Rough Patch — A Patient Voice

At times this feeling, feels like it is too much. Something that can never mastered. Yet, I have been through this before in other shapes and other forms, and I have gotten through it. It is a rough patch, just that, and it will not and it does not define the relationship I have […]

Rough Patch — A Patient Voice

Outside My Window — A Patient Voice

The “Window of Tolerance” (Ogden, et al. 2006; Siegel, 1999) is the optimal zone of arousal where we are able to manage and thrive in every day life. This can be thought of as sailing within a river of well-being (Siegel & Bryson, 2012) where we are able to respond to all that comes our […]

Outside My Window — A Patient Voice

A Little Something About Self-Care — A Patient Voice

This article was circulated at a recent group Psychotherapy session I attended. It got my attention as it resonated with me. So here I am bringing it to your attention; just for fun and to see if it might stir up some resonance for you. This Is What ‘Self-Care’ REALLY Means, Because It’s Not […]

A Little Something About Self-Care — A Patient Voice

Boxed In — A Patient Voice

What if I am not as resilient as people say? What if I am not as mindful as people think I am? With a lot of therapy and personal awareness, I find myself asking these questions. Throughout the last few months, my exploration has led me to two conclusions. The first that uncertainty and not […]

Boxed In — A Patient Voice

Who, When, Where, What & Why — A Patient Voice

Harlon Davey, the guy who writes this blog, was hospitalized from February 7, 2020 to February 28th. Harlon was ultimately admitted to the Adult Mental Health Services ward of Trillium Hospital in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. He got himself to emergency on the 7th., and presented himself with a history of depression, anxiety and moderate alcohol […]

Who, When, Where, What & Why — A Patient Voice

Down and Counting

A Patient Voice

I can hear it through the walls

People are having parties, laughing and having fun.

I am in my new apartment, home from dialysis,

half-unpacked and alone.

One might think I am living the cavalier life

gallivanting and having fun

but life is not a party

when you are just a party of one.

I am not doing a very good job

of not letting myself get down.

People are reaching out to me

but I respond like I am not around.

It seems to me that with all that is happening

that it makes sense that I am stressed.

I know things will get better

but right now I am down and depressed.

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Dialysis As An Analogy

A Patient Voice

In my blood are intuition and instincts and the things that I have gone through.  I have absorbed them all and I am absorbed by them.

The machine takes the blood from me, and after I process what is happening, the machine processes my blood and returns it to me; clean.

My blood is my knowledge, my values.  They become shared.

The noise in the background is my purpose; it is trying to find me.  I hear it’s sound, feel it’s present.  The noise is the machine; the noise is my blood; the noise is trying to find me.

I am my blood.

Circulating.

The machine keeps processing. I become cleaner.

Clearer.

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A Sea of Emotions

A Patient Voice

Although it’s difficult to see or believe, I think that now may be a time of prosperity for me in some way.  I am experiencing some sort of windfall.  When I think of prosperity, I can think of it in different ways.  It would be great to win the lottery or have the Pick 6 at Aqueduct, but there is prosperity in relationships that are peaceful, that are supportive and caring.

So much of what I feel right now can depend on how I am feeling when I look at things or explore my feelings.  Sometimes, it’s just not a good time to do some serious thinking because my thoughts are slanted.  I am on a weird medication right now, and it’s creating false euphoria, mood swings, insomnia.  It’s not pretty, so now is definitely not a good time for me to be looking into any kind of mirror.

Some…

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Frame Of Mind

A Patient Voice

I feel contained about my mindset because it doesn’t seem to fit into my mindframe.

I know I could be doing better, I know I could be doing more, but that’s not just within my mindset. I am doing what I can. I am contained in my own mind. I am doing what I need to do. I could be doing worse, I could be doing less. I have my own frame of mind. I am not doing nothing, but sometimes I am not doing anything at all.

Every day is a new snapshot and sometimes it may look like I am living in a still frame world, but things are always moving, things just don’t always have to move a lot or make a big noise. Yet, if I need to cry I will.  If I want to sleep I will.  In my mind I seem so far away…

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Paying The Price

A Patient Voice

My first mistake was when I thought of things, I knew there were alternative things and I thought of them also. I wanted them both, so I explored them all. I guess my flaw was I was never good at settling.

My only excuse is that I just never knew better.  No one told me.  People just let me. Everyone trusted that I would figure it all out and be OK, but I didn’t and I am not.

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Eat Well & Get Plenty of Rest

Thank you Harlon for sharing your struggle with us. I know you are strong enough to do anything!

