Measuring Up

Don't Lose Hope

We live in a world full of comparisons.

Does she have a sexier figure than me? Does she look younger, or better for her age? Is she so much smarter? Have a better career? Do people think that she is funnier than me?

I suspect it all begins in the early years of life when we start fighting hard to get our parents’ attention.

But it’s a process that continues for the rest of our life.

And it’s a process that leads to insecurity, as well.

For at any point in time we could cease to measure up – and we could lose the affection of those who matter most.

Like our family, or close friends.

Like our partner, or our spouse.

Yet each of us is different – individual and unique.

And we start to lose ourselves when we make comparisons.

But comparing’s so ingrained, such a feature of…

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A Few Things I’ve Learned From Trauma

Don't Lose Hope

This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.” – Catherine Woodiwiss

Here are a few things I’ve learned about trauma:

1. Trauma upends everything. It undermines your whole reality. Everything is open to question now.

2. Life doesn’t go back to the way it was before – and neither do you.

3. Trauma is disfiguring. At least for a while, it turns you into someone you do not recognize. You lose your spark and sparkle. You withdraw from life. You experience the symptoms of PTSD. You feel you’re going crazy. That you’re losing your…

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10 Things to Remember

Don't Lose Hope

1. Small steps are still progress.

2. Feelings go up as well as down. Tomorrow might be better than today.

3. You need to be honest and real to heal.

4. You don’t have to hold it together all the time.

5. Respecting your limits, and enforcing boundaries, are important forms of self-care.

6. You don’t have to explain yourself to others. You don’t need anyone’s acceptance or approval.

7. Everyone’s journey is different. Don’t measure yourself by someone else.

8. You are so much stronger and braver than you feel.

9. Self-compassion helps develop your emotional resilience. Notice when you’re suffering and be kind to yourself.

10. You owe it to yourself to believe in yourself. You are the one decides your worth.

The only one who get to decide your worth is you. It doesn’t come from your bank account or the number of friends you have…

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It is what it is

Don't Lose Hope

It’s OK if you thought you were over it, but then it hits you all over again.

It’s OK if, sometimes, you still fall apart, even if you thought you were starting to heal.

Trauma is like that.

The shock may start to fade –

But the memories still haunt you.

You’re not completely free.

This doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It’s a battle like no other.

Recovery is messy, and there isn’t a timeline

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Understanding and Treating Trauma

Don't Lose Hope

Trauma reactions are normal reactions to abnormal events.”

There are no right and wrong ways to respond to a trauma; and your symptoms may include the following:

– Shock, numbness, disbelief, or even denial

– Confusion

– Difficulties with focusing, paying attention, concentrating and remembering

– Powerful unpredictable mood swings

– Anger and rage

– Irritability/ having a short fuse

– Intense fear and anxiety

– Panic attacks and anxiety attacks

– Guilt, shame, and (inappropriate) self-blame

– The desire to isolate yourself

– Sadness, sorrow and regret

– Hopelessness/ an inability to see anything good in the future

– Insomnia, nightmares, and broken sleep

– Hypervigilant/ hyperalert/ agitation/ being on edge

– Racing heart

– Difficulty breathing, and regulating breathing

– Tingling in hands and feet

– Pain and muscle tension.

Some of these symptoms point to PTSD, where your nervous system’s stuck in a state of…

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It all Comes Down to Fate. Or Does It?

Don't Lose Hope

Facing a fate we cannot change, we are called to make the best of it by rising above ourselves and growing beyond ourselves.”

― Viktor Frankl

We think that we are free, that we decide our destiny. We think that we’re in charge, that we’re the author of our lives.

To some extent we are.

And to some extent we aren’t.

Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist who penned the words above, was sent (as a young man) to several concentration camps. I can’t imagine this was in his plan for his life.

And yet that is where Viktor Frankl found himself.

Bringing it Closer to Home

I wonder what you’d wanted, and expected for your life.

I wondered what then happened. What derailed you from that course.

Who ripped up all your plans, the plans you’d carefully designed? The plans your dreams had fashioned. Normal – reasonable – good plans.

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Only the Strong

Don't Lose Hope

Now every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What darkness did you conquer in your story? Mountains do not rise without earthquakes.”

