I finished telling my therapist the trauma. For the most part I sat firmly rooted in the present while I spoke. I feel oddly still, whole and okay. I will just let it be.Still – EMDR Journey Notes — Owning It
I believe tomorrow I will finish providing my history. I am calm, filled with anticipation, but for what? Whenever I tell my story I am soothed with blankets of confirmation. I have never been able to wear them as skins, but it is comforting for a breif moment to be warmed in understanding. My life […]Anticipation – EMDR Journey Notes — Owning It
Exploring the question of why I keep trying took me into some deep water. From the outset I need to say the elephant in the room is loneliness. Looking at that raised some other questions. Working to grow is all well and good. But there is a flip side, a parasitic obsession that mimics “therapeutic” […]Guilt – EMDR Journey Notes — Owning It
I’ve had so many mornings after. But today’s dawn light brings a focus and clarity. Asked what he thought, my therapist said “it sounded like a horror movie”. There’s so much comfort in his confirmation. I needn’t scurry between doubts. I have come here to be solid and sure. Maybe others have said it before, […]Solid – EMDR Journey Notes — Owning It
I have therapy tomorrow. I only skimmed my homework. And won’t have a chance to bite into it today. He gave me these relaxing techniques. I will happily workout for 2 hours. What does it tell me if I won’t make 20 minutes to relax? Why do I have to be on? Chilling isn’t something […]Dismissal – EMDR Journey Notes — Owning It
The assault set up an ongoing conflict between who I am and how I see myself. Did I fight or freeze*? There are knee jerk emotional responses, instant pillars standing in our psyches. There are ways I always feel when I look at the asualt. I can’t conciously change them. But what if I didn’t […]Doubt – EMDR Journey Notes — Owning It
I need words for what I did yesterday. I was sick to my stomach most of the night and don’t feel myself yet. As I generally don’t get stomach bugs, I am going to suspect emotional influences. I hope words will get me through. Yesterday I told my therapist, Rand what happened on the playground. […]EMDR Journey Notes – Blanket of words — Owning It
Tomorrow I believe I begin giving a detail history to the therapist. There’s a barren feeling when I think about the magnitude of my story. Against what I know, is a strange emptiness. It leaves my mouth hollow and dry. It’s a repetitive thing tumbling around, never getting far enough away to forget. When I […]EMDR Journey Notes – Silence — Owning It
There are treasures locked inside of me. This isn’t only a hunt to dump light into the deep scars left by the trauma. It is mostly a journey of expansion and growth. Every fiber in me believes it will be awakened. breakout (capsule)EMDR Journey Notes – 9-19-20 — Owning It
When I mentioned being kidnapped the therapist asked a question that has lingered: “We’re they ever caught?” I can’t possibly layout my reactions in any order that gives them meaning. To him I replied “no one ever knew, except for Bobby G. He called it a “bad trick”. What a 21st century question. This was […]EMDR Journey Notes – 9-18-20 — Owning It
I generally try to craft well written posts. I am taking a different approach with these Notes. They will be just simple impressions and expressions. I meet Rand today, session one is in the books. We talked about what our work together would look like. There are some formal steps, the word escapes me (foundation?). […]EMDR Journey Notes – Day 1 — Owning It
As I near my first appointment I have a growing awareness of just how ready I am. When I interviewed this therapist I was very specific which rape I wanted to deal with. As I have read more about EMDR I discovered that there is a formal evaluation in which my entire history will be […]EMDR Journey Notes – Big Bang — Owning It
I had a dream that on second thought most would describe as a nightmare. The fact that I just think of it as a dream tells me more then it’s content. I was alone in managing the aftermath of the trauma. No one even knew I was kidnapped let alone that my life was in […]EMDR Journey Notes – PTSD — Owning It
…the open woman welcoming all of life’s marvels to twinkle from her eyes. They are light hearted souls gracing the world.EMDR Journey Notes – Expectations — Owning It
I am a few days into my decision to get EMDR. Just opening the subject has been fairly powerful and I want to maintain a diary of the process. I will share what I’ve posted elsewhere and from here out will be doing entries here. 9/2/2020 Guys I interviewed a therapist who does EMDR today. […]EMDR Journey Notes – Catch up — Owning It
From 5 on, my pallet didn’t expand. If anything it shrank.Profound Victory — Owning It
“Could you teach me?”happy? — Owning It
It’s a moment telling two stories, a before and after.In the sun, between — Owning It
What was my inner muscle head planning?Reluctant Beast — Owning It
Every morning, same routine: pose for a progress photo. Find my abs, turn on my left leg, flex hard, find the shield, flex hard, flex hard. Take the shot. Every morning I see myself as strong and muscular. I am not the most, nor the biggest. Where I am on the spectrum isn’t important. That […]
Why do you do the things you do? I’ve taken a meandering path for a sweet nugget of insight. “I can hardly believe how good you got at hating yourself” These words came in hard and piercing. It was during a casual conversation with a friend about my physique. I mentioned my relief to be […]
To know Now…
Pretend you are worth it, you will come to know you are.