A Patient Voice

At times, in these times, I can feel overwhelmed.  The last few months have been loss and illness and the next few months are change.

When I moved to the family house to be with my Mom, I was clear to myself that this was a chapter in my life.  Things weren’t working out well for me in the city, so home is always a safe place to go, it always has been.  I figured my Mother could use companionship (as would I) and I knew she would eventually need care (as would I).  I knew the narrative and I knew how that chapter would end, and it did.

Now a new chapter begins.  This chapter is about a new beginning, about exploring my passions and creating my “next”. It’s about my new life.

It just didn’t start the way I would have liked it.  I am going into this…

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Quote

Fall down, go boom. — A Patient Voice

I am overjoyed to hear Harlon is on the mend. I’m praying he will continue writing his raw/honest Blog.  We miss you Harlon, sending love.

Words are failing me because my body has failed me again. I have traveled the world, yet now I feel all over the place. I feel at odds with everything, so I beat the odds. Things have been extremely difficult, but things are starting to feeling different. The mind is settling. The body is healing. […]

via Fall down, go boom. — A Patient Voice

Noble Truth

Thank you Harlon, gives something to think about. M

A Patient Voice

IMG_0170 (2)

Lately, I’ve found myself saying “I should do…”

I think there’s a trap in this, it sets off an alarm in my mind.

If I should be doing something, then I can just do it.

Ultimately, I can do anything.

Or do I sometimes

feel because of peer or societal pressure that this is

what I should be doing

because that is what other people are doing

because I don’t feel successful.

I am pretty sure this is a trap,

and that I am setting myself up for disappointment and failure.

There is no “should be”,

there is instead “I will be” or “I am doing what I want”.

Or I should just be doing nothing.

A friend of mine the other day said something brilliant:

“expectations are the death of happiness.”

That lingered on my mind, as it may on yours

and that lead me to something equally profound.

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One Hit Wonder

Interesting and thoughtful words about life. Thanks Harlon for the reblog. to Survivors. M

A Patient Voice

I will be alright

and so you will be too

and we will get strong

we will get right back

to where we started from.

Everybody is doing what they want to,

why should we be different?

Time is always ticking

and it ticks for so long

but with love and support

you can’t go wrong.

We are going to be alright

and get through from where we’ve been from

and get right back

from where we started from

because we have always been right

and we have always been strong

that is the place where we started from.

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The Short End Of The Stick

Thanks Harlon for sharing your story. M

A Patient Voice

I guess you could say an I am in a pickle.

As a person with multiple chronic and episodic disabilities, I am not an easy friend to have.

However, I try.

For the last two years, my health has been erratic, often failing surprising for no apparent reason.

Is it because I am HIV+ and my immunity system, after 30 years fails me, or am I just one of those people that gets ill often?

The thing is I don’t want this to come at jeopardizing my friendships.

And I get it, I make plans and then I have to cancel, but my intentions are good. I am quite transparent that I may suddenly get ill, and I appreciate that is a challenge when you’ve made plans three weeks in advance to so something.

However, I feel I have been forthright.  I have said to my friends can we make…

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Gone Fishing #5: Sunshine

Beautiful song. I like this particular song because it means different things to each person. M

A Patient Voice

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
If I had a day that I could give you
I’d give to you the day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I’d sing a song to make you feel this way
John Denver

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Gone Fishing #4: Hiding

Insightful post by Harlon. M

A Patient Voice

In the spirit of my previous Gone Fishing posts

from when I needed to take some time off, I am borrowing the words of another that resonate quite profoundly with me in this moment.

HIDING

is a way of staying alive. Hiding is a way of holding ourselves until we are ready to come into the light. Even hiding the truth from ourselves can be a way to come to what we need in our own necessary time. Hiding is one of the brilliant and virtuoso practices of almost every part of the natural world: the protective quiet of an icy northern landscape, the held bud of a future summer rose, the snow bound internal pulse of the hibernating bear. Hiding is underestimated. We are hidden by life in our mother’s womb until we grow and ready ourselves for our first appearance in the lighted world; to…

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Rise and Shine

Harlon ask some good questions about his way of living. Maybe you have to. M

A Patient Voice

Most nights, I don’t get any sleep at all.

Then every now and then

I sleep for 16 hours

or more.

I find often I don’t sleep

it’s just that I don’t want to face it all.

With the rise

becomes the fall.

I’m tired and that’s the way it’s just going to be.

I wonder if what I am tired of

is me being me.

