Increasingly difficult 

The weekend has difficult you wonder after all this time I’d have this down pat but no….my family has been the brand of my other side my other me and as I was reminded usually it’s high anxiety then me pushing to avoid feeling and then comes voices and the other me!

I text my therapist today she rang back I was busy my phone said there’s a voice mail message instead she had forgotten to put the phone down and was talking to her colleague mentioning she doesn’t have kids so February they’ll go on leave to south island for nearly a month. .Fuck I feel as though she’s leaving and panic takes over It’s horrible. She rang early evening now asking how it feels if she doesn’t reply to my texts but phones a few days later instantly I say why would I care that’s Ok ..BUT IT’S NOT OK WOMEN! 

I guess this is were I breathe I will survive these are just  feelings of my unknown me that erupt at times..I still have a me somewhere inside! 

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8 comments

  1. Lis
    I’m proud of you for telling her, you heard the conversation since she didn’t close phone in her office. It’s improper for a Therapist to ever bring their personal life into the office. inappropriate for any one.

    Professionals say, I have an emergency call and I need to step out. I’ll be right back to let you know if I need to cancel or not. If ‘s an emergency and you wait longer than 15 minutes, (what’s appropriate) you should not be billed. I would leave a note, She can call about scheduling next appt.

    If to stressful to talk about in person, send an email. You have to resolve issues in order for the relationship to work. You have to talk to build trust. Don’t let the anger build up.

    XxM

    Look forward to hearing back.

    Like

    • M I hadn’t told her about me hearing her message. .
      But the last 4 day this week have been extremely difficult between that conversation, brian telling me I’m a waist of space and meeting my new key worker. .
      Yesterday and today have felt like ending my life but have pushed through some how ..
      So today she rang I manage to convey that me hearing that message means she’s leaving me my entire life people leave. .and then I told her about brian sex always plays a part for me to make up because I’m not worth it and his threats to leave or me not worth it ..and the new key worker is nice just another challenge to trust. ..
      She apologies and understands my life was entirely made up of this ..I think I’ll be ok again as for my issues with Brian I don’t know it’ll be learning curb I’m worth alot

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  2. Hi Lis
    I’m having a stressful time, issues with email for close to to a month and my heath make everything difficult. I forget so quickly, I can’n write my password down before I forget. You don’t need or don’t want to think of me. I care for you greatly and the priority is you getting close to stable as possible. I want all you energy on your family and #1 yourself. You can’t move forward if you worry about me. We’ll still talk, just not as often, I’m your friend.. I’m the friend who stands by when the rest have gone. The important part of stability is being a rock. You made huge step up to and after the move. stability will give you more good days. Focus on what gives you strength. I’m alway here, if I don’t respond, it means I’m in bead battling my body. You focus on you, I’ll focus getting well.
    Remember friendship and love don’t go away, you’re always on my mind.
    Keep praying, asking for guidance, what can you do for God. Giving build would strength.
    Xx M

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are a person of value on the inside and outside. Your getting a cram session on what your mental illness and BPD do when they get together. You have a tornado inside, just moved, stress of starting a new job, stress of in my son happy. You do give yourself credits for the huge steps you’ve maid, truth is until you overcome the trauma you will also have it hanging there waiting for a trigger. Once you walk through the memories, faces them down, maybe several times. It’s a bitch but you are making progress and admit it to you self. Keep working hard to rid the beast, once the beast is gone that leaves you and you’re mental illness. Think of how glorious that day will be when the best is kicked out of town by you.
    You control you’re decisions, keep exerting yourself in Therapy. Kick the beast to the curb. Achieving the goal is never easy, sometime hardest past, but when you take next breath you’re closer to the like you want.
    I love you
    My email is still crashed and hopefully Apple & I will come to terms tonight.
    Positive words and sayings! That is the person I know.
    M

    Like

    • Dear M
      I’m longing to connect and chat with you again im missing u!
      Thank you for always reminding me I’m doing ok even in hard times. ..I’ll share qcenique thoughts in a post today of my therapy. .qcenique is my psychologist and I’m trying to trust her hard !
      Love lis

      Like

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