survivor road

about to start the worst time of my year, from December 24th through January 3rd.  Christmas Eve through the day my brother and his friends first raped me.  i trust no one.  constant anxiety.  lack of sleep.  leaving the bathroom light on because i can’t handle total darkness.  despising my very existence.  hating myself for all the bad that has happened in my life.  angry for every time i had any enjoyment.  positive of the negative effect i have on people in general.

i sit and stare at the screen.  start to type something then backspace and remove it.  past experience tells me the more i share, the less the weight on my shoulders.  releasing this into the ether has typically been beneficial.  but wading through the humiliation of it all is almost unbearable.

i want to crawl in a hole and hide.  i don’t want to be seen –…

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