Today was horrendous  I was so sucked in by extreme exhaustion and battling to make sense of things, you have know clue how debilitating and frightening it is ..unless you battled this before :'(😧

I started my morning battling to drive straight to work once at work I tried giving meds and after the first person I took the second folder out and somehow the picture of the guy on the front of the folder resembled the first guy we just gave meds too my heart sunk:o there and then I said out loud to my colleague please watch me I can’t trust myself she laughed I was in panic clearly no one saw my panic,my eyes were just deseving me !Then later at head office I Arrived and took the wrong houses paper work with my boss watching I began reading and realized again Fuck I’m not here ..😰 Again I took myself away heart pounding and dragging my feet! 

Last night I was faced with a call from aunt saying mom needs to be rushed to hospital over the weeks she has been treated with cellulitis of the leg but antibiotics aren’t responding to her poisoned body and after arranging an ambulance from nz in sa with brother’s help ..all hell broke loose  there after as it costs 5000 rand and he has to pay it as his not driving there to help ,then when I rang my sister to tell her about mom she was mad as the inconvenience it causes my brother and they both gave mom a mouth full ..there after I stuck up for mom saying u guys are been rediculous as if mom has asked for all these medical issues over the last two years. .then came my step mom telling me last night I should be going to ozzie to take care of my sister after her cancer surgery nxt week not my dad he can’t do personal cares. ..after trying to explain  my part financially etc and work I kept been shot down! And my sister has help coming in as well as her family are home taking care of her..

If you reading this it’s now Wednesday I can’t concentrate long enough to tell all so it’s been going since Monday like this..as I tried off loading all this on hubby he started around my abuse anxiety etc what ever else and work and dreams he has …my heart crashed and again I wonder how to please people ..

AM I DESTINED TO JUST PLEASE OTHERS. .IT INFURIATES ME

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