Iv never quite understand all the years my mother’s attempts to suicide. .

It’s a strange feeling for me I’m not wanting to commit suicide but rather a feeling of hurting myself. .it definitely comes with the unknown or changes happening around me I think! ..of the last few days my son has sharpened a set of kitchen knifes for us and inoccentely ask me to feel how sharp they are,cutting myself felt strangely nice .Just this week as well it felt good hurting myself closing my hand in the car door by accident? ??a pain that was nice !Daily I feel I want more ..that’s scary.

I feel embarrassment to tell anyone but strangely it’s true it’s feeling good. It leaves me wondering is this how my mom felt except they were worst attempts nearly dieing

I shudder to ring Hannes the psychologist but iv promised myself to tell him Friday what I feel as I don’t really wanna die but the feeling is nice to experience ,is this possible?