Felix Felicis

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 20, 2018.

I believe an update is warranted since I’ve made all these life changes…

It honestly feels like I have taken felix felicis, aka liquid luck (for all you non-Potterheads out there). It feels like every single move and decision and thought I make is the right one preparing me for the future I so wish to have. It’s incredible.

I haven’t felt this type of motivation in years. Solely because I had no idea what the hell I was doing or what the hell I wanted. Now, though, each day is it’s own step toward a greater goal. I am first and foremost bettering myself as a human. I’m changing the way I think and how things make me feel. I’m changing how I react to things and the way I talk about things.

Read the last 109 words here.

Things That Broke Me – Part 4

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 19, 2018.

First and foremost, I cannot stress enough that my ex had nothing to do with breaking me.

The breakup, however, did.

Let’s start with the beginning and get to where I broke….

I wasn’t happy for a while in my relationship, but thought for so long that it could work itself out or there would be some moment where it just fizzled easily apart. Obviously, neither of those options happened, but what did was a wake up call that I had never anticipated.

I was sitting at my work station on a Friday, just doing what I did everyday. Then, bam! Old Alex appeared in my mind. And she was mad. She’s the girl I had left behind almost 4 years prior, strong and independent, badass. She began listing all the things I had sacrificed and would sacrifice in the future. All of it was true.

Now, she wasn’t entirely mean, but she definitely woke me up. I’ll yell ya, she was definitely scolding me. I could see clearer then than I had for a very, very long time… and I was horrified. I couldn’t believe what I had done and who I had let go of. I had lost who I really was… and for what? Nothing. Nothing in the world was worth giving up that person.

On top of that, I had given up many facets of my life that gave me joy and was going to continue to accept less than what I deserved. So I had not only lost myself, but I had stopped doing things I loved doing and would continue to accept less in my future than what I had previously always wanted. It would be sacrifice after sacrifice made by me and only me (hint: he wasn’t doing any of the sacrifices).

So. Obviously we know what happens next.

I got terrified and absolutely panicked after I broke up with him the first time. Yes, it took two times. After the first time, I told him specific things that needed to change. He tried for a few days, but still it was just one or two things on the list (a list of things very, very easy to do, I wouldn’t ask someone to move mountains if I knew it were impossible). A few more weeks go by and I can’t take it anymore. Old Alex was still in my head keeping me on track. I tell him I had to go and stay with my friend, if you read part one of this series you’d know, he said he loved me out loud for the second time, and I left.

Less than a week goes by and I met with him in our apartment and I ended it. He just sat there and shrugged.

It was 100% the right thing to do and I don’t regret it for a second.

Here’s where I broke…

I had thought I was going to marry this person and have kids with this person and be with him forever and always.

Read the last 283 words here.

Instagram

Hey there everyone!

Another change has happened within the last few weeks… I post a positive message (image) to my Instagram account every day! It’s typically a message that I will take with me through my day and I hope that seeing it helps others during their day. Check it out here!

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Meditate It Away

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 13, 2018.

I was having a really rough day just over a month ago and I asked my best friend for some help. She had a bunch of positive affirmations and I needed some. She also told me about a meditation app. That meditation app has been my daily helper ever since I downloaded it!

The app is called Simple Habit. There are 5/10/15 minute meditations available with a ton of topics! I do it everyday before I leave the house. It clears out all my anxiety and any depression I may be feeling. It’s got options for if you’re having a rough day or starting something new or just going to start your day, etc.

Within the first few days, I noticed a change within my self and mind. From the teachings I’d meditated along with, I could just let my thoughts be instead of letting them get inside me and fester. I felt stronger just breathing and being at peace. I had much more appreciation for myself and my life.

Read the last 143 words here.

Changes

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 12, 2018.

I had a day all to myself recently where I could just relax and do absolutely nothing. I thought it would be a great day, but somehow I still ended up feeling anger or sadness. Before I went to sleep, I really thought about this and asked myself “what was it that got into your day to make you feel so upset? You were at home all day! There shouldn’t have been anything to upset you.” I realized that the only times I felt anger or sadness were from when I had opened my Facebook app.