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When The Spirit Moves Me

A Patient Voice

I feel like I have been through a lot

at times it feels like too much

it feels like seasons are passing

and I am not turning out to be all I can be

and nothing is happening

I am becoming a lesser version of me

and it feels like I am trespassing.

I feel like I have broken so many of the rules

that  feels like treason.

I guess what I really want

is someone to stay with and believe in me.

I guess what I really want to know,

God, and the power I never really invested in you,

can you tell me, is there a reason?

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Pride

Harlon, this post will feel many with Pride and leave a big smile of their face. You have that about you, I leave you post always smiling.
M

A Patient Voice

Have fun with your life

don’t let anyone undo that.

Make Bob Mackie gowns out of towels

or wear a necklace of pearls

and smile and laugh as you do it.

There is more to this world than just boys and just girls,

it’s time that we all embrace that.

Be good to yourself

and to everyone else.

Feel good about yourself

and everyone else

and if you feel you can’t do it

ask for support if you need help

because everyone has the right to be themself.

We all deserve respect

and we all have room for compassion,

and at the end of the day

remember to be grateful for all that happens.

If we all took pride in ourselves and everyone else

this world could be wonderful,

true and not false.

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Sweet Dream?

Thanks for sharing Harlon, life can suck sometimes. Thank goodness for the sunshiny days. M

A Patient Voice

I am sorry if I have seemed distant

or unaware.

I am sorry I don’t return your calls,

it’s not because I don’t care.

I am lethargic

because I can’t get to sleep.

If I start to drift off

I never drift that deep.

I wish I could get out of the grey

and fall into the black.

Somewhere I became afraid

I would never come back.

I find it hard to focus

and express myself

so I tend

to just keep things to myself.

I take pills, 3 of those and 2 of them

but they don’t seem to work anymore.

I think it’s because I feel anxiety

that I have ever felt before.

What I wouldn’t give for a normal sleep?

An old-fashioned good night’s rest.

I don’t feel strong, I could feel better

and I don’t know if I will ever be at my best.

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Wishbone (Intended For Mature Audiences Only)

Another great post from Harlon. M

A Patient Voice

I’ve got a bone to pick with you

sweetie-pie

I’ve got a bone to pick with you

and I am not too sure why.

This doesn’t have to be hasty

things don’t need to turn nasty

as a matter of fact

it might be quite tasty.

You’re just going to have to trust me

that’s what lust is about for me.

I’ve got a bone to pick with you

and it might taste sweet in your pie.

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Shit Storm

Harlon shares his concern as a caregiver for his mother. Is he giving her what she needs? Is Harlon not moving forward due to his love for mom. M

A Patient Voice

My mother was being extremely difficult this morning.

As hard as I was trying to reassure her, she was fighting me,

every word I said.

She is anxious and scared and has every right to be.

So do I.

My friends are all saying take care of yourself

and hope that I am finding the support I need.

I would give myself a B+ at taking care of myself

and I have no fucking clue what it means when people say

“I hope you are finding the support you need.”

Caregiving is difficult, especially when you are not just

visiting and caring

but actually living the experience with them,

actually giving care 24/7.

It doesn’t even feel like caregiving sometimes.

It feels like I am just watching her decompose.

I wish someone asked me what do I need?

What could someone do to actually help me out on a practical…

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It All Happens In Good Time

Harlon
I had many of the same thoughts worrying about my grandparents. The greatest blessing is I stayed, held their hand till the last breath.
Hugs
M

A Patient Voice

I haven’t been feeling well

but I know I’ll get better

it’s just because we’ve been getting

too much rainy weather.

Sometimes I wish someone would hold me

other times I wish they would let go

things will get better

if I move to San Diego.

I worry about my Mother

I think we’re getting close to the end

I am present to care

and the son becomes the best friend.

I worry about my bank account

and retiring on just a dime

who will care for me?

I know all good things come in good time.

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Marbles

Great post Harlon
M

A Patient Voice

I think I am losing my marbles

I might be losing my mind.

It’s been a life of searching

and I feel like I am at the find.

It’s only the beginning

it is brand new

you bring out the best in me

I want to do the same for you.

I’m losing my marbles

do you want to go on a journey to find them

it may be this and that

it might be hit and find

but it’s deep in my mind.

Let’s keep it real

not what about it can become

let’s keep it simple

I think it works better if we have fun.

I feel that I want you

but I don’t want to change your course

let’s keep it friendly

and have honest intercourse.

I mean dialogue –

I can’t believe I used “that word” in my blog.

See what you do to me?

You…

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