It’s been years since I gave Survivor’s Blog Here a facelift and today started looking around at options. Does this theme work for how you like the post to pop out on the front page. What is missing?
I want to hear your feedback not only about the theme but what you would like to see more of from Survivor’s Blog Here. I want the good, bad, and the ugly.
The COVID 19 virus has affected several of our contributors, I’m sure you’ve noticed less blogging in general. This to shall pass and I’m committed to making Survivor’s Blog Here a safe space for everyone to talk about their trauma, chronic illnesses, mental health, and recovery.
As we move into our seventh year I’m excited about the future, committed to growing the community, and getting you involved in shaping our growth. We would not be here without you, your stories, and your feedback.
Please take a minute to let me know your thoughts. I look forward to reading your comments and making changes as we grow together.
What is survivor’s guilt? Google dictionary describes it this way:
A condition of persistent mental and emotional stress experienced by someone who has survived an incident in which others died. For example, “He escaped with his life but suffered from survivor’s guilt.”
This is the definition most people think of as “survivor’s guilt.” But mental health professionals and therapists know that this concept applies far more widely than this description would suggest. Because we see survivor’s guilt in our offices every single day, but it’s a slightly different type.
Therapists’ definition of survivor’s guilt: The guilt people often experience as they make healthy choices and take steps to heal themselves emotionally, as each step takes them farther away from the dysfunctional people in their lives.
For many hard-working, well-meaning folks, there is no way around it: in order to heal yourself, you must leave someone behind.
Healing from abuse, trauma, or childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is accomplished by taking a series of small steps. As you make healthy changes in yourself and your life, each of these small steps take you somewhere. You are literally moving forward.
Subtle shifts in your perspective on what happened to you, the sharing of your experience with another person, or the validation of your feelings; as you take these steps, bit by bit, you change.
As you change yourself, you are, in an important way, saving yourself. You may be pulling yourself out of a deep hole that you have shared with some important family or long-time friends. You may be taking steps out of an addiction or a depression or a dysfunctional social system.
Whichever it is, you will probably not be able to save everyone (more on that later in this blog). At some point, you may face a fateful choice. Do I save myself? Is it wrong to do so? What about the people I have shared dysfunction with all these years?
This is the petri dish in which your survivor’s guilt is born.
There are no words for feelings in my family and I have always been astonished when I read what you say about the role of parents in educating children as to emotions–that they’re valid, they have names, they’re normal and they can be appropriately managed without making kids feel bad about themselves.
To this day, bringing up anything emotional–and after all the self-work I’ve done, I’ve gotten bolder and more forthcoming about my feelings–is like shouting at a wall. “There’s no there there.”
My parents have zero words for emotions. No response capability. This stuff does not exist. And at last I am seeing how it has made me feel: nowadays, pretty darn frustrated! (In childhood, just plain awful.) Learning about CEN and working on it is like finally emerging from the edge of the dark woods and seeing the sun at last, and realizing my entire family is deep in the woods, still. Do I step out, without them? that’s the choice I feel, and it’s painful either way.”
This reader describes what many people feel. And it illustrates, in some very important ways, what an unfair situation survivor’s guilt is. When you have the courage to face your pain and the fortitude to take steps to save yourself, you truly have nothing to feel guilty about.
Is it hard to leave people suffering as you gain perspective, make better choices, and feel stronger? Yes. Should you try to pull your people forward with you? You can try. Will it work? In some cases, it may. But here’s the key question.
Is it your responsibility to pull your people forward with you? Unless they are your dependent children, the answer is NO. It is not.
Why It’s Not Your Responsibility to Save Friends or Family
This will be a very short section because the answer is very simple. It is a straightforward truth that can nevertheless take a lifetime to learn. It is this:
You cannot save another person. You can give them a boost, but ultimately, they must save themselves.
In reality, the best way to bring another person along is to give them the information they may need to have in order to take the steps themselves. Then, save yourself. In doing so, you provide them a role model, and an example of what courage, strength, and healing look like. You show them what they can do if they so choose. You make yourself available for support if they decide to follow.