– What darkness have you experienced that has changed you in significant ways?

– How did it change you?

– What lessons (good and bad) have you learned?

– How has it made you a stronger person?

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Keeping it Manageable

Don't Lose Hope

“You only need to focus on one little step forward.

You don’t need to conquer the entire mountain right now.

You don’t need to have everything figured out today.

The only possible way to climb a mountain is by climbing it one step at a time.

Don’t think about the peak.

Don’t worry about what may come later.

Instead, focus on the one little step in front of you.

The rest will come when it’s time.

For now, it’s just one little step.”

It’s natural to worry, to feel anxious and afraid.

To picture every possible worst-case scenario.

We do it all the time:

When we feel inadequate.

When the outcome really matters.

When we feel we’re powerless.

But you know it doesn’t help.

It really doesn’t help at all.

It really doesn’t make things better – for it doesn’t change a thing.

So try to let it go…

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Quote of the Day

Don't Lose Hope

“I am the one who talks to me in my darkest moments. I’m the only one who really knows my deepest fears and pains, and the inner turmoil I have suffered. I’m the one with the power to put myself down or build myself up with my inner self talk. Other people can support, hold, love, encourage, guide and teach me but I am still the most important person who can make the choice to always love and be there for me – and I will.

I’ll be there for me.”

Unknown Author

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Let It Be

Don't Lose Hope

“The only cure for grief is to grieve.”

We don’t just put it behind us and move on. We don’t just forget, and start over again.

We know that doesn’t work. That it’s just a fantasy.

That’s not how trauma, or grief, or sadness work.

They are all part of your story. They are part of who you are.

Those memories and events: they will always be with you.

So you need to accept them.

And welcome them.

And make space for them.

You need to allow them to be true – whether you want them to be true, or not.

You need to allow them to be your reality.

Your life.

You will never be able to stifle, or forget, or erase them completely.

So make room for them.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable and broken, at least for this moment.

Allow yourself to feel all the intense, scary…

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What do I do with all these feelings?

Don't Lose Hope

Society sends some very mixed messages when it comes to feelings. You hear them discussed and mentioned a lot. But expressing them: well, that’s another story. Especially the intense and negative ones.

Yet, if something traumatic has happened to you then you’re going to experience some powerful emotions. And those feelings will be with you for a very long time. They will also show up at some inconvenient times.

For example, say you are having a pretty normal day. You’ve just dropped the kids off with their grandparents and are now stopping to pick up some coffee and bagels from the mall. Then, all of a sudden, you see or hear something that reminds you of the betrayal. (For example, you pass a shop selling lingerie or you hear a song that reminds you of your partner.)

Immediately, you are transformed from a relaxed, calm, and in control person into…

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What are the Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma?

Don't Lose Hope

Betrayal trauma makes you feel like you are losing your mind. It puts you on an emotional rack and pulls you in opposite directions until you are begging for mercy. It yanks your sense of security out from under you and puts you in a state of emotional free fall. It is severely emotionally distressing, and until you have experienced it, you really can’t imagine how truly life-altering the experience can be.”

–Michelle Mays

When you have experienced betrayal trauma you are living in a state of emotional devastation, something that is very hard to navigate. Its symptoms include the following:

1. Adrenalin and cortisol are surging through your body as your autonomic nervous system (ANS) prepares for “fight or flight”.

2. Your body and mind are screaming danger and threat. You feel as if you’re living on high alert.

3. For many people, when they start to…

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Keep Fighting

Don't Lose Hope

This is for the ones who are struggling right now. This is for the ones who have been having a rough day, or week, or year. The ones who feel like this storm will never end. Keep fighting for YOU. Not for your friends, not for your family, but for YOU.

Keep fighting because deep down you hold a tiny voice that you were meant for far more than this sadness and pain you are feeling.

Keep fighting because the person you will be on the other side of all of this is cheering for you so much.

Keep fighting because you will get there.

And it will be worth it.”

– Nikki Banas

I want you to know it will be worth it.

I want you to know that YOU are worth it.

Keep on believing as an act of self-love.

Keep on fighting as an act…

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Try This

Don't Lose Hope

Try this.  

