Inspiration & Doubt — Owning It

These photos mostly inspire me. But when I am low, they taunt me and I wonder: “Am I a fool?” “Should I give up?” “Didn’t I start to late?” “I wouldn’t have looked like them at their age, why bother now?” I know I would feel worse if I quit. So I plod on and something […]

Inspiration & Doubt — Owning It

Before — Owning It

My biggest victories are invisible. My wins are much larger than the pounds pressed or reps gotten. Below the surface of my bodybuilding there are two key life events. The first is a sweet inspiring moment. The second is bitter. The latter’s aftermath threw me into a prison of confusing contradictions. Long before the kidnapping, […]

Before — Owning It

Home — Owning It

A video starts and you see yourself. What if your first, unedited thought was “handsome and muscular”? Bear with me. The assessment isn’t fueled with bloated pride, nor was it a notion born of hope. What was seen was not a Hollywood hunk or Mr. Olympia. It was simply an appreciative recognition. And I can […]

Home — Owning It

Post Competition Quikie

Owning It

The competition was an amazing experience. Yesterday, the day after I was a heap of happy exhaustion. So much happened so quickly I will need time to reflect on it all.

I had no idea what to expect. My coach, Nick Deacon said I would be coming home with trophies. But I honestly thought he was just pumping up my head too. Turns out the guy knew what he was talking about. I came in 1st in the 4 divisions I competed in:
Debut Bodybuilding
Classic Lightweight
Novice Lightweight
Open Lightweight

Your goals transform when you commit to a project. They may start off as one thing, but then the particulars become the focus and that seed is all but forgotten.

My initial goal was less focused on the competition and more on the other competitors. I wanted to belong. I have always struggled with feeling that sense of…

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This Body — Owning It

This bodyEntwined of graceAnimalIntelligentSinewyPrecisionExposed This bodySolid On frameNoble of purpose Carved in pursuit. This bodyyou taught to hateStands unfurled Defiant to your indignitiesGlowing in now This bodyyou played to snuffBreathes deep This bodyyou stoleHarbors incomfort and council This body is mine To build as I see fit How dare you dare. As witness This body […]

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Look/See — Owning It

Identity vibrates between states, skittling and shaking, hints of vaporous solids anchor the ends. False states are mingled in and overlaid. Aspirations tinged with hope, mislead. Opinion and insight can reveal, but not transmute ownership. I have a collection of facts, pasted and stapled to each other in the form of a man. He’s a […]

via Look/See — Owning It

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Toddle On — Owning It

Throughout the process I am encountering a number of challenges. Discarded candy wrappers beck and call me from the gutter. Tanning products exist in a matrix of superfluous information. Can workouts ever be productive enough?. But by far the most difficult for me is staying positive. Again I plunged into a negative space while sending […]

via Toddle On — Owning It