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Originally posted on April 20, 2018 on Journey Into A.
It’s been a few weeks since my last post (part one) and honestly it’s because that one brought up a few things that rocked me a bit. It was also a post where more people read it from my Facebook page, meaning a lot of family or family friends read it, and seeing those numbers kind of freaked me out. This time, I’m just not going to look. It’s all memories that I’d like to get out of my head for my well-being and I can’t get anxious about those I know reading it.
Moving on, let’s dig up some more.
How about the relapses?
There were a few that I had witnessed. It was quick and rapidly terrifying. Most of the times were at a hotel where there would be a fully stocked mini fridge. Other times, she’d bolt to the local liquor store. Usually prompted by a fight between her and my old stepdad or otherwise it seemed to just happen out of the blue.
You knew before seeing her or smelling her. The energy of the “break” was always palpable. It was a certain kind of energy that I don’t wish to feel ever again. It was a downward shift mixed with shame, guilt, and a crazed excitement (for lack of a better word). It was disgusting and it clung to you and filled your whole body.
Then when you saw her, she was flighty, impulsive, and grasping desperately onto pretending everything was fine. I couldn’t hide my facial expressions so the moment she’d see my face, she always realized I’d known what happened and that I was scared. She then couldn’t hide so then she would try to pick fights with my old stepdad to make it seem like there were reasons within reality as to why she relapsed.
– This is only with alcohol, by the way. I couldn’t tell you much about the drugs because I wasn’t aware of them until much later. I also am only speaking about the times I was around. –
She’d tear around the room, spinning this wild energy around until I couldn’t breathe. There was nowhere to go and I had no clue what to do. I’d hang on the outskirts of the room and try my hardest to pretend I wasn’t there. I’d watch TV or listen to music. It helped a little, but never enough. When her attention would come to me, I’d pretend I hadn’t been listening or that I didn’t see what she’d just done and she would turn away again and I’d be invisible all over.
Read the last 211 words here.
Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 19, 2018.
First and foremost, I cannot stress enough that my ex had nothing to do with breaking me.
The breakup, however, did.
Let’s start with the beginning and get to where I broke….
I wasn’t happy for a while in my relationship, but thought for so long that it could work itself out or there would be some moment where it just fizzled easily apart. Obviously, neither of those options happened, but what did was a wake up call that I had never anticipated.
I was sitting at my work station on a Friday, just doing what I did everyday. Then, bam! Old Alex appeared in my mind. And she was mad. She’s the girl I had left behind almost 4 years prior, strong and independent, badass. She began listing all the things I had sacrificed and would sacrifice in the future. All of it was true.
Now, she wasn’t entirely mean, but she definitely woke me up. I’ll yell ya, she was definitely scolding me. I could see clearer then than I had for a very, very long time… and I was horrified. I couldn’t believe what I had done and who I had let go of. I had lost who I really was… and for what? Nothing. Nothing in the world was worth giving up that person.
On top of that, I had given up many facets of my life that gave me joy and was going to continue to accept less than what I deserved. So I had not only lost myself, but I had stopped doing things I loved doing and would continue to accept less in my future than what I had previously always wanted. It would be sacrifice after sacrifice made by me and only me (hint: he wasn’t doing any of the sacrifices).
So. Obviously we know what happens next.
I got terrified and absolutely panicked after I broke up with him the first time. Yes, it took two times. After the first time, I told him specific things that needed to change. He tried for a few days, but still it was just one or two things on the list (a list of things very, very easy to do, I wouldn’t ask someone to move mountains if I knew it were impossible). A few more weeks go by and I can’t take it anymore. Old Alex was still in my head keeping me on track. I tell him I had to go and stay with my friend, if you read part one of this series you’d know, he said he loved me out loud for the second time, and I left.
Less than a week goes by and I met with him in our apartment and I ended it. He just sat there and shrugged.
It was 100% the right thing to do and I don’t regret it for a second.
Here’s where I broke…
I had thought I was going to marry this person and have kids with this person and be with him forever and always.
Read the last 283 words here.
Originally posted on March 8, 2018 on Journey Into A.
The thing is, I tried to end it. I tried to end it TWICE just two weeks prior to you ending it, but you wouldn’t let me. You. wouldn’t. let. me. When you do something like that, not wanting them to end it, it gives a person hope. It makes them think that you’re not willing to let go and want to figure things out (which is also what you said, so that just confirms it).
The thing is, you decided to do it at the wrong time. For weeks, I was excited to go to that event and you decide, halfway through, that then’s the time to end things. You waited just long enough to see your friends. You knew a bunch of my friends were there and they were going on next. You didn’t think it would ruin my night?
Read the last 118 words here.