Set aside a time when you can be alone for an hour with your journal. Choose a relaxing place and an unhurried, leisurely time of the day. Make sure there will be no interruptions. It’s just you and your journal.

Now, answer the following questions:

1.“What is important to you in life?” Write for 10 minutes straight. Write whatever is floating around in your mind. Don’t edit your thoughts or writing. Write as if no-one but you will read it. Be completely honest with yourself.

2. “What are your big dreams?” Write for 10 minutes straight. Write whatever is floating around in your mind. Don’t edit your thoughts or writing. Write as if no-one but you will read it. Be completely honest with yourself.

3. “What do you want from an intimate relationship?” Write for 10 minutes straight. Write whatever is floating around in your mind…

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Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen

Don't Lose Hope

Trauma overwhelms listeners as much as speakers … and talking about painful events doesn’t necessarily establish community – often quite the contrary. Families and organizations may reject members who air their dirty laundry; friends and family can lose patience with people who get stuck in their grief or hurt. This is one reason why trauma victims often withdraw and why their stories become rote narratives, edited in a form least likely to provoke rejection.”

Is this, perhaps, something you relate to as well?

Chelsea had always been a very private person. She was open, warm and friendly in most social situations. But no-one really knew what was happening in her life. To outward appearances, it looked like things were fine.

Then, out of the blue, Chelsea’s world was blown apart – when she learned that her husband had a hidden secret life. Dating apps, pornography, webcams, and so on.

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The Truth of Who You Are

Don't Lose Hope

Sometimes I wake up and have to remind myself:

‘There is nothing wrong with me.

I have patterns to unlearn.

New behaviours to embody,

And wounds to heal.

But there is nothing wrong with the core of me, and who I am.

I am unlearning generations of harm

and remembering, Love,

It takes time.’”

Is this a message for you today?

You are not flawed.

You are not inadequate.

You have been fed lies, and been made to feel this way.

Please believe me when I tell you: This isn’t who you are.

You are beautiful, resourceful, resilient, strong, empathic, gifted and lovely through and through.

These are the facts.

Let this sink into your soul.

This is the truth of who you are.

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You, Me and Empathy

Don't Lose Hope

At times, it’s almost impossible to believe that we will get better, and be our old selves.

There are days when ‘two steps forward, and one step back’ becomes ‘one step forwards, and ten steps back’.

Those are the days when you give in to despair.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t recover from the trauma.

You hate your partner for what they’ve done to you.

You’re frustrated with yourself for it seems you can’t move on.

Those are the awful days we all battle with.

And that’s why it means so much when others share their struggles. And talk about their journey. What it’s been like for them.

It’s like they’re holding up a mirror where we see not just them … but we also see ourselves, and we see our life, as well.

It encourages us to think: “You, and I … We’re both the…

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Making Number Two – or Number Ten – Number One

Don't Lose Hope

I am exhausted with trying to be stronger than I feel.”

Ever felt that way?

What do you do when you have to fight on, to put on a brave face, and pretend to the world that you’re happy and strong, and that life is going well?

We can do that for a while. We can smile, and act the part.

But eventually we crash. Our supply gets all used up.

So if you’re feeling this way now, pay attention to the signs.

Tell yourself you’re too worn out.  Way too tired to wear a mask.

Then withdraw for a while, and invest in yourself.

 It’s OK to feel weak, and to care for yourself.

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It Isn’t Over ‘Till It’s Over

Don't Lose Hope

“Inhale. Exhale. Prevail.”

Yes. You can do it.

For inside you there’s a warrior.

You may be weak and weary, but there’s still that will to fight.

Life’s dealt you some tough blows. Blows that it’s very hard to cope with.

It’s left you bruised and broken; but you aren’t beaten yet.

You inhale very slowly.

Hold your breath.

Then exhale slowly.

You take another breath.

Now you are rising to your feet.

You feel as if you’re swaying.

You’re unsteady –

But you’re standing.

You know you’re going to make it

For you won’t accept defeat.

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Betrayal Trauma: Living with the Scars

Don't Lose Hope

Trauma affects the entire human organism … After trauma the world is experienced with a different nervous system”.

There’s a lot of pressure when you learn about betrayal, to work hard on your healing, and to move on with your life.

