family arrive from UK Saturday and I even went to get some stuff for my scrapbooking now days I try at least when I can’t sleep to do this …we then got some extra bedding for patches our loyal hound as its winter and I throw bedding away that was his that’s had better days we went to a second hand Store and browsed, slowly ,calmly I actually enjoyed it ..Nik completed his crate bed today as well and did an awesome job too! “BRIGHT SON”

Tonight I’m trying Still to maintain that feeling though in honesty I’m shaking and chest pain comes with my anxiety. ..Funny I think something as small as my key worker not sticking to her agreement to call me today at 3.30 has caused my anxiety ,in past mental health or other professionals not keeping there words have caused much anxiety and feelings that I don’t matter..again i haven’t heard from mental health since Friday when my son made the call and I was paranoid from quitiapine increase,there promises are in vain iv given up.

But I’m incredibly greatful for Becs I’m seeing her twice a week, tomorrow we working on a strategy for my anxiety when family arive Saturday and of course any stuff that surfaced in between sessions and this week im faced with some past sexual feelings Yuk I need to let out !

Tomorrow is hectic my clients canceled today well two did an so tomorrow I’ll start at 9…move on and do therapy at 12 move on and then do wrap at 3pm lastly shopping at night I hope I manage! 

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