Originally posted on Feb. 24, 2018 on Journey Into A.
Here we are with the next bit to release…
This one stems from good ol’ Valentine’s Day. Basically Old Faithful for pain.
Valentine’s is one of those days that makes you think about what has happened on all the previous ones, or at least that’s what happens for me. I’ve been hurt on more Valentine’s Days than not. I’m half terrified of the day each year.
Let’s start small. A high school boyfriend avoided me on VD and then called me from Ruby’s Diner that night and invited me to Ruby’s all in the same breath as when he said that I couldn’t possibly make it there in time to order and eat before his mom would pick him up… Lame.
One guy I dated took me to see “He’s Just Not That Into You” and then we sat in his car for over an hour after just listening to Dane Cook. He just turned up the volume or didn’t respond when I’d try to talk. I left the next morning for a week to NY and there was no “I miss you” or anything. That blew.
One year, a boyfriend broke up with me on VD saying that he’d “rather smoke weed than be with [me]”. Now, I had no problems with him smoking weed, but he had told me that he wanted to quit smoking and then would lie and sneak behind my back. All I ever wanted was honesty. He’s also one that used to ridicule my short hair after he dumped me so there’s not much lost in that relationship, but that experience on VD sucked.
Read the last 179 words here.
Originally posted on Feb. 23, 2018 on Journey Into A.
I want someone to look at me the way you once did
I want their hands to brush aside the hair from covering my face like yours once did
I want their arms wrapped tightly around me like yours once did
I want their smile at me to exude and radiate like yours once did
I want to make them laugh like you once did
I want them to say sweet things like you once did
I want to dance happily together like we once did
I don’t want to feel this loneliness when I remember that I could’ve had what I once did
Originally posted on Journey Into A on Feb. 22, 2018.
Welcome back to my cleanse! Let’s get going on the next one…
I guess this one would have to be about dating.
During my long term relationship is when all those dating/swipe apps (don’t want to name names, but you can make your assumptions and know you’re right) came out. I came out into a whole new world that I had no idea how to navigate in… and still don’t. I had friends teaching me how to use the apps and telling me what I should do and say and none of it felt very good and obviously hasn’t worked out so far.
I’ve probably deleted and re-downloaded the app about 9 times in the last 3 years. I try it, I go on a few dates, feel like shit, and then I delete it again. It feels like what it was like dating right after graduating from high school- where no one cares about anyone else, but themselves and their desires. Why would I not just keep off it? Well, I’m not exactly comfortable going to a bar or something alone and trying to start up a conversation with a stranger and think that could possibly go well. I don’t want to give up.
Read the last 180 words here.
Originally posted on Journey Into A on Feb. 21, 2018.
Maybe something’s wrong here
Maybe something’s right
But I don’t have you
By my side
My heart is beating faster
My hands are cold as ice
I don’t know if my head will stop pounding
What happened last night
I feel the clouds approaching
Thunder will start roaring
Maybe I will get through it alright
I hear the train’s whistle blowing
Stray cats are moaning
Maybe I will get through this alright
Well you came knocking on my door
The look on your face
tells me so much more
Where did we go wrong here
Where did we go right
Maybe I will get through this alright
I hope y’all have had a great week and you are looking forward to a beautiful weekend! I have been a little absent for the past few days because I have been dealing with terrible headaches and pain. All these headaches and pain have caused me a lot of nausea and an inability to keep food down. This is the third day of these issues, but I am finally able to keep food down, well so far!
I think the most obnoxious question when I am suffering from a headache or pain is, “What do you think is causing this?” If I knew what was causing my headaches, I promise I would do anything to make them go away. The only thing I can say that helps my headaches is an ice pack and a dark quiet room. It sounds so crazy that I will use a heating pad for my back pain and an ice pack for my headaches, but it works for the most part. I know when people ask the question, “What do you think is causing this?”, they are trying to help and they mean well, but I am unfortunately never going to know what causes my headaches or pain, it is just the way things happen.
I do know that stress and weather can add to the headaches and pain. I do suffer from sinus issues, but I take sinus medicine for that, it just does not seem to work as well as I would like it to. As for weather, it has been all over the place lately! It is February for God sakes and in the 80’s which is causing trees and flowers to bloom adding to the sinus troubles. It seems like we completely skipped over winter this year and just went straight from fall to spring. There was a few weeks that could be considered winter, but it came and went so fast it was hardly noticed. I mean, my body does not adjust well to temperature changes so I did notice it some. During the few weeks that were considered winter temperatures were low in the 30’s, but as soon as I adjusted to those temperatures it spiked back to the 60’s. There were days with low temperatures and then the next day would be much higher. How in the world can anyone be expected to adjust to the weather when it is constantly changing?