So I deleted it.

Now, I just deleted the app so I still have a Facebook, but I don’t have the easy access to it like I did before. I haven’t fully deleted it because of all the photos as well as the fact that that’s how I can reach my page (to promote my blog). I haven’t been on it in about 3 weeks and it has been so nice!

I have been trying to change my way of thinking for the better the past few months and everyday, I still kept getting dragged into the same old thought patterns. It always stemmed from going on that app and seeing so much hate and anger and sadness and complaining. It was too much. If I couldn’t control their narratives, then it was time to control my own.

I didn’t have to go on it. I didn’t have to read their posts. I didn’t have to be upset from, well, bullshit anymore. I could free myself from it. I have that ability.

Read the last 221 words here.

hi-atus

Hello everyone.

I apologize for going away, but I really needed time to myself. I’ve been going through a lot the last few months, mostly depression, and it’s been difficult to find motivation. When it came to writing here, all my thoughts were depressed and I didn’t want the path of my blog to steer towards only depressed posts.

Now, I’m in a transition where I don’t want to dwell on the past, but I also want to release some of the painful things that have happened in my life. Maybe that’ll help as a sort of cleanse. I’ll release them here in writing and maybe others with similar experiences will see they’re not alone and that one day, they can move on from them, as well.

Thank you for sticking with me!

Visit my blog here!

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Coping with no meds

The long weekend has brought much anxiety we away from home visiting family. ..well driving here 5 hours from auckland city hubby thought best to bring meds subject up and how thoughtless I was not talking to my family before stopping meds ..

I get all that but like iv Said before support of just being around not pushing me when all is upside down will help ,but he reckons it’s not only that but the stress of watching me become unwell too.
So iv been forced to take meds well away this weekend my body hates it and I feel nausea and of course no sex of which is strange to me still needing it but it’s become compulsive  as it really relieves my anxiety , and to add a cherry on the cake Mental health rang Friday before leaving to say Dr says to return all meds to pharmacy they concerned I’ll commit suicide with it lol I have had better ways of thinking how I would do it without suffering with meds overdose. On a brighter side  my therapist Becs is voicing on Thursday she’ll be there no matter what despite saying she’s concerned I’ll get sick so I’m planning healthier ways to cope coming this week I’m gonna walk to therapy from home and Becs is gonna help add other ways .

And I guess on a different note i made it away from home we travel back tommorow I can’t wait !

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Friday. I’m just back from bringing my son to kindergarten and I’m frozen. 8ºC/46ºF. If that’s summer, I don’t even want to think how it’ll be in winter.
I managed to skip yesterday’s parents-teacher meeting. The man went alone and came back around 8.45pm. He was all smiles and the first thing he said was: “I think I want to marry a German woman… That teacher was efficient!!”. I’m glad he was happy. We know how important it’s when mom is happy but trust me, when the ex is happy, it’s even better.

Everything is ready for tomorrow. I surprised myself back in July when I decided to make the Schultüte for my daughter. You are probably wondering if I was high when I decided to do something 6 weeks ahead. No, I wasn’t. I just remembered last year when I had to do it for my son and I…

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Thursday. School started this morning for everyone except my daughter. I’m awake since 7.20am. I want to go back to bed. Last night I managed to get all the school things ready for my sons but I still have to finish putting names on my daughter’s things. She starts school on Saturday. Because she’ll start the first grade, we must go to church and then to school. It’s a pain in the ass. I understand it’s a special day for the kids who start the first grade but come on! dragging the entire family to church and then to school on a Saturday is too much for me. I’ll try to see if I can make the man go to church alone with her and stay with the others home until is time to go to school. Last year I used the excuse that my youngest son couldn’t stay quiet…

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Wednesday. Last day of summer holidays. I still have to get some stuff done. I’m already stressing. I have no idea how I’ll manage to wake up in the morning for the next 16 years… That’s a thing I never considered when I planned to have kids. How could I miss that?