But you’re not the same person, and the scars don’t disappear.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think that progress can be made. But trauma leaves an imprint on our body, mind and brain. It changes our neurology and physiology.

In “The Body Keeps the Score” Bessel van der Kolk describes some changes that occur when a person’s traumatized, and is later diagnosed with PTSD. Some of these changes include the following:

1. In a person unaffected by PTSD, the hormone cortisol sends out an “all safe” signal after a threat or danger has passed. This doesn’t happen with PTSD sufferers. This is because the…

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You are not Alone

Don't Lose Hope

Betrayal … The details of our stories might be different but the pain we experience is the same.”

Sometimes we feel so isolated and alone.

Cut off by our pain.

Left to cope, all on our own.

But always remember you are not alone.

It is true – your experience is personal and unique.

But we get what it is like, for we understand that pain.

We have walked the road you’re on.

We have stared into the night.

We have felt the walls close in.

We have cried out in despair.

We know exactly how it feels when your future disappears.

When the past is all torn up.

And your truth become a lie …

We are here, and we care.

Please believe you’re not alone.

Don’t give up. You are strong.

We are with you on the road.

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Living in an Age of Anxiety

Don't Lose Hope

Anxiety is an urgent, deafening thing. No matter how many logical reasons you have to remain happy or positive, when it is present, you can hear nothing else.”

– Beau Taplin

Overwhelming feelings of anxiety are a normal response to being betrayed.

Out of the blue, it grips your heart. Time is suspended. You’re frozen to the spot.

You can’t think straight for your mind is in a fog. The adrenalin is racing, and you find it hard to breathe.

All the “what if” situations are racing through your mind. Catastrophic situations that would blow your world apart.

“I wonder if he’s lying? Is he lying to me now?”

“Is there more than he has told me? Will I ever know the truth?”

“Will I ever really know him?”

“Will he ever really change?”

“Is this one big delusion?”

“Was I stupid to have stayed?”

Once again…

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Quote of the Day

Don't Lose Hope

“She distanced herself to save herself.”

Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to put some distance between ourselves and others. This is especially true when we’ve experienced a trauma, or we’re dealing with a crisis of enormous proportions.

We need to step back from our life and, maybe, give ourselves a break as we haven’t got the strength to explain ourselves to others.

And we haven’t got the energy to deal with all that judgment. All the questions, and the comments, and the whispers, and the looks.  

We don’t want to deal with people.

We just want to be alone.

We want to curl up in a ball.

We want the world to go away.

We don’t need that extra stress. It is hard enough to cope with the heartbreak, and the sorrow, and the mess – that is our life.

So, really, this is…

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Betrayal Trauma

Don't Lose Hope

What is betrayal trauma?

I think the following description sums it up pretty well[1]:

You certainly know it when you experience it. It is a gut-wrenching experience, a searing knife into your heart. You feel it before you even think about it. Then, when you start thinking about it, it plagues you day and night.

Betrayal is treachery, deception, and violated trust. It can appear as a broken promise, duplicity, lies, sexual affairs, and even affairs of the heart. The injury is so great that some people seem to never recover.” 

Betrayal is a trauma like no other trauma because it occurs in relationship.

It takes time to trust a person.

To weigh up who they are.

To take them at face value when they tell us that they care.

We watch the way they treat us.

We look for all the signs that indicate they’re safe.

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Quote of the Day

Don't Lose Hope

Trust me when I say that I know how it feels to cry in the shower so that no-one can hear you.

And having to wait for everyone to fall asleep so you can fall apart.

For everything to hurt so badly that you can’t see a way out.

I know exactly how it feels.

But I also know that there is always hope and that the tide always turns.

Hang in there, and know that you are not alone.”

– Ella Hicks

Beautiful words.

Take them to heart.

Hold on to hope.

You are not alone.

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Welcome Home

Don't Lose Hope

For every person who might reject you if you live your truth, there are ten others who will embrace you and welcome you home.”

When tough stuff happens – the really tough stuff – you can’t, and you shouldn’t have to, shoulder it alone.

You need other people.

You need to find your tribe.

But if your partner has betrayed you, or he has a sex addiction, then where can you turn for understanding and support?

