my recent visit to hell

survivor road

saturday night.  actually i guess sunday morning – 2am.  get up for my usual middle-of-the-night run to the bathroom, return and start to lie down when it hits.  i’m not sure how even to describe it.

i’ve had panic attacks before, that’s not what this was.  this was fear.  unadulturated fear.  of myself.  i knew i was going to harm myself.  i knew it as sure as i knew my own name.  and i was petrified.  i couldn’t close my eyes.  i couldn’t relax out of the terror of what i might do to myself.

i paced the floor.  i prayed.  i cried.  i died a thousand deaths trying to escape this new demon.  i called a hotline and talked to someone for an hour, finally calming to the point of being rational and understanding i was still in control and i did not have to hurt myself.

i fell…

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