My head is in the sand

Well literally that’s how today has felt as I had Hannes and the psychiatrist. 

.Hannes spent much time touching on my thought pattern and if suicide was still an option “hell I’m not sure “and I’ll tell u why,the last two days iv had remarkably un interrupted sleep. .but my stability is still remarkably uneven  I have more downs than ups and when I hit that low suicide creeps back in as that bright possibility. The pain is inevitable I battle and I’m scared  of another period of suddenly deciding no meds for me .Hannes tried practically to describe how I’m not the same as my mom in terms of her medication addiction, so I try to listen and comprehend it goes something like this ,the pain killers she takes effects hipper campus of the brain, the meds I take for mental illness effects different part of the brain were addiction can’t take place ..hell it was something like this anyway! Hannes also explained that well I was so off track and thoughts so wild with my voices  my look appeared so out of character and that made him worry, he describes I looked full in the face with bulging eyes and spoke with harshness and hatred. 

The ups and downs leave anxiety present most of the time and meds fall some were in between it all ..THE BIG WHAT IF I STOP OR FALL OFF THE TRACK IS WORRYING ME ,not like im on the track fully ,so if this is true why can I not stay on meds ? My million dollar question it looms.. my up bringing, my mom’s addiction, and what a looser I’m if I go down her track .

David the dr asked how I was coping with moving grrr gues not and what exactly my plan of suicide was ?by this stage I was fucked off irritation was high and my chest was hard with pain ..together we did breathing excercises and I finally gave in ..I FEEL LIKE THE LOOSER IV LOST LIFE ,I CAN NO LONGER SEE THE LIGHT IT’S TO HARD. We chatted and his going to continue  my meds until mental health pick me up on the other side ,though a bigger dose would help heaps but his reluctant to push me but mostly hoping I’ll stay just on what I’ve got now.

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