This is a bad time for me to be going through all these headaches and additional pain because my poor husband is dealing with some terrible tooth pain. I can not expect for him to take care of me right now when he is suffering so horribly, but he has been doing a pretty good job! Despite the pain he is going through, he is constantly making sure I have everything I need to be comfortable. We work pretty well together because we both understand pain and headaches way too much!
I can only hope that my pain and headaches will start to ease up soon so I can actually function right! I have not been able to work for the past three days because of all this, which is causing me even more stress as they are all unpaid days! After resting for the past few days and having the weekend, maybe things will improve and be much better next week. This is just an issue some of us run into and it is so important to just keep trying and hoping for better days ahead!
I hope y’all have a great weekend and enjoy every moment of it! Y’all know I love to see your comments and I do always respond to them as quickly as I can! Remember to always try to stay positive in life because no matter what is going on, there will be good days ahead! Also, I did a guest blog for a fantastic person this week. If you have not already been able to visit Grace’s blog, please check it out because she is pretty fantastic and you will also be able to see the post I did for the newly diagnosed. Her site is, https://msgracefulnot.com/. Sending you lots of love and comfort!!
After some recent painful nights, I thought up the idea to create a series where I can release some of the things that continue to haunt me. I am trying to change myself, trying to be more positive, and change my way of thinking for the better. This is my way of cleansing myself and making way for beautiful change.
Let’s begin with one of the toughest ones.
I was in a relationship with someone for close to 4 years and he told me “I love you” out loud twice. There were times where I’d ask him to say it and he’d mumble it, but I rarely asked because it made me feel so pathetic even having to ask. The first time he said it on his own was when I tried to break up with him the first time (a month before actually ending it) and then the second time was right before I walked out the door for good.
His reasoning for not being able to say it was that his ex had “fucked with his mind for over a year”. At first, I understood that, but after we moved in together (after a year) and then more years stacked on to us being together, it felt more and more ridiculous and got more and more painful for me. I hate telling people about this whole thing because I still feel like an idiot. Who would put up with that?
I said it almost every day. Sometimes, I’d try to see how long I could go without saying it and I’d only last about 2 days. Why did I try not to say it? Because saying “I love you” to someone and NEVER getting an “I love you” back is so. fucking. painful. After a while, I felt embarrassed at myself each time I would say it.
Oh and we’re not talking about an agreed upon thing here. It’s not something that was ever okay with me and it was brought up many times. Some people have an understanding or whatever and that’s fine, but it’s not fine when it’s not agreed upon by both people.
Read the last 105 words here.
This morning was so incredibly foggy, I could not even see a few inches in front of me. There is something a little eerie when you wake up to a thick layer of fog outside your window. Driving to work in this massive fog was a little scary, only because not everyone drives with the right amount of caution. In additional to the towering fog, there was an intense threat of rain! Rain and dreary weather adds even more pain to what I have already been dealing with.
The weather has been so crazy lately! It was not too many weeks ago when it was cold and there were minor threats of snow, but honestly snow in the south are only an inch or so! Now, it has been rainy and highs in the 70’s. It sounds so insane to me for temperatures to be in the 70’s in February, but I am really not complaining at all. I just wish the rain would stop and allow the sun to shine through! We all could use the benefits of pure and natural Vitamin D!
I know that it is the changes in temperatures that has caused my pain to sky-rocket once again. I am doing my best to not allow it to get me down because I know there will be a day where my pain is a little more tolerable, it just is not today. I always try to remain hopeful for a better tomorrow though because I really do think it is important to hold onto positive thoughts. I mean, seriously what good will negative thoughts really provide in the big picture?
Life is a struggle, but it is how we choose to cope with the issues that can make a huge difference in the outcome overall! No matter how much pain I am in or how hard it is for me to make it through the day, I do know that things could always be so much worse. It almost feels that life is like a game of cards. You will some days get dealt a great hand that is just easy to play, but other days the cards we are dealt are all horrible and hard to continue to play the game. The most important thing is to never fold because what you are holding in your hand may turn into something wonderful on another day! I use these analogy because it seems to fit, but the funny thing is I do not even play cards!
I hope y’all had a great day and you are feeling well! I appreciate you taking the time to visit my site today and of course leaving me some great comments! I will respond to all of your comments as quickly as I possibly can! Oh and before I forget, I am SO excited because I am doing a guest blog tomorrow for one of my fabulous fellow bloggers. If you have not already seen Grace’s blog, her site is https://msgracefulnot.com/, she is truly amazing! I really do feel honored that she would want me to make a guest appearance on her blog! Sending y’all lots of love and comfort, always!