This Depression Thing

The whole issue with this depression thing – it has sucked all life out of me like some soul harvester.

This past year has been one of the most relentless struggles I’ve had to endure. It gets worse each day I aimlessly trudge through my daily dosage of hours like a walker. And I don’t see an end in sight.

I feel like I stare at an hourglass in front of me. Glossy-eyed and lost faced, watching each grain of sand tumble through the bottleneck , building up the mountain in the chamber below that represents time passed.

The sand falls in slow motion.

Maybe you can relate?

shades_01I don’t see the sunshine. I’ve had this gray film over my life. It is a sunny, bright, 82º outside my Norfolk, VA apartment. I can’t see it. I don’t feel the warmth in my soul. I keep all the blinds shut. It’s not the kind of depression where you can simply open the blinds and the gray is gone. That doesn’t work. Our friends will suggest it…to open the shades and let the sunshine in. But those who don’t live with it can’t ever understand that just doesn’t work. It’s a fog of war. It stays.It permeates the skin and sinks down to the core. It’s a wave that has to be ridden.

I’ve been riding the crashing part of the barrel for months.

I have no drive. It’s really hard to continue when you feel so hopelessly apathetic. I get so sick of looking at the hourglass and longing for sleep. If I feel inspired to do something I change to something else before I finish what I started. So many things left unfinished. I wander back and forth in my apartment sometimes feeling that I’m going crazy. Most people that don’t live with this affliction would quickly suggest to exercise. All the other articles and advice out there scream that, but how can you bring yourself to that if you can’t even walk across the street to the beach on such an ideal day?

I’m numb and I don’t feel happiness. I don’t feel the happiness that other people feel when it’s sunny out. I should. I want to feel it. I want to feel “normal”. I want the chemicals in my body to react like that. I don’t want to be numb anymore. Catatonic. Zombie-ish. I’m trying to blog it out because journaling is supposed to be the best form of therapy for depression. It hardly is for me. It’s not cathartic. I’ve had an impossible time dragging myself to type this post and hardly feel any form of relief or healing from doing so. Getting a buzz from drinking (exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing, I know) used to give me a tinge of happiness. Now, that doesn’t even work. I’ve lost all interest in all things: writing, drinking, walking on the beach, reading, drawing, sex, photography, being a dad, friendships. I’ve thought a lot about dying. Not being suicidal, but just as a quiet way to end the mind numbing hourglass watching.Quote_gray_001

I fail at relationship. I isolate. I drive people away. I drive myself away from people. I isolate myself from those who love and care about me. It makes me drive those away who love me. 

I’ve lost a foothold in my faith. I used to find peace when I read the Word and prayed early in the morning. That has been sucked away too. I don’t have the same happiness that I see on other believers’ faces, like when I used to go to church. I want that simple happiness of just waking up and being happy. I know they have their own problems, and sometimes that smile is just plastered on, but I just want to feel the Spirit move me to happiness.

*    *     *

How does your depression make you feel?

Maybe all this strikes a cord. If it does, please remember: you certainly are not alone.

 

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8 comments

  1. Chris
    It’s hard to hear the thoughts and feelings I’ve struggled with from someone you care for. I’m fortunate to have years under my belt going up and down and having a doctor who makes my life stable, as stable as anyone with or without mental illness. We all carry some load, some have no problem carrying yet others who’s mind/body is not aligned from mental health it may feel/look like the highest mountain. We are all different and so is our mental illness. I talk to newly diagnosed people who have not learned there is no cookie cutter and every doctor has their experience to pull from to fix the right cocktail of medicine. I was diagnosed over 30 years ago and each year my body changes and so meds are tweeted.
    I’ve gone thru complete withdraw from Xanax which is an anchor in my cocktail. The load I was ignoring, mostly pain, I took to many before my RX could refill, taking the eye off my meds cost me a week + in withdraw, one of my worst. I had to pick up the pieces of my brain and still working on before I could take one pill then over the next several weeks get level with my meds and address the pain I allowed to throw me in hell.
    I understand but we both know that doesn’t send the demon away. Each person has to grab what support they have and push our doctor to understand where we are and they need to make a change. Hopefully not a forever change but you have to be mighty as Goliath to live with the pot holes up ahead.
    I’m always thinking about you and praying for strength and healing.
    M

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your courageous words, Melinda. I am saddened by your struggles and praise you for your strength. You model courage and resilience like a lot of my other WP friends. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, again X

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  2. I have been depressed since Easter 2011, I am supposed to have bipolar affective disorder but even it is disordered. I know about the Grey and the well meaning others.
    I have said to myself “O.K., so this looks like it forever”. I try to befriend it, not to yearn for normalcy it doesn’t exist. Our best days are the norm and if there are none, then that ,too, is it.So I spend time doing nothing but focusing on why it doesn’t go, why I cannot go out,I have Epilepsy which gave the ‘fiend’ life. While I live their is hope and Jesus will carry me because right now there are only one set of prints in the sand!

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