…the open woman welcoming all of life’s marvels to twinkle from her eyes. They are light hearted souls gracing the world.EMDR Journey Notes – Expectations — Owning It
I am a few days into my decision to get EMDR. Just opening the subject has been fairly powerful and I want to maintain a diary of the process. I will share what I’ve posted elsewhere and from here out will be doing entries here. 9/2/2020 Guys I interviewed a therapist who does EMDR today. […]EMDR Journey Notes – Catch up — Owning It
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— MaleSurvivor 25th Anniversary: an interview with Ken Followell, who started out as a participant in the forum, was then inspired to become a volunteer and eventually served as President of the Board of Directors of MaleSurvivor.org.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IP7Kc6_X3K0&t=24s
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— MaleSurvivor Webinar of Recovery: Howard Fradkin, Ph.D In this webinar, Fradkin — a highly respected therapist, expert about abuse, and co-founder of MaleSurvivior — engages in a panel discussion focused on protecting children, adults and families from physical, emotional and sexual abuse.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4iZILiGVig
As you know MaleSurvivor is committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism. Our all volunteer staff support the daily operation of our Discussion Board and Chatrooms which enables men from around the world to connect and find support. Our online community continues to grow with over 14k+ users from over 90+ countries. We are a diverse, supportive, inclusive, and safe place for survivors to reach out, connect, and be supported by fellow survivors.
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Dear Friends, With the launch of our new website, MaleSurvivor received several qualified and enthusiastic inquiries about serving on the Board of Directors. We are thrilled to introduce you to four new members:
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It’s all well and good that the royal commission has addressed the institutional, systemic abuse of children in care…
But what about all the many thousands of children sexually abused by a family member or a neighbor ???
These people have NO voice, because they were NOT abused in institutional care !!!
I was chronically abused by the next door neighbor for three years !!!
I will NEVER get any reparations for what was done to me, and has made my life hell.
I am honored to have been invited to share my posts here. This blog is simply a chronicle of my story, past and present. I am a visual artist, developing bodybuilder, sporadic writer and survivor of sexual abuse.
Since I was a child, I navigated the world by hiding. I developed a complex array of secrets to drown my shame. But it never stopped reaching out and pulling me down. I wasn’t safe from it, I was stuck.
I saw just how brittle my world was when I broke my 17 year celibacy. There were no friends who knew I was or had any inkling why. I saw how completely I built a fragile fiction over my past. I resolved I would start to say exactly those things I didn’t want to. Just over a year ago I began this blog.
I’ve learned a lot since I began. As an artist, expression has always been vital to my well being. My artwork tends to be spontaneous and emotive, but secretive. Writing about my past strips me of that luxury.
I’ve grown so much through writing. Attempting to convey my feelings and thoughts raises questions that have been beneficial to track down. My values and goals have become clearer to me.
As a survivor I’ve searched for others. Hearing their stories has helped me know myself better. If you can see a bit of yourself here, please hold that reflection in compassion.
My entire life has revolved around pretending I’m ok and as I grow and years go on I’m left in between the feeling of saying I’m not ok to others but never do I feel like they ok with my response ..SO MY FEELINGS OF MAKING THINGS RIGHT FOR OTHERS TO BE OK IS ONGOING. .