Society will judge you.

You know that for a fact.

It doesn’t really matter that you’re reeling from the pain.

The world is cold and cruel when it learns you’ve been betrayed.

So now you have to hide because you can’t cope with the shame.

The shame that’s undeserved – because it’s not your fault at all.

You truly are a victim.

But everyone will talk.

You know they will be ruthless.

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A Shitty Life or a Wonderful Life?

Don't Lose Hope

The first draft of anything is shit

The first draft of anything is shit.” ― Ernest Hemingway

I think this truth can be applied to our life, and often to our relationships, as well.

The first stab at anything is nothing more than that.

A stab in the dark. A first attempt.

We act on instinct, repeating what we’ve learned.

Unconsciously living out the scripts and messages we’ve picked up from others, and have stored in our brain.

But perhaps it is time to start over again.

To start in an informed, and a more deliberate, way.

this is the beginning

And as you think of starting over, you can chart out a course that’s a lot more consistent with the way you want to live. (Bearing in mind, we don’t control everything … And, certainly, we don’t control everyone.)

Below are some questions to help you figure what you want from life and, what you might need…

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Dear Self, You are Beautiful

Don't Lose Hope

Do not doubt yourself

Do not speak badly of yourself – for the warrior within hears your words and is lessened by them.”

It’s a very sad and painful fact of life that betrayal causes us to doubt ourselves.

We start looking at ourselves with harsh, judgmental eyes.

And we pull ourselves apart, and we focus on ‘what’s wrong’.

We denigrate our body, and attack the way we look.

And we think that we are dull, and lack personality.

You would think that we were trash – how we’ve come to see ourselves –

Through that cracked or shattered mirror that we’re staring into now.

broken glass

But that’s isn’t who we are.

Those distortions are all lies.

We are thoughtful, talented and – it’s true – we’re beautiful.

How I wish we had compassion, and were kinder to ourselves.

How I wish we didn’t feel we were so inadequate.

If only we’d believe…

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Quote of the Day

Don't Lose Hope

I have travelled through madness to find me.

I have travelled through madness to find me.”

That’s how it feels when you’ve experienced trauma.

The anxiety attacks.

The broken sleep.

Always wondering if the other shoe will drop.

The surges in emotions.

The terror and the fear.

The unexpected triggers that catch you unawares.

The times when you go crazy.

The times you cannot feel.

The dissociation.

The unreality.

It’s a terrifying journey

You think will never end

But eventually it eases and you find yourself again.

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Quote of the Day

All we ever have is this moment and this day.

Don’t focus on the future

And what might lie ahead.

It’s good to have some dreams

And to formulate some plans.

It’s good to feel inspired

And to set yourself high goals.

But life will pass you by if your focus is what’s next.

If you are never here

For your mind is somewhere else.

You need to be awake

And inhabit life right now.

Don’t wish away your days

Life is happening. Here. Today.

Today I will remember to…

1. Think well of myself.

2. Remember how far I have already come.

3. Refuse to ruminate over past mistakes or failures.

4. Refuse to get pulled down by others’ negativity.

5. Enjoy life’s little pleasures – like flowers and sunrises.

6. Be present in this moment.

7. Breathe, relax, and smile.

Getting Over the Torment of Betrayal

Don't Lose Hope

there are no shortcuts

There are no easy answers for recovering from betrayal. It’s not the kind of thing you get over easily. But I’d like to offer you a few suggestions that might be of help at this difficult time.

1. Try to achieve some degree of detachment. One way of doing this is to try to take yourself out of the picture (temporarily) and to view yourself, and what has happened, as a compassionate and caring ‘outsider’.

2. Admit to yourself there’s a hole in your heart, and allow yourself to grieve over all the different losses. The intense and painful feelings will likely ebb and flow. Allow them to surface. Don’t suppress your emotions. Also, you can’t speed up this process. In the end it will backfire. Instead, you need to experience, and work through, all the feelings.

3. Don’t keep it to yourself. You need support at…

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Project Hope

Don't Lose Hope

purple tulips

All is not as it should be.

But all is as it is.