There. Your job is done. Keep taking steps. Keep making yourself happier, healthier, and stronger. Fight back that survivor’s guilt.
Comments From Brave People Who Saved Themselves, Unedited
I am having to (and had to) let several relationships go including family (not so easy) and friends (not so easy when you still have other friends (who are worth keeping) in common. Like Shakespeare said, “to thine own self be true.” I would rather not have family or friends if they are toxic and not good for me. What is wonderful is being able to tell the difference and developing the feeling of indifference over past relationships (or even ongoing) that are not worthy of me. At any rate, all worth it.
As I became more determined to heal from childhood emotional neglect, I learned that telling the truth was essential. To my surprise and grief, telling the truth has cost me virtually all my friendships. It finally struck me that all of my friendships had grown out of my dysfunction. As I gained a clearer picture of myself, CEN, and dysfunctional coping strategies, I realized all of my “friends” were severely disturbed individuals (“misery loves company”). I was the only one facing the challenge of finding healthy ways of relating. Sick people run from healthy behaviors. When we turn and face the truth, and begin to choose different behaviors, our relationships begin to look very different too. I see this as evolution but it’s hard to let go of old ways and old relationships that keep you from functioning. I now have several solid friendships that feel very, very different from the old ones. I’m trying to get used to it!
To find many more resources about Childhood Emotional Neglect, see the author’s Bio below this article.34745
Jonice Webb PhD
Jonice Webb, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist who is recognized worldwide for her groundbreaking work in defining, describing, and calling attention to Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). She writes, speaks, and trains therapists on the topic, and is the bestselling author of two books, Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running On Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships. She also created and runs the Fuel Up For Life Online CEN Recovery Program. Since CEN can be difficult to see and remember, Dr. Webb created the CEN Questionnaire and other free resources to help you figure out if you have it. Take the CEN Questionnaire and learn much more about CEN, how it happens, and how to heal it at her website EmotionalNeglect.com.
Dear Friends, With the launch of our new website, MaleSurvivor received several qualified and enthusiastic inquiries about serving on the Board of Directors. We are thrilled to introduce you to four new members:
Facebook fundraising has made it easier than ever to support MaleSurvivor Facebook users have already raised more than $1,100 for MaleSurvivor. It is simple for you, too, to become the next!Remember, our upgraded website offers exciting new features:·
An events calendar spotlighting a variety of upcoming programs
An updated therapist directory searchable by location · Much more! Visit malesurvivor.org to see for yourself
Create a series of webinars for professionals and survivors
Reinstitute a major international conference for survivors and professionals
Bringing people together to share stories and strategies for healing is powerfully validating and healing
We’re aiming for New York City in late 2020 or early 2021
As always, even though a lot is going on at MaleSurvivor, we always have time for you – you’re the reason we do what we do. If you have questions or ideas, please reach out! Contact us here: email@example.com. Otherwise, we’ll talk to you again next month! Murray SchanePresident, Board of Directors
You can also mail your donation to: MaleSurvivorPO Box 276 Long Valley, NJ 07853
With this one, I want to be clear that these are actual secrets. They’re things from my childhood that I witnessed that I never told anyone about. Not my dad, not my therapist, no one. If I had told them about it, it was years and years later when nothing could come out of it.
I was extremely protective of my mother and knew if I told anyone these things, they’d take me away from her. I was terrified of that. I thought it was the right thing to do. If I had spoken up sooner, maybe I would’ve been able to save myself from the things that pop into my mind now before I go to sleep (that’s mostly because I’ve been releasing things that used to keep me from falling asleep – look up my things that broke me series), but at the same time, I wouldn’t have known I was saving myself from anything at all and instead I would’ve most likely been resentful that I was taken away from my mother.
If I’d spoken up sooner, who knows who I would be. I seriously doubt I’d be the strong person I became through those experiences. I try not to wonder about those things. The point is, these experiences shaped a lot of my life and the decisions I made.