2 years ago I came out on Facebook as a rape survivor.
The competition was an amazing experience. Yesterday, the day after I was a heap of happy exhaustion. So much happened so quickly I will need time to reflect on it all.
I had no idea what to expect. My coach, Nick Deacon said I would be coming home with trophies. But I honestly thought he was just pumping up my head too. Turns out the guy knew what he was talking about. I came in 1st in the 4 divisions I competed in:
Your goals transform when you commit to a project. They may start off as one thing, but then the particulars become the focus and that seed is all but forgotten.
My initial goal was less focused on the competition and more on the other competitors. I wanted to belong. I have always struggled with feeling that sense of…
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This bodyEntwined of graceAnimalIntelligentSinewyPrecisionExposed This bodySolid On frameNoble of purpose Carved in pursuit. This bodyyou taught to hateStands unfurled Defiant to your indignitiesGlowing in now This bodyyou played to snuffBreathes deep This bodyyou stoleHarbors incomfort and council This body is mine To build as I see fit How dare you dare. As witness This body […]
Identity vibrates between states, skittling and shaking, hints of vaporous solids anchor the ends. False states are mingled in and overlaid. Aspirations tinged with hope, mislead. Opinion and insight can reveal, but not transmute ownership. I have a collection of facts, pasted and stapled to each other in the form of a man. He’s a […]
Throughout the process I am encountering a number of challenges. Discarded candy wrappers beck and call me from the gutter. Tanning products exist in a matrix of superfluous information. Can workouts ever be productive enough?. But by far the most difficult for me is staying positive. Again I plunged into a negative space while sending […]
I can’t honestly discuss my bodybuilding journey without being candid. Changing my body has meant changing my mind. I have a complicated relationship with food. Those who have known me are shocked by the color of what I am now eating. I was known as the beige guy. So many times I’ve been asked what […]
We rely on photographs to tell us the truth. As an artist I should know better. But even so, I tend to believe what I see. For over 5 years I send Visual Assessment photos to my trainer. Once a month, I roll out of bed, and before I eat or drink I take the […]
I am the proud owner of tiny, shiney posing briefs. If you know me, this may seem out of character. If you don’t, we’ll both be getting to know me. I am preparing for my first bodybuilding competition. It is how I choose to celebrate turning 60 years old. It is not a delayed midlife […]
Scratchy thoughts collected as a note to a friend or many.
I haven’t published in a terribly long time. At first, I thought I would be back shortly, then it stretched from weeks into months. I am officially taking a hiatus from the blog.
As I work through my life, I have discovered I want to present my story with the breath only a longer format offers. I don’t know if I can do it. But I know I need to try. As I do with most of my projects, I fell in deep. To say it has become intense is an understatement.
Writing shares my energies with my other pursuits, a business and social life. I am currently preparing an installation for the Philadelphia Airport and training for my first bodybuilding competition in May of 2019.
Thank you so much for all of the support.
Untreated, trauma festers.
I hold it off as sketchy and stretchy and ill fitting.
…where are the other exploited boys from the 70’s?
In 1974 I was 15 and disappeared for 5 days.
Off a dirt road behind the city I walked into a vast warehouse. Dark and quite. It’s sole gritty industry is pushing human performance. The athletes who train here squeeze their bodies through barriers most can’t even imagine. The only creature comfort are huge fans slamming the superheated Texan air around.
Did I belong in such a place? At some point that once ever present question has faded. I wasn’t frozen by the obvious disparity between me and them. Was there even much of a difference?
