Born in 2014 Survivors Blog Here is going strong for you.

I chose this photo because when I think of the type of environment we wanted to create at Survivors Blog Here, it’s an embrace. Embracing who you are, where you are, embracing you as you take steps forward and the occasional step back.

Photo by fauxels on

Survivors Blog Here was created by three friendly bloggers, Army of Angles, Hyperion and myself, Looking for the Light. We had our own baggage and had been there for each other thru some difficult times. We wanted to take our collective knowledge to help others. Survivors Blog Here was the first name that came to mind and we were born in that early morning hour.

This is part of our Mission Statement if you will.

We support men and women Survivors from every walk of life. Struggles with Trauma, Violence, Mental Illness, Child Abuse, Chronic Illness, and more. We’re here for you.

Providing support as you work towards healing, taking steps forward, moving beyond the pain and struggle. We’re a collaborative of like-minded writers and photographers with a mission: to offer a creative, honest and safe place to gather. We offer support from a team of Survivors with diverse backgrounds, we believe everyone has a story to tell.

Our writers offer an interesting perspective, humor and wealth of knowledge through personal experiences. Each writer has their own blog, be sure to stop by their individual sites. Your questions and comments are important to us, you’ll get honest feedback even when it’s not want you want to hear. Everyone is important.

Photo by Marlon Martinez on

One of the keys to success at Survivors Blog Here was having other great contributors join the group and add their story, we all have one, sometimes ugly but all worth telling. We have a great team of contributors who have come and gone over the years but their legacy last in our archives. There is a wealth of knowledge of every imageable subject in our archives, be sure to search thru them for a gem you might be needing.

The Pandemic has been hard of many of the contributors who were having their own struggles before the most difficult times hit. Many contributors you haven’t seen in a long time, I miss them too. I’m confident our trusted contributors will return once life is less stressful and they are feeling more creative.

I want to thank the Contributors who have soldered on thru these difficult times to continue with informative, helpful post and to be there for everyone who needs their support. I truly appreciate your commitment.

Survivors Blog Here like all blogs has evolved like each of us do and I would love to hear from you on what you would like to see from us as we move forward. That’s been a key saying for us, Keep Moving Forward, let’s move forward together. I need you input.

What topics, deep conversations do you want us to have?

Most importantly what do you want from me? I’m the only active founder and don’t feel like I’ve been in touch with what you need from Survivors Blog Here recently.

I want all your comments, the good, bad, and the ugly. I want to know what you feel is missing in the blogging community and how do you think we can fill that need. I continue with our original mission but we are evolving and will add to our mission as we grow.


Boxed In — A Patient Voice

What if I am not as resilient as people say? What if I am not as mindful as people think I am? With a lot of therapy and personal awareness, I find myself asking these questions. Throughout the last few months, my exploration has led me to two conclusions. The first that uncertainty and not […]

Boxed In — A Patient Voice

where you lead, I will follow…

Gilmore Girls will always hold a huge, special place in my heart. I have watched the entirety of the show countless times and still can’t get enough of it. It’s like a warm hug whenever I put it on. It’s like I’m going to go hang out with my friends all in the comfort of my own home.

When I was in middle school, my neighbors had introduced me to Gilmore Girls and right away, I was hooked. I had to go out and buy the first 2 seasons immediately so I could be caught up (oh, the days before Netflix…). I watched all of those episodes, then would watch a rerun every day at 5pm on ABC Family, and then just chomp at the bit waiting for the next episode to air.

During that time, I had started living full time with my dad and my stepmom. I had a rocky upbringing due to being in the middle of a custody battle for 11 years (along with some other stuff from Mom, we’ll get into that another time), so my dad and I had a hard time getting onto the same page (trust issues). He would watch Gilmore Girls with me in the living room just about every time it aired in the beginning of the week and we would laugh together and talk about the show. We really bonded over it.

Growing up, I was a lot like Rory. Total bookworm, had a badass taste in music, and knew way too much about pop culture for people to understand me completely. She made me feel cool and confident in a time where I needed help with that the most. I was definitely proud to be like her and thought it was so cool seeing a young female shown that way on tv!

As I have gotten older, the more I admire Lorelai. She has so much strength and it’s inspiring how she put it to use. How we both built up our strength might be different, but it’s empowering to see a woman overcome obstacles on her own. She went out, made a new family of friends, worked hard and reached her goals. It may have been hard at times, but she got through it with style and her amazing wit.

Read the last 133 words here.

things that broke me – part 1

After some recent painful nights, I thought up the idea to create a series where I can release some of the things that continue to haunt me. I am trying to change myself, trying to be more positive, and change my way of thinking for the better. This is my way of cleansing myself and making way for beautiful change.