Tonight I am going to my 40th high school reunion. I am taking two intents: Celebrate and Curiosity.
On the surface we’ll be celebrating the length of our lives. I will also be celebrating survival. Survival is so much more than getting through the abusive acts. Survival to me is carving out a life with the ramifications deep inside of you.
I am going tonight to see people I never got to know. Some from my kindergarten class maybe there tonight. They may even have seen my assault. As we got older our class merged with others and grew. The first day of high school was only a few weeks after I was molested. I walked into that strange school a shadow hiding in darkness. I could rarely bring myself to be seen, let alone make friends. At the end of the year I was raped. It catapulted my alienation to a new level. Tonight I hope to get to know some and hear their stories.
The trauma of my abuse doesn’t control me anymore. I can breathe and be. Tonight I am taking the man I know I am, curious, friendly and kind out to meet his classmates. My classmates.
I’m so glad I didn’t end it when I became paralyzed 3 years ago! I was really, really close to doing just that…. 😳 but I stuck it out and I am so thankful that I did! I realized I can still do everything I used to be able to do, I just have to figure out a different way to do it.
I started a business to help me financially if anybody likes beef jerky it would sure help me out if you could go to my website and buy a bag my website is jerkybiz.org
Share your thoughts with Senator John Cornyn at http://cornyn.senate.gov/. Contact him whether you live in Texas or not. He is a Senior lawmaker and serves the lead on several committees.
THE LONESTAR WEEKLY
This week we mourn the victims of the horrific terrorist attack in Orlando and their families and friends, and express our appreciation for the first responders who bravely responded to this tragedy. As a country, we now must come to terms with the reality we face: the attack in Orlando was not a random act of violence, but a calculated act of terror. And, the risks of future attacks on American soil are rising, not falling.
It’s not enough to just stop terrorists from buying guns; we must give law enforcement the tools they need to thwart an attack before it happens and take those suspects off the streets. Too often, the FBI and other law enforcement officers…
I’m sick to my stomach after reading how Brock Turner serves only six months in jail for Raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. If you think raping is okay, you need help. The Judge is accountable for the low jail sentence. Rape is Rape. Xx M
The Stanford Survivor Has a Name. It’s “My Hero.”
JUNE 10, 2016 | BY MAILE ZAMBUTO |
FILED UNDER JHF BLOG > OUR ISSUES SEXUAL ASSAULT IN OUR WORDS FROM THE CEO
I first learned about Brock Allen Turner’s sentence for sexually assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster on the Stanford University campus at the time everyone else did: last weekend. As the coverage was unfolding, I was with Mariska, members of our Joyful Heart Foundation staff and volunteers filming a local series of our NO MORE PSAs for Hawai‘i Says NO MORE.
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach…and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
Henry David Thoreau
I don’t know, don’t really care
Half of my life, I spent doin’ time for some other fucker’s crime,
Daddy made whiskey and he made it well
Let your life proceed by its own design.
Gone are the broken eyes we saw through in dreams gone.
Both dream and lie
The earth will see you on through this time
strangers stopping strangers, just to shake their hand
I dedicate this post to the chronically ill, newly diagnosed and their caregivers. You are the Survivors.
It took three painful years to learn I had Chronic Lyme Disease. I’ve had bumps over the years, nothing like Lyme. I’m totally dependent on my husband. Every week he takes countless hours off work. There’s IV Therapy before and after work. Day to-day monitoring the catheter with weekly bandage changes. Out of state doctor appointments once a month, insure medicines are taken properly, on time and everything you can think of.
I didn’t know what life would teach me. Boy have I learned and want to share with you. The ongoing guilt is a challenge for me.Guilt for not getting out of bed, doing laundry, on and on.