AFTER A LONG WEEKEND ALONE BATTLING ALONE TRYING TO DISTRACT MY FAMILY ARRIVED HOME INCLUDING MY OLDEST BOY,HOW EVER TRYING IT WAS I SURVIVED. THEN I STARTED DISOCIATING BADLY IT STARTED AT WORK ,PEOPLE TALKING TO ME BUT I COULD ONLY HEAR PARTS MY EARS WERE JUST NOT WORKING, I FELL TO PIECES TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO MY THERAPIST WHO CLEARLY SAID IT WAS BAD DISOCIATION I WAS EXPERIENCING. ..THEN CAME FAMILY DEMANDS AND OUTINGS WITH MORE DESREGULATION FOR ME..AND HOPING FINALLY IT WOULD ABATE WORK TOOK MORE FROM ME CAUSING HURENDOUS STRESS,BY THIS STAGE I’M FEELING LIKE MY PLAN TO END MY LIFE IS WORTH IT ..FINALLY MONDAY MY KEY WORKER DIDN’T TURN UP CAUSING THE ULTIMATE ANGER AND TURMOIL THAT IV ENDED SEEING HER,DON’T GET ME WRONG SHE IS LOVELY BUT AFTER TRYING TO EXPLAIN HOW IT FEELS (ABANDONED, AND LIKE I DON’T MATTER AND HOW MUCH I’M BATTLING NOW ..AND WITH ALL GOING ON THIS WASNT THE RIGHT TIMING FOR ME,HER RESPONSE WAS WELL I COULDN’T MAKE IT SOMETHING ELSE URGENT CAME UP ..AND LATER WE SPOKE AND HER TONE TOLD ME SHE WAS PISSED OFF I’D EVEN SAY HOW I FELT. .BUT SHE WOULD RESEDULE FOR NXT WEEK IF I WANTED TO” MY RESPONSE HONESTLY I CAN’T DO THIS SO NO I’D RATHER NOT SEE YOU.
Weather or not it was the right decision I don’t know, determining that now is out of my league. .but I’m sick of pretending I’m ok and when people hate my answer trying to make it better for them …then don’t ask me. .Fuck off and leave me I don’t need them!!
Recently I spoke with my old therapist she has many years experience in defending aswell as writing up reports on abuse cases that will be going to court. I generally wanted to know the course of action that will happen ,how invasive are the questions ,time frames etc. seen I now live over seas ! M was incredibly truthful with me in explaining that more that 85 percent of her clients regret or are more traumatized than ever after either beginning or finishing the court trial, by this stage I was crying on the phone “we spoke about my reasons ,they pretty simple im at a honest stage im sick of hearing how my uncle for one continues to molest children even at the age of 77 there around and even though he has dementia and numerous other health issues he still remembers how to do this “YUK” and yet family still hold onto the belief his not aware anymore ,shame leave him the live in a very poverty stricken squatter camp in south Africa so im guessing these young teens are more venerable! Then for me there was not only him I was abused by a cousin and four of his friends and roughly same time there was another group of three that joined separately making a total of 8 offenders so my battle was going to be more intense. M also spoke of the strain on my family as all will be interviewed and we talking of a time frame over 30 odd years how would we manage? … could we survive this?
At this point i battle daily to stay grounded as night falls and my mind wonders were too , M as far away as we are is available for more chats surrounding my questions …she made me promise that either way forward id not do it alone I need a small group of supporters of professionals and family who no my queues .There’s something about that I hate grrr I so want to go it alone its mine and ill deal with it ,there’s to the other piece of contacting sexual abuse rape crises and getting support to a police interview next week around more questions on the process , im battling to even ring and ask!
As for now im drowning myself in work 14 hour days it helps my anxiety and for now im home and don’t return till weekend and Monday then home 3 days were ill go this interview …”BREATH IM TRYING”
In this post I use ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ because my subjective experience is that of multiple separate people.
The children of pathological narcissists must blind themselves to behaviors that healthy people consider unspeakable.
Food deprivation, the theft of money, a lack of boundaries, triangulated relationships in which the child must either see the other parent as an enemy or hate the other parent outright, contempt for the achievements of others, the competitive behavior of a child, and the threat of psychological annihilation.
For the narcissist the worst crime is independent thought.
The child has no needs of his own.
He must have no dreams, and no vision of life without the clinging demands of a parent or parent surrogate who is essentially a two-year old with no insight.
The psychological death-blow is that the child must never surpass the parent.
My Mother despised my intelligence and…
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I’m at the park watching an old guy feed bread crumbs to a flock of pigeons.
He’s like God throwing manna to the Children of Israel.
Sometimes I think all of life is magical but growd-ups don’t wanna talk about magic.
They say magic is for kids but if you ask them how come they’re alive, they don’t know what to say.
Ok, so I got a question:
Let’s say one-day u meet someone an’ this person sez they got lots a love for you but somethin’ don’t feel right.
