used – ta – could

survivor road

there was a time
i could pretend
it was the way
things should be
big brother
teaching me
how it was
to be all growed up

i got to hang out
with him and his friends
and maybe be rewarded
with ice cream
or candy
if i didn’t scream
or cry

and that’s how big-brother-love was

after the first time
when i was beat
by our father
when i tried to tell

big boys don’t tattle

it’s weird
but as painful
as horrible as things were
i knew what to expect

any more
i’m lucky if i know
what day it is
and there really isn’t
much to look forward to

sometimes
i miss the days
that i use-ta-could
accept …

no

pretend to accept

my life

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fragmented history

survivor road

It was in my third year
she abused me
And in therapy we’re finding
pieces of three

Two more years she would have me
don’t know how I survived
As I have discovered
pieces of five

We then moved to a new city
a new home – a new state
And for three years my brother
gave me pieces of eight

For two more years torture
from him and his friends
But she left and got married
at least one part did end

… somewhere deep in my mind there hide
pieces of ten

From eleven to fourteen
no memories exist
So here – no new pieces
have been found to resist

Yet I wonder and worry
we’ve unearthed something new
And my world – once more shaken
by pieces
of two

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partials

survivor road

when you know only pieces
and scattered at that
of a time when things didn’t go so right

and then later in life
when your guard isn’t up
another piece falls into the light

and those horrible thoughts
from your imagination
don’t even come close to what’s real

you have to sit back
and wonder a bit
was it worth all the effort to feel

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