Who am I now? And then why am I asking that question NOW? One would think that I would have figured all that out by now. I haven’t and will I ever? Does any one? Is this what THE JOURNEY is all about? Perhaps I should learn to keep things simple, because if you take […]Never Ending Waves of Change — A Patient Voice
Most of the time, I can’t sleep. So I take pills. A lot of the time, I get anxious. So I try to focus on my breathing or distract myself and sometimes I take pills. A lot of the time I feel like I am in pain. I don’t want to be “that person” who […]Concurrency — A Patient Voice
I have learned that there are different ways to think, to behave and to cope. However, when you are trying to challenge life long strategies – it’s hard to change. At least it feels that way. It feels like it is easier said than done. This is where perseverance, trust, support and self-determination come in […]Pain Killers — A Patient Voice
It’s been a while since I’ve posted. There are many reasons for that; I have felt like I was struggling and I was waiting for that feeling to diminish. Also, I don’t know about you, but with COVID, I was really having a hard time focusing. I found it hard to read, I found it […]It Seems Like A Mighty Long Time — A Patient Voice
Do you remember when you were younger and felt invincible? I do. In the meantime, life just does what it does; it throws curve balls, spit balls and the occasional wild pitch. Yet somehow we continue to get up to bat. Meanwhile, the brain does what it does; it thinks. Endlessly and for good and […]Around The Corner — A Patient Voice
I have just been taking some time to get comfortable with myself again. It’s what I want to do so that I will be ready for me to start my new and next adventures because I am not done yet.Mean While — A Patient Voice
I know that you are out there I can’t help but wonder where you are at. I wish there was a way to find you other than posting my profile on an an line-dating app. How do we spend time together when I feel such disconnect? This is not what I expected but I […]Setting Preferences — A Patient Voice
At times this feeling, feels like it is too much. Something that can never mastered. Yet, I have been through this before in other shapes and other forms, and I have gotten through it. It is a rough patch, just that, and it will not and it does not define the relationship I have […]Rough Patch — A Patient Voice
The “Window of Tolerance” (Ogden, et al. 2006; Siegel, 1999) is the optimal zone of arousal where we are able to manage and thrive in every day life. This can be thought of as sailing within a river of well-being (Siegel & Bryson, 2012) where we are able to respond to all that comes our […]Outside My Window — A Patient Voice
This article was circulated at a recent group Psychotherapy session I attended. It got my attention as it resonated with me. So here I am bringing it to your attention; just for fun and to see if it might stir up some resonance for you. This Is What ‘Self-Care’ REALLY Means, Because It’s Not […]A Little Something About Self-Care — A Patient Voice
It is difficult to describe this feeling but it is familiar, it feels similar to something I have felt before. I have been hiding in my mind for a long time, it’s time for me to step out now and experience living again. The last couple of years were extremely challenging for me and like […]what is next? — A Patient Voice
What if I am not as resilient as people say? What if I am not as mindful as people think I am? With a lot of therapy and personal awareness, I find myself asking these questions. Throughout the last few months, my exploration has led me to two conclusions. The first that uncertainty and not […]Boxed In — A Patient Voice
I don’t think I am doing this right. I’ve made mistakes before and I will make them again. I really should be doing better, doing more. I could generally just be doing everything better than the way I am doing everything these days. I haven’t exactly lived up to my potential. I should know better […]Finding The Right Person — A Patient Voice
Things haven’t always been this way. I wonder when and why it all started. A series of events, I suppose, an incident of rejection, hate, jealousy perhaps. It doesn’t matter now. It’s been a slow long drawn out process. A process that repeats itself, like a wave crashing on the shore, or more like a […]The Wreck Room — A Patient Voice
Harlon Davey, the guy who writes this blog, was hospitalized from February 7, 2020 to February 28th. Harlon was ultimately admitted to the Adult Mental Health Services ward of Trillium Hospital in Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. He got himself to emergency on the 7th., and presented himself with a history of depression, anxiety and moderate alcohol […]Who, When, Where, What & Why — A Patient Voice
Hello End Of The Tunnel, I would like to introduce you to someone. Light, this the end of the tunnel. I am glad you two were finally able to meet, but I think you know how things go and there’s always something that stands in the way. Tunnel, I suspect I may drop by unexpectedly […]Formalities — A Patient Voice
Who am I trying to deceive? I don’t think I am trying, I am just trying to find relief. To get through every moment, from one to the next, sometimes I have to disengage and wake up when I wake up feeling rested and ready to restart, it seems I am better at figuring out […]Tangled Webs — A Patient Voice
Sometimes, I feel like I am going nowhere fast and sometimes I feel like I am just taking the scenic route and I will get to wherever whenever and until then I have better things to think about.Cruise Control — A Patient Voice
It’s time for me to take my caregiver spirit which by nature I apply to others because it is good and feels right and take that caregiver spirit and turn it around and apply it to me.
I have always tried to be good but it seems there were always people trying to do me bad. Was I asking for it? Were the looking for it? Questions, answers unknown. I have always tried to be good but I think the good is gone. I mourn the loss, I cry my tears I […]
I can hear it through the walls
People are having parties, laughing and having fun.
