about to start the worst time of my year, from December 24th through January 3rd. Christmas Eve through the day my brother and his friends first raped me. i trust no one. constant anxiety. lack of sleep. leaving the bathroom light on because i can’t handle total darkness. despising my very existence. hating myself for all the bad that has happened in my life. angry for every time i had any enjoyment. positive of the negative effect i have on people in general.
i sit and stare at the screen. start to type something then backspace and remove it. past experience tells me the more i share, the less the weight on my shoulders. releasing this into the ether has typically been beneficial. but wading through the humiliation of it all is almost unbearable.
i want to crawl in a hole and hide. i don’t want to be seen –…
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