Let’s begin with one of the toughest ones.

I was in a relationship with someone for close to 4 years and he told me “I love you” out loud twice. There were times where I’d ask him to say it and he’d mumble it, but I rarely asked because it made me feel so pathetic even having to ask. The first time he said it on his own was when I tried to break up with him the first time (a month before actually ending it) and then the second time was right before I walked out the door for good.

His reasoning for not being able to say it was that his ex had “fucked with his mind for over a year”. At first, I understood that, but after we moved in together (after a year) and then more years stacked on to us being together, it felt more and more ridiculous and got more and more painful for me. I hate telling people about this whole thing because I still feel like an idiot. Who would put up with that?

I said it almost every day. Sometimes, I’d try to see how long I could go without saying it and I’d only last about 2 days. Why did I try not to say it? Because saying “I love you” to someone and NEVER getting an “I love you” back is so. fucking. painful. After a while, I felt embarrassed at myself each time I would say it.

Oh and we’re not talking about an agreed upon thing here. It’s not something that was ever okay with me and it was brought up many times. Some people have an understanding or whatever and that’s fine, but it’s not fine when it’s not agreed upon by both people.

Read the last 105 words here.


As a child, my most guarded secret was my desire to be a boy. I wouldn’t dare let anyone know what I wanted. It was dangerous being that audacious. If my dreams were discovered, I’d be ridiculed, dragged into humiliation. I couldn’t bare being taken back there. Yet everyday, without my consent and with dread […]

via Null — Owning It

Link – Binary Refraction

I received so much going to the reunion. For days afterwards I was overcome by the welcome I received by all, but one man in particular moved me. I was given so much by him. As I process, more will come.

I reconnected with a classmate. That evening while I sat on tenterhooks looking for a conversation, he moved through the room. I marveled at the ease he went from person to person. He seemed to engage everyone with his warmth and wisdom. Though I recalled him as friendly I thought of him as quiet and inward.

Since, we’ve shared more about ourselves in messages. He told part of his story. He has accomplished so much growth and seems to have stepped fully into his life.

In one exchange he wrote: My recollection of you was your specialness in school.  You hung out in the art room, had lots of friends.  I really admired you…

That is not the kid I’ve described here on this blog. I’ve forgotten him. I was a boy, a different boy. I stood out. I was smart, talented, kind and likable. In my arena I had confidence. This is not the person who went out into the world. Why did it crumble into fear and doubt?

I was aware of my specialness. But it didn’t make sense. Whatever this thing was couldn’t be counted on. It was a mirage hovering over the true me. The slightest breeze could blow it off and reveal the piece of shit I knew I was.

My teenage years were a long steady decline.  The conflict between my two selves was no longer a fair fight. The self loathing hammered me down everyday. Retreats to the art room or backstage no longer were enough to replenish me. I couldn’t live without being completely absorbed in a project. I needed the extreme pressure of constant deadlines to cancel the noise. Without it, I fell. With each fall I lost ground.

A seed stayed alive in me. I am lucky that the artist never stopped making. While creating, I’m neither boy. I am more of a vessel for something else. In this bliss I’ve been able to build a reserve. It’s not the keystone of my growth, but a place to recharge. It’s the thing that has strung me along, day to day. In that long line I’ve worked on me and gained fresh territory.

I must be prepared to always fight this battle. I can not allow self loathing to be the voice that guides me. It doesn’t go away, it lays seemingly dormant. But it’s always feeling for an in. It will slip into any crack, explosively expand to life and force the sliver into a gorge.

My binary friend held up a strange glass. In a sense it was mirrored, but didn’t show a single image. Rather what I saw was scattered and shattered. It wasn’t broken, only complexly faceted portraits of both of us. It refracted also. I saw a more complete version of us in our time. These bits and pieces describing a whole.

just a post – Progress

3-Years-02When I started training one of the hardest tasks was the initial Visual Assessment. It was simple, take photographs of myself front, back, left and right. Dutifully I did it early one morning, cropped my head off and sent it off.

That was 3 years ago today. Sure I see a lot of difference in my body. But it is what I feel that is more important.

I no longer hate my body. Infact I’ve come to like it. I don’t think that freedom is as tied into results as it may seem.

I always yearned to step into the weight room. The struggle isn’t only with the plates. I’ve dumped a lot of baggage and grown. I’ve developed a greater connection to my body, identity and goals. I will be forever grateful to my friend who encouraged me to train with Nick Deacon.

We’ve laid a good foundation and I know I am ready to pack some muscle on.