I am in my new apartment, home from dialysis,
half-unpacked and alone.
One might think I am living the cavalier life
gallivanting and having fun
but life is not a party
when you are just a party of one.
I am not doing a very good job
of not letting myself get down.
People are reaching out to me
but I respond like I am not around.
It seems to me that with all that is happening
that it makes sense that I am stressed.
I know things will get better
but right now I am down and depressed.
In my blood are intuition and instincts and the things that I have gone through. I have absorbed them all and I am absorbed by them.
The machine takes the blood from me, and after I process what is happening, the machine processes my blood and returns it to me; clean.
My blood is my knowledge, my values. They become shared.
The noise in the background is my purpose; it is trying to find me. I hear it’s sound, feel it’s present. The noise is the machine; the noise is my blood; the noise is trying to find me.
I am my blood.
The machine keeps processing. I become cleaner.
Although it’s difficult to see or believe, I think that now may be a time of prosperity for me in some way. I am experiencing some sort of windfall. When I think of prosperity, I can think of it in different ways. It would be great to win the lottery or have the Pick 6 at Aqueduct, but there is prosperity in relationships that are peaceful, that are supportive and caring.
So much of what I feel right now can depend on how I am feeling when I look at things or explore my feelings. Sometimes, it’s just not a good time to do some serious thinking because my thoughts are slanted. I am on a weird medication right now, and it’s creating false euphoria, mood swings, insomnia. It’s not pretty, so now is definitely not a good time for me to be looking into any kind of mirror.
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I know I could be doing better, I know I could be doing more, but that’s not just within my mindset. I am doing what I can. I am contained in my own mind. I am doing what I need to do. I could be doing worse, I could be doing less. I have my own frame of mind. I am not doing nothing, but sometimes I am not doing anything at all.
Every day is a new snapshot and sometimes it may look like I am living in a still frame world, but things are always moving, things just don’t always have to move a lot or make a big noise. Yet, if I need to cry I will. If I want to sleep I will. In my mind I seem so far away…
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My first mistake was when I thought of things, I knew there were alternative things and I thought of them also. I wanted them both, so I explored them all. I guess my flaw was I was never good at settling.
My only excuse is that I just never knew better. No one told me. People just let me. Everyone trusted that I would figure it all out and be OK, but I didn’t and I am not.
Thank you Harlon for sharing your struggle with us. I know you are strong enough to do anything!
At times, in these times, I can feel overwhelmed. The last few months have been loss and illness and the next few months are change.
When I moved to the family house to be with my Mom, I was clear to myself that this was a chapter in my life. Things weren’t working out well for me in the city, so home is always a safe place to go, it always has been. I figured my Mother could use companionship (as would I) and I knew she would eventually need care (as would I). I knew the narrative and I knew how that chapter would end, and it did.
Now a new chapter begins. This chapter is about a new beginning, about exploring my passions and creating my “next”. It’s about my new life.
It just didn’t start the way I would have liked it. I am going into this…
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I have a hole above my heart it’s there for good keeping.
In my blood are intuition and instincts and the things that I have gone through. I have absorbed them all and I am absorbed by them. The machine takes the blood from me, and after I process what is happening, the machine processes my blood and returns it to me; clean. My blood is my […]
As I look back through my life, the one thing I knew is that I didn’t always know better. Yet, somehow, I learned what “better” was, often by trial and error, and somehow, I would end up better, if not worse for wear.
I am overjoyed to hear Harlon is on the mend. I’m praying he will continue writing his raw/honest Blog. We miss you Harlon, sending love.
Words are failing me because my body has failed me again. I have traveled the world, yet now I feel all over the place. I feel at odds with everything, so I beat the odds. Things have been extremely difficult, but things are starting to feeling different. The mind is settling. The body is healing. […]
Thank you Harlon, gives something to think about. M
Lately, I’ve found myself saying “I should do…”
I think there’s a trap in this, it sets off an alarm in my mind.
If I should be doing something, then I can just do it.
Ultimately, I can do anything.
Or do I sometimes
feel because of peer or societal pressure that this is
what I should be doing
because that is what other people are doing
because I don’t feel successful.
I am pretty sure this is a trap,
and that I am setting myself up for disappointment and failure.
There is no “should be”,
there is instead “I will be” or “I am doing what I want”.
Or I should just be doing nothing.
A friend of mine the other day said something brilliant:
“expectations are the death of happiness.”
That lingered on my mind, as it may on yours
and that lead me to something equally profound.
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Interesting and thoughtful words about life. Thanks Harlon for the reblog. to Survivors. M
I will be alright
and so you will be too
and we will get strong
we will get right back
to where we started from.
Everybody is doing what they want to,
why should we be different?
Time is always ticking
and it ticks for so long
but with love and support
you can’t go wrong.
We are going to be alright
and get through from where we’ve been from
and get right back
from where we started from
because we have always been right
and we have always been strong
that is the place where we started from.
Thanks Harlon for sharing your story. M
I guess you could say an I am in a pickle.
As a person with multiple chronic and episodic disabilities, I am not an easy friend to have.