Please forgive me for not answering comments in time. I’m trying to limit my computer time, that’s why I’m slow reading. I’ll try to catch up soon. I know it’s not an excuse but a few times I tried answering comments from the reader but they disappear. Then they come back. Sometimes they are not there and later when I check, I see them somewhere below other notifications. I also miss the like and reblog buttons. My blogging experience is not as fun as it used to be. I don’t know if everyone is having the same issues…

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Mug shot Tuesday. I’d rather be in bed but I’m not sure if I’d be sleeping. School starts in two days. I still don’t have anything ready. I remember my mom having everything ready the week after the school ended, like on Monday. I never could understand that. I leave everything for the last minute. I think that if I push it as much as I can there is a chance that I won’t have to do it. You know, the world could end, some elves could do it for me while I sleep, I could be abducted by aliens and things of the sort.
I think that the summer is over. Actually, it never started but I still had some hopes. Now all my hopes are gone. It’s kind of cold today and it’ll be getting colder. It’ll rain the rest of the week. How sad. It won’t get…

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Monday. Ugh. My kids are here after two weeks with their father. I didn’t really miss them, maybe because I saw them for a while last week and on video several times. That’s a great thing about technology, you can see the people you love who are far away and feel like if they are in the same room with you.
But texting is something that makes me a bit uncomfortable. Specially if you could talk with that person on the phone or in person. I mean, chatting is fine when distance makes other ways of conversation difficult. Only then.

Some time ago I was talking with my neighbor. She’s also single. We were talking about how hard it’s to get a good man. She said it was almost impossible in this town. Or anywhere else. No kidding! She told me that she goes out often but all the men…

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Sunday. There was a really bad thunderstorm last night around 4.15am that woke me up and didn’t let me sleep for two hours. Lightning every 5 seconds. The noise of the thunders and the rain on my window were too loud.
This morning my garden looks like a botanical massacre. I’m thankful there are not dead animals to be seen (or picked up and tossed behind the bushes).
I believe it was the perfect night to get the picture of a lightning bolt. As I was laying in bed I contemplated standing up and trying, since I read once that it was one of the most difficult things to do. And as you can imagine, that only made want to take a picture of one lightning bolt.
But then I though: “With my luck, the storm will stop as soon as a get up”. So I stayed in bed. And…

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Saturday. It’s late today. I’m thinking what I should do. All of me is saying: NOTHING, so I guess I’ll obey. I should mow the lawn because it’ll rain the next 6 days. I should probably do some laundry too. Or cleaning. But I think I’ll just stay here doing nothing and enjoying that I don’t feel guilty about it.
I planned to read the instructions of the pressure cooker that I bought last November but for some reason, I can’t pass the first paragraph. I feel a bit ashamed about it, specially because those are only 12 pages. But I get over it. (The shame, because I don’t see myself reading it today).

The strange thing about feeling this way is that I’m not bored. Mostly when I get near to this point, I get very creative and start doing stuff. Right now is amazing how I don’t give…

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Friday. I am so tired that it’s hard for me to type. Maybe you wonder how could I be tired if I’m not doing anything. True. I’m not doing anything and I still don’t feel guilty. Which is great.
The thing is, I’m anemic and I thought I could keep it under control but it seems that I’m not doing a good job. So instead of going to the doctor, I’ll increase my iron intake to 3 pills a day and I better feel good because I don’t want another needle in my arm any time soon.

Ritu at butismileanyway.wordpress.com challenged me for the 3 Quote Challenge and this is the last day. I had fun doing it, thank you Ritu.

Day 3

I chose this quote by a dear friend because it made me laugh.

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True, not true? I could write a lot about this subject.
Is the ego…

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Thursday. It’s raining and dark. Less than one week for the school to start again. Ugh… Six weeks are way too short. I’m enjoying waking up when the hours have two digits. I will miss that more than anything.

Yesterday I broke my record of countries visiting the blog in one day. Eleven!!

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I don’t count followers, views, likes or visitors, I like to count the flags. I wonder if people living in other parts of the planet can identify with what’s happening here, to me. I’m sure there must be some crazy single mom in Indonesia waiting for her prince too.
My kids are with their dad and the first thing I did was to send the screenshot with the flags to my second son. He has Instagram and a few followers so he’s kind of competing with me to see who gets more followers. He’s the only one…

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