I had no concept of how humiliating daily life can get. I march on. At 52, I wear Kotex for daily spills. The agony of not taking extra Kotex…
We arrived home late afternoon yesterday and the drive wasn’t quite as bad Hooray for that!Well driving we reflected on our weekend e cried listened to music ,it was hard all in all watching my sister in laws husband battle cancer its slowly popping up in all places and breathing is compressed by his tumor in the lungs that one can hear him breath miles away with much difficulty ..well we were there my in laws phoned they booked there tickets they arrive 20 July with there sister who we haven’t seen in more than 10 years ..excited to see the three monkey to they all under ten and one aged 3 .
So we booked our tickets well at his sister to fly well his parents are here to new Plymouth this is massive for me,but we all excited .This week is huge my mom went in for a third op related to her broken femur and hip replacement last night in south Africa its hard to try encourage when she battles to .And today my sister will find out whether she has cancer in the lymph nobs as well ,one weeks ago they removed a tumor in the breast and then sent away for extensive testing today she finds out the results .Hubby i must say is very understanding of the emotions right now.
I took my usual meds the whole weekend to satisfy hubby but last night left them and this morning well hubby was searching for his medicine he came across my stock pile and woke me at 5 am with holly crap theirs about three months here for you how fucking long have you not taken Groan its only 4 weeks not thee months relax …i cant do this im only trying to please others and that hard enough ..I NEED TO KEEP REMINDING ME ITS ABOUT ME AND ME ONLY.
This mornings side effects of starting and stopping meds is one hell of a headache its throbbing,but too a feeling of been isolated from the world i look out side and dream to walk patches by our sea side but the gripping fear some how arises and home i wish to stay rather were its safe ,quite ,and no one can touch me.
Monday. I’m restless today. I really dislike this feeling. My stomach hurts and there is nothing I can do.
I need to get some paperwork done but I’m still waiting on two different persons to get me the forms. I think I missed the deadline for one of the things I had to do and if I did, I’m not sure what I’ll have to do next. Nobody is answering my emails. I feel really discouraged today.
It’s really hard for me to concentrate in anything when I feel this way. I wish I could go to my happy place. Or anywhere I feel safe. I need a hug or a shake. I need someone telling me again that everything is going to be alright now.
I need to hear Bon Jovi’s song “In These Arms”. That always makes me smile. Specially this part.
Brock Allen Turner, the former Stanford swimmer who was discovered raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster on campus in January of last year, will be sentenced to six months in county jail and probation. Prosecutors had recommended that Turner receive a sentence of six years, but judge Aaron Persky determined that Turner’s age — 20 — and lack of criminal history warranted him a much shorter sentence. And because jail would have a “severe impact on him.”
On Wednesday morning, two cops were seen arriving at the family’s suburban Cincinnati townhouse to pick up the boy’s mother Michelle Gregg, who was taken to a police station for one and a half hours of questioning. Later that day, the entire family loaded…
Sunday. A couple of weeks after I moved here (almost two years ago), I went to the supermarket and saw a really cute man. I kept checking him out and smiling at him. Then he paid for his groceries and left.
When I got home I told a friend what happened. I said something like this: “I can’t believe it! There is one cute man in this town and he wasn’t wearing a ring!”
He got pretty excited and asked me all about this man. I said I had just only seen him and never talked to him but I really wish I could see him again.
My friend advised to go the following week at the same time to the supermarket and see if he was there. The following week it rained terribly and I didn’t wish to go to the supermarket so I never knew what could have…
Saturday. It’s so late today and I’m so exhausted that this will probably my shortest post ever.
The good news is that I got a lot of things done. The bad news is that I’m ready for bed and it’s not even 6pm.
I decided to finish things that I had on hold since forever and it was amazing how not one of the things went straight or smooth.
I hope what they say about difficult roads often leading to beautiful destinations, it’s true. Today I need to feel that my efforts were worthwhile.