But you wanna be loved and the person seems straight up. An’ you love ‘em back.
But there’s shadows you can’t explain, and the shadows look familiar.
But you don’t want to lose the love so u try to pretend like the shadows ain’t there when, bam!
Them shadows gets bigger an’ meaner until everything is black like it was for Robby when the shadows sliced his soul.
So you try to talk about it cuz maybe it’s all in your head so you say, “I’m scared cuz
I think somethin’ ain’t right.”
An’ the person says; “Bad people see bad things in good people.”
So you go, OK. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I imagine lies and meanness cuz I’m bad.
An I think, “Everything about me is me is wrong….”
An’ then I think, “But this all feels so familiar…”
So one day I come home an’ I see somethin’ terrible…I see this person doin’ bad stuff with a little kid, an’ I say, “Wow! That’s wrong!”
So right away this person says I’m a hater that ain’t got no gratitude an’ I didn’t see what I seen an’ I need to remember that most folks don’t even like me an cuz I’m judgmental an I’m not allowed to be judgmental cuz makin’ judgments it’s wrong.
An’ I think, “This feels so familiar an’ so confusing.
An’ I think, “If everything is good then nothin’s bad and that can’t be right.”
So now I’m thinkin’ it really is me, cuz maybe I’m full of shadows, cuz maybe I’m a hater an I got no room to judge things cuz I’m the one that’s wrong.
But ain’t it wrong to do sex stuff with a little kid?
So here’s my question?
Do you got this stuff figured out?
Is it always wrong to judge and ain’t there some things that’s wrong to do?
From what I know about your Mother I can understand how you might stumble into relationships that feel deceptive and controlling.
That you have survived to be as loving as you are attests to your strength of will and natural gift for seeing through fakes.
You will have to fight for the stability that many people mistakenly assume is the result of thinking the “right thoughts.”
The compulsion to replicate an abusive relationship is a challenge that adults who were abused as children must understand and overcome.
You want to make it right with your Mother, but she is gone; so you look for her in other people.
The shadows you describe are a good sign, because it means that you can see the replication before it is complete.
Your ability to see that you are in danger means that you are better able to protect yourself.
People yield to each other when they truly accept and love each other.
They yield by mutual consent.
What you are used to is love as warfare and you as hostage.
You look for emotional vampires that call you a hater when you discover that they are dead inside.
You invite them into your life and let them feed on you.
You will always have to guard against the attraction to people who can’t love.
But no one has the right to judge your perception of the difference between right and wrong.
It is true that we must not judge people harshly for being who they are but there are right and wrong actions and not judging people who choose to harm other people places all of us at risk.
You are no better than anyone else is and no one else is better than you are.
This awareness is part of the magic you describe.
When we live in a world in which each of us is respected as an essential expression of the divine we no longer need to treat each other as enemies and pawns.
Your innate awareness of this fills you with the love that you struggle to express.
This spirit of love makes you seem hateful to the soulless.
But it’s not just you Bobby.
You survived a Mother who in her love for you wanted you dead.
You survived her physically and emotionally, all you need to do now is tell your story because that is how survivors help others to survive.
You must learn to understand how your past affects the present in the past, and the present in the future.
You will have to remember the selfish ignorance that raped your body, it is horrifying, but all of us must do it.
This selfish ignorance tells you that compassion is a failure to mature.
Mistaking parasitic self-interest for maturity is a convenient lie.
With all of our problems and pain, we are lucky because you are our soul and you are intact.
Adults bring the fruit of wisdom into the world.
That is our job and why we must get well.
Know that I love you and that I am here to protect you until you can protect yourself,
I see that phrase at least three times during an average session online.
I Am Not a Victim
Various free online dictionaries define the word victim as: an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance: a person who has suffered the effects of violence or illness or badluck: anaccidentvictim She’s just a victim of circumstances beyond her control.
Vic”tim, n. Etym: [L. victima: cf. F. victime.]
1. A living being sacrificed to some deity, or in the performance of a religious rite; a creature immolated, or made an offering of. Led like a victim, to…
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