If you could see me you probably wouldn’t be able to tell what surviving means.
Unless you had it.
A.k.a. depression.
Your Specter may be different.
PTSD.
Anxiety.
Bipolar
Dissociative Disorders
Borderline Personality Disorder…
…Mental. Illness. (I like to call them Mental Health Conditions)
It’s been severe for me going on close to a year. That monkey on your back that you can’t shake loose.
No matter what medications you’re on.
No matter how much exercise you do.
No matter how much sleep you get.
No matter how many friends you could call in an instant to support you.
No matter how sunny and warm it is.
No matter what you do, or don’t do, it’s always there…your Specter.
Here’s what surviving my Specter means-
- Apathy – Perhaps this should more accurately be categorized as catatonic or numbness. A deep-seated emotional disconnect from life. Nothing makes me happy. I don’t smile. I don’t laugh. I have a lack of enthusiasm and interest and I’m indifferent to the things that go on around me (though I did get out to vote, yay me). I don’t get joy from anything, not even blogging or drawing. I’ve convinced myself that it’s the meds but maybe it’s Specter’s claws gripping my throat until I give up and cease to care.
- Lethargy – I’ve been going to bed around 7 pm every night for the past several months. By that time, I’m so disinterested that sleep is the only thing that could quell the apathy. I used to stay up late so I guess this is a good thing, but not really. What’s worse is that I set my alarm for 3:45 to take my Adderall, hoping I’ll feel like getting out of bed by 6:30, but that’s hopeless. For the most part, it’s still a long-enduring struggle and I usually slap the alarm clock in disgust as I try my hardest to mutate my way to the shower.
- Isolation – Depression teaches you that you’re worthless. It forces you to harshly criticize yourself for what seem like rational thoughts – You’re overweight; You’re always angry; You never smile,; You’re never happy; Who could stand to be around you? Its cunning schemes trick you into believing that you are bringing others down when you’re around them. You believe these lies and suddenly they become your reality. And you don’t want to be around others. Suddenly there’s a solace in being alone. No fear of being judged by others (my friends never have) or worrying about impressing others. And you grab your security blanket, turn off the lights, turn on Netflix, and cocoon yourself from the outside world. I’ve perfected this by going a step further and have disconnected my doorbell.
- Suicidal Thoughts – Ah yes, these. The icing on the cake. When sleep isn’t enough, death is. It seems like the only way out. But it’s not. I know how bad those thoughts can get – I acted on my own suicidal thoughts a couple years back. If you have these thoughts, please contact someone as soon as you can. Then, make sure you have a safety plan in place. Have three friends you can call before you start spiraling downward. Preferably someone who can come sit with you. It must be three in case the first two don’t answer for some reason. Also, make it clear to these friends why you want their help – at a time when you aren’t having suicidal thoughts. My friends in the U.S. can call the lifeline given below.
This is what it means for me to survive the Specter.
I hope you can’t relate.
Chris
I read this post again, can relate so close to your Specter, it’s mine. One thing I see in this photo you may not. You have a beautiful sparkle in your eyes and a half smile. The day may bet you down all day, get up and move forward. I want to see an updated post with your positives or at least traits you like in yourself. I have no doubt that list isn’t blank.
M
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Chris
I’m thinking of you, wanted you to know. I will send out two emails soon, one to group as an update, followed by a one on one chat about ideas, anything.
Miss you.
M
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Chris
I’m thinking of you, for a long time now. You can email me at msandorm@verizon.net if you want a private place to talk. Talking thru your blog isn’t the best way for us to tell each other what is going on.
I’m worried.
Hugs
M
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Chris
Are you ok, little okay or other direction. You’re in my heart daily, praying, how can I help? My hands aren’t powerful enough, commitment yet believe you and God can talk anything thru.Chris your talent is writing, art and short stories. Our site would not be the service Survivor’s is.You’re a key player at Survivors Blog Here and your growth in followers gives you a thermostat that shows almost immediate.
Chris-take my hand, we can pray together or just hang talking BS.
🙂 M
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Hi Chris
I’m having a difficult time to educate on Child/Young Sexual Abuse. There are memories, many or specifically. The voice of memories and extreme pain, tells we came together shining a light on the reality. By rebloging and being a guest blogger, We can add what let’s put out heads together and focus on how.
I have wanted to shine a light, it’s not a post I could do by myself.
Please email when you have a chance, let’s see the best way to Educate.
🙂
M
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This hits home! My specter is depression, which I’ve had for 50 years. Everything you say rings true for me.
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Thank you Paul. I am sorry that we share the same Specter, but maybe there is solace in that. Would you be interested in doing a guest blog post around the topic? Readers would love to hear what you have to say. Thank you again for taking your time to read and comment, my friend. I appreciate it, X.
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Sorry, I don’t think I would be comfortable writing overtly about my depression. Thanks for the invitation though.
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That’s understandable and you’re welcome.
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