However, I try.
For the last two years, my health has been erratic, often failing surprising for no apparent reason.
Is it because I am HIV+ and my immunity system, after 30 years fails me, or am I just one of those people that gets ill often?
The thing is I don’t want this to come at jeopardizing my friendships.
And I get it, I make plans and then I have to cancel, but my intentions are good. I am quite transparent that I may suddenly get ill, and I appreciate that is a challenge when you’ve made plans three weeks in advance to so something.
However, I feel I have been forthright. I have said to my friends can we make…
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Beautiful song. I like this particular song because it means different things to each person. M
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
I’d give to you the day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I’d sing a song to make you feel this way
Insightful post by Harlon. M
from when I needed to take some time off, I am borrowing the words of another that resonate quite profoundly with me in this moment.
is a way of staying alive. Hiding is a way of holding ourselves until we are ready to come into the light. Even hiding the truth from ourselves can be a way to come to what we need in our own necessary time. Hiding is one of the brilliant and virtuoso practices of almost every part of the natural world: the protective quiet of an icy northern landscape, the held bud of a future summer rose, the snow bound internal pulse of the hibernating bear. Hiding is underestimated. We are hidden by life in our mother’s womb until we grow and ready ourselves for our first appearance in the lighted world; to…
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Harlon ask some good questions about his way of living. Maybe you have to. M
Most nights, I don’t get any sleep at all.
Then every now and then
I sleep for 16 hours
I find often I don’t sleep
it’s just that I don’t want to face it all.
With the rise
becomes the fall.
I’m tired and that’s the way it’s just going to be.
I wonder if what I am tired of
is me being me.
I feel like I have been through a lot
at times it feels like too much
it feels like seasons are passing
and I am not turning out to be all I can be
and nothing is happening
I am becoming a lesser version of me
and it feels like I am trespassing.
I feel like I have broken so many of the rules
that feels like treason.
I guess what I really want
is someone to stay with and believe in me.
I guess what I really want to know,
God, and the power I never really invested in you,
can you tell me, is there a reason?
Harlon, this post will feel many with Pride and leave a big smile of their face. You have that about you, I leave you post always smiling.
don’t let anyone undo that.
Make Bob Mackie gowns out of towels
or wear a necklace of pearls
and smile and laugh as you do it.
There is more to this world than just boys and just girls,
it’s time that we all embrace that.
Be good to yourself
and to everyone else.
Feel good about yourself
and everyone else
and if you feel you can’t do it
ask for support if you need help
because everyone has the right to be themself.
We all deserve respect
and we all have room for compassion,
and at the end of the day
remember to be grateful for all that happens.
If we all took pride in ourselves and everyone else
this world could be wonderful,
true and not false.
Thanks for sharing Harlon, life can suck sometimes. Thank goodness for the sunshiny days. M
I am sorry if I have seemed distant
I am sorry I don’t return your calls,
it’s not because I don’t care.
I am lethargic
because I can’t get to sleep.
If I start to drift off
I never drift that deep.
I wish I could get out of the grey
and fall into the black.
Somewhere I became afraid
I would never come back.
I find it hard to focus
and express myself
so I tend
to just keep things to myself.
I take pills, 3 of those and 2 of them
but they don’t seem to work anymore.
I think it’s because I feel anxiety
that I have ever felt before.
What I wouldn’t give for a normal sleep?
An old-fashioned good night’s rest.
I don’t feel strong, I could feel better
and I don’t know if I will ever be at my best.
Another great post from Harlon. M
I’ve got a bone to pick with you
I’ve got a bone to pick with you
and I am not too sure why.
This doesn’t have to be hasty
things don’t need to turn nasty
as a matter of fact
it might be quite tasty.
You’re just going to have to trust me
that’s what lust is about for me.
I’ve got a bone to pick with you
and it might taste sweet in your pie.
Harlon shares his concern as a caregiver for his mother. Is he giving her what she needs? Is Harlon not moving forward due to his love for mom. M
My mother was being extremely difficult this morning.
As hard as I was trying to reassure her, she was fighting me,
every word I said.
She is anxious and scared and has every right to be.
So do I.
My friends are all saying take care of yourself
and hope that I am finding the support I need.
I would give myself a B+ at taking care of myself
and I have no fucking clue what it means when people say
“I hope you are finding the support you need.”
Caregiving is difficult, especially when you are not just
visiting and caring
but actually living the experience with them,
actually giving care 24/7.
It doesn’t even feel like caregiving sometimes.
It feels like I am just watching her decompose.
I wish someone asked me what do I need?
What could someone do to actually help me out on a practical…
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I had many of the same thoughts worrying about my grandparents. The greatest blessing is I stayed, held their hand till the last breath.
I haven’t been feeling well
but I know I’ll get better
it’s just because we’ve been getting
too much rainy weather.
Sometimes I wish someone would hold me
other times I wish they would let go
things will get better
if I move to San Diego.
I worry about my Mother
I think we’re getting close to the end
I am present to care
and the son becomes the best friend.
I worry about my bank account
and retiring on just a dime
who will care for me?
I know all good things come in good time.