I wasn’t much of an outlier, especially here. It’s a place where journeys are understood and ambitions are respected. Come here with a jumble of goals and they’ll become disentangled and aligned into stairs, steps to the next.
Being shirtless and comfortable with others passing by I see how far I have come. Confidence is a byproduct of security. As I’ve come to…
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I’ve been pretending for so long the process is rapid, effortless and worse, automatic.
Vague memories are surfacing. They are more notions then narratives, feelings then scenarios. It’s a bit unusual for me, I am hyper visual yet many of the details are just sensations. They’ve been locked away for four decades. The smallest thing seems a major revelation. He said he’d get me a toothbrush. I felt guilty he […]
Laying there groggy, I recognized for the first time the depth of my experience.
I am taking it slowly as I explore my memories.
I found it valuable to lay out what guides me.
I will fight to grow my body, mind and heart.
I will build a physique that celebrates health, fitness and wellbeing.
I will affirm my manhood, my right to it and inclusion in it.
I will value my perspective no matter how unique or common.
I will treat myself and others with kindness, compassion and understanding.
I will strive to live authentically and openly inline with my aspirations. The purest being my desire to build a body that reflects my vast inner strength. I will not longer hide. I will manifest a body that expresses the density of my singularity. I will stand true to my entire being, honor who I’ve been and discovery all that I am capable of. Along the way I hope to be an inspiration. I will encourage others to keep fighting for better, light and peace.
I follow the Precision Nutrition lessons through my coach
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I enjoyed a simple pleasure, I liked my reflection in a mirror. I am picking clothes I look good in. I am tucking in my shirt, because damn, I look better that way. I’m rolling up my cuffs. Why? It makes my thick legs look even bigger of course. I am worth dressing. I saw […]
My body won’t free me until I do something.
I saw this prompt. I ignored this prompt. I didn’t think about, didn’t check in to see what others wrote. I don’t want it. I told myself I wouldn’t write this. I looked away and pretended I didn’t need to.
But my throat tightened. I wanted to swallow, but was afraid I couldn’t. Clenched tight, a knotty ball lays at the top of my throat. A hard hurt you hope you can ease around, but can’t.
My body won’t give me a pass.
I can not ignore this prompt.
He choked me.
How can I remember it without my throat slamming shut? Why? Four decades of free breath yet here I am. My body won’t free me until I do something. This prompt, is this a way out? My body needs the memory, needs me to do what, fucking cry?
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Working through, the obvious become blatant and unavoidable.
There is another sentence that is now honest and complete: The man who took me to NYC did so for one purpose, to sell me for sex.
He didn’t take me there so I could find a boyfriend and have a love. In my hormone soaked brain, only a sweet boy could mend my wounds and stop the bleeding. My desperation was normal teenage angst jacked on the damage of abuse. He had the fix to fill that gaping hole, NYC.
I went willingly. He baited me with Billy, who never turned up. He showed me cruising areas where I could have a new boyfriend every hour. He even fed me, 3 times in 4 days. Of course I was grateful, it all seemed like an opportunity. I couldn’t see how he was purposefully weaking me.
When he collected me from the rape, he also collected payment. While he stretched…
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In our first lesson, my posing coach commented on my slouched posture, “Don’t hide your body, you’re a bodybuilder”. Those words ricocheted through my psyche. For so long my body spoke of my position in the world, head down, scurrying through, hoping to be left alone.
But that is not who I am.
If I honestly tell the story of my abuse, over and over I am confronted with brave acts on my part. When pressed into extreme situations, I performed wisely and with courage. They were organic responses spontaneously originating from my core.
How did the kid who survived so much grow up to be me? My behavior was in stark contrast to who I became, a jumpy and nervous recluse. It’s ironic that the abuse I escaped from by my wits, strength and bravery later convinced me I was weak. There is no shame. I’ve come to learn…
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The writing about the rape is taking longer than I thought. I ask for patience from you and myself as I allow the process to unfold. As I dig deeper I am remembering details I never spoken of, one in particular I buried. I’ve long generalize what happened, he drugged me, raped me and then […]
Words don’t seem like they can carry the weight of what I can’t set free.
unashamed and unapologetic…believe and belong