And as it is

we can still see wishes in stars

and new leaves sprouting on trees

and shapes in the clouds

and silver webs with tiny owners

and flowers tilting toward warm sunlight

and love in our children’s eyes

and hope in the mirror.

Yes, it is as it is.

But it is also what we make it.”


So, no matter how despairing or desperate you feel,

No matter what has happened, or how dark the future seems,

Lift your eyes, and look around you.

Notice all the signs of spring.

Those beautiful reminders that life can be reborn –

Despite the bleakest winters and the coldest, harshest storms.

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Betrayal and the Dark Night of the Soul — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

Learning that you’ve been betrayed by your partner plunges you into a painful cycle of loss and grief. Often the discovery comes as a shock, and the losses are more than you can even calculate. – To begin with, you can no longer trust your partner or spouse (as they deliberately deceived you, and lied […]

Betrayal and the Dark Night of the Soul — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

The Beginning. The Middle. And the Plot Twist. — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

Imagine you’ve been driving through a city, a concrete jungle, for the last hour. As you drive along the road you see homeless people sitting on the sidewalks. There’s graffiti on the walls. Everything is grey, dirty, drab and depressing. Then you enter a tunnel, a long tunnel that goes under the river. When you […]

The Beginning. The Middle. And the Plot Twist. — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

Letter to a Betrayed Partner or Spouse

Don't Lose Hope

policeman's creek.jpg

This is a letter to anyone who has discovered that their partner or spouse has been unfaithful to them. It’s especially relevant to those who have learned that their partner has been heavily involved in pornography or has developed a sex addiction. It’s for anyone whose partner has led a double life, and lied, and kept secrets you knew nothing about.

  1. Let’s start with trust. Trust is at the heart of all relationships. It is normal and should be a given. Something you can assume and rely on. Period. You shouldn’t have to look over shoulder to make sure your partner or spouse is still trustworthy. You shouldn’t have to check to see if they can still be trusted, and are still telling you the truth. That is an absolutely crazy way to live.
  2. You were not naïve, you were deliberately deceived.
  3. Once trust has been destroyed it’s almost impossible…

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Quote of the Day

Don't Lose Hope

you never really know

All of us have been there – at the end of our rope.

We’ve felt completed gutted and devoid of hope.

The facts have been too painful. We cannot believe they’re true.

Our life’s in shreds and tatters. We have zero energy.

We feel lost and abandoned, isolated in our grief.

There’s no point in explaining. This is way too big for words.

But then – into the blackness – comes a fragile ray of light

We hear a few kind words, and we are taken by surprise.

Their gentleness is soothing. Gosh, it makes us want to weep.

This kindness is a balm. It’s like a salve on those raw wounds.

We often underestimate the impact we can have.

A gentle word, a smile, a warm and understanding look.

And, yet, we also know that these have pulled us from the edge,

Restored our broken spirit and revived our

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Quote of the Day — Coaching Skills International

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship […]

Quote of the Day — Coaching Skills International

Beautiful You

Don't Lose Hope

she picked up the broken pieces of her life

The quality of your relationships will determine the quality of your life.”

If your life has been blown apart by betrayal, then you’ll know for a fact that this quote is true. You’ve been hit with a sledge hammer by the person you loved most. Now your world lies in tatters, and you’re living in a daze.

And, of course, this relationship is massively important. It would be foolish to downplay its significance. But even more important than your partner or spouse, is the relationship you have with yourself at this time. This is the relationship you need to focus on.

For example, betrayal rips to shreds our self-image and self-worth so it’s easy to lose touch with the person we once were.

But, inside you’re the same woman. You’re still smart and beautiful. You can integrate the fragments, and reconnect with her.

And, honestly, it’s crucial, that you…

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Quote of the Day — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

This is why it came as such a shock: He was hiding secrets from you. Little secrets you never knew. Little secrets that grew and grew. Little secrets that became big lies. A web of deception that took over his life.

