the end of another stressful year or the beginning of a new one?

survivor road

about to start the worst time of my year, from December 24th through January 3rd.  Christmas Eve through the day my brother and his friends first raped me.  i trust no one.  constant anxiety.  lack of sleep.  leaving the bathroom light on because i can’t handle total darkness.  despising my very existence.  hating myself for all the bad that has happened in my life.  angry for every time i had any enjoyment.  positive of the negative effect i have on people in general.

i sit and stare at the screen.  start to type something then backspace and remove it.  past experience tells me the more i share, the less the weight on my shoulders.  releasing this into the ether has typically been beneficial.  but wading through the humiliation of it all is almost unbearable.

i want to crawl in a hole and hide.  i don’t want to be seen –…

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