Quote of the Day — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

Coping Statements for Anxiety — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

When you’ve experienced betrayal you’re on constant high alert. And it’s easy to be triggered, and be swamped by anxious feelings. This is likely to be heightened when the country is in lock down. You feel like a trapped rabbit who has few, if any, options. But one thing you can try – apart from […]

Coping Statements for Anxiety — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

If Love Hurts, Let It Go — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

“If love hurts, let it go.” You must have heard that statement a million times, or more. And maybe they are right; but maybe they are wrong, as well. It’s a major life decision, and a highly complex one. So take some time to process what you really want, and need. And if he’s lied […]

If Love Hurts, Let It Go — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

Have you Experienced Betrayal Trauma?

Don't Lose Hope

you are stronger

There are a number of factors which contribute to being able to recover from a crisis or a trauma. If you’ve experienced a betrayal, maybe read through this list, and see if there are things that can help you here:

1. First … we need to break through the denial and admit to ourselves that we’re dealing with a crisis, and we’ve been traumatized. This is a prerequisite for seeking help.

2. Next … we need to ‘get’ that our recovery comes down to us ourselves. Friends might empathize, and may try to show they care. But, really, we’re the ones who will have to do the work. We have to deal with all the triggers, with the pain, the loss of trust, the roller coaster of emotions and the dark and desperate thoughts. I know it isn’t fair – and we didn’t choose this road.

3. “Building a…

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Just One Thing

Don't Lose Hope

even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise again.jpg

Night-time was the worst. It was always the worst. Usually in the day she could put it from her mind. But when she tried to sleep all the memories returned.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, try to focus your mind on just one thing that will help you to hang on, and also reconnect you with your inner strength. The following questions might help with this:

1. Can you think of one occasion when you felt “it was too much”, and yet you found you coped, and you made it through the day? How did you manage to keep going at that time? How can you apply that to what’s happening right now?

2. Can you think of one key strength that is part of who you are, that gives you confidence, and persuades you “you’ll survive”? How can you ensure you keep accessing that strength?

3. Identify one boundary you…

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Once Upon a Time

Don't Lose Hope

it has been said.PNG

Once upon a time there a girl who dreamed about being desirable and beautiful. She had married her prince who had told her she was great. They made love all the time – wild, passionate love. And the girl felt confident, and good about herself.

And sometimes the girl would go off to the mall and look through the lingerie in cute little stores. She would picture how she’d look if she wore this or that, and wondered if her man would like satin or lace. She really loved them all. It was a hard to make a choice.

And the girl so loved her prince. She felt safe and good with him. She knew that she was lucky. Her life was like a dream. He said he felt the same. She was all that he could need. His princess held his heart. He would never do her wrong.


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The Reverberating Pain of Betrayal

Don't Lose Hope

you are enough you have always.PNG

Who of us hasn’t been there?

The day is going well and you are feeling quiet and calm. Then out of the blue you start to sense a deep unease. The terror starts to surface and engulfs your mind again. Your heart is racing wildly, and you’re feeling terrified.

But what if things are not exactly as they seem to be? What if you’ve been deceived, and he’s returned to his old ways? What if those sincere promises are just another lie? What if he cannot do it, and your trust has been misplaced?

Or, you see a happy couple who are in the throes of love. You wonder “Will they make it? Will their early love survive? Will they retell our story? Will they know betrayal too?” You feel a stab of pain for you had had high hopes like them.

Or, a friend puts up a post about…

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Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

Don't Lose Hope

start where you are.PNG“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”This quote by the tennis player Arthur Ashe appears quite a lot on social media. It’s the kind of cute quote you might expect to see there. It’s the kind of cute quote I’ve posted myself when life has been happy, or at least humdrum.

It’s the kind of cute quote that can give you a lift, and inspire you to try, and make a start on your dreams.

But it’s not the right quote if you’re curled up in a ball, and you’re dealing with a trauma, and you think you’re going to die.

No! It’s not the kind of quote that you want to hear just now.

Then, one day you decide that your life must go on. You are going to survive. You are made of stronger stuff. Yes, the pain’s unbearable, and you…

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Why Forgiving too Quickly Can be Damaging — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts

I’ve been noticing a trend that gives me cause for concern. It’s the very subtle push to forgive when a person’s been betrayed by their partner or spouse. I’m not saying that forgiveness should never be a goal. But we should take it off the plate initially. This is a very serious wound, and it […]

Why Forgiving too Quickly Can be Damaging — Help for Partners of Sex Addicts