I remember when I’ve been in the throws of my Specter, and consumed with such hopelessness and misery I believed no one else endured. That depression demon who is currently being held at bay in his cage of Lexapro and Abilify, but can attack at random times with a sucker punch to the kidney, leaving me without the breath for life. It’s at those times that one person can change your life. They are there. You just have to find them, reach out to them, and hold onto them. They will be there. You mean the world to them.
If you’re wearing the other pair of shoes and know of someone who needs to be reached out to. Use this post as an excuse to do so. You may save someone’s life.
Friday. This morning I woke up to great news. The weather forecast says: “Three sunny days coming up!”. And it freaking better be true because when I’m feeling hopeful, I hate to change my mood.
Right now I’m waiting for the couple of hours with sun to see if I can finish mowing. I tried yesterday but I was surprised by a terrible storm that flooded my bathroom again. I can’t keep the windows closed all the time, I already feel suffocated for many other reasons, I need some fresh air.
Last night, just before going to sleep, I read an article: “8 Signs You’ve Met Your Soulmate and Not Just a ‘Life Partner”. I needed to read it. Actually, I always need to read all those kind of articles to see if I can relate. One of these days I will write about: “How you should be/act/dress/decorate your house/and…
Thursday. Denial: disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
I got the concept.
I wonder if I live in denial. If I’m an eternal dreamer. If I refuse to think that some people are just plain liars. Maybe I’m too optimistic. Or maybe I’m just too dumb.
Because more or less that’s what I think when someone denies something. I may say: “Of course, anything can happen” but in my head I’m saying: “No way in hell”. But that only happens when that something is not related to me. I can be realistic about anyone else’s life but apparently, when it comes to my life and my things, I’m pretty good at denying.
The truth is that there are some things I cannot believe because I hope and have faith that the outcome will be the way I want it. Because I know there is a chance and…
Wednesday. I woke up this morning feeling it was Thursday. I even wrote Thursday and I had to cancel it. I think my subconscious wants this day to be over soon. But it’ll have to wait because the day is still pretty new.
The landlord came yesterday and I showed him the attic. While we were going upstairs he said: “Are you sure they are not mice?” Those are the kind of things that cause my heart to skip a beat. I said: “I know mouse poop and this one is different”.
Then he saw the evidence and said: “You have a marten. Do you know what they are?”. I know what they are and I was completely surprised/shocked with my answer: “What can I do to get rid of it? Close all the holes? Put some poison?”. Poison?? Really?? Holy f#$k. I can’t kill a mosquito and I was…
The reason I’ve decided to revive this post is because a friend from Flickr informs me that a pathological narcissist is posting to the streams of people I don’t know on Flickr that I’ve accused her of trolling my art group.
That’s not correct.
I’ve accused her of stealing my art group.
When you keep things that don’t belong to you it’s stealing.
When you lie about people it’s called slander.
And when you feel entitled to hurt people for your own sadistic
amusement you are probably a malignant narcissist.
In October of last year this woman claimed on an unrelated topic posted to The Neighborhood that she was the Narcissist I was writing about on my blog.
I am not sure what to think of a woman who identifies herself on the blog of someone she doesn’t know as one of two unnamed women I described as malignant narcissists
Tuesday. I slept really bad and I woke up to one of the worst nightmares I had in my life. I’m still shook and I think it will last until I can see that everything is fine and that it was only a bad dream.
Yesterday evening there was a really bad storm here. All the rain we didn’t get in one month, we got it at once.
I had left the bathroom window a tiny bit open and when I went upstairs to take a shower, I discovered that the bathroom was flooded.
I couldn’t believe that so much water could go in through such a small hole. I thought that probably there was also some fissure or something. I dried everything and waited a bit to see what happened. Apparently, all the water got in through the window small opening. Then I thought that it would be smart…
Hello and Happy Memorial Day. One thing I love aside from taking pictures at the beach, is taking pictures of train tracks. They entrance and mystify me somehow. I wanted to share them with you. Please feel free to use them and kindly link back to this blog so I can see how you incorporated them into your work.
Enjoy and thank you all for your support and readership!
Monday. I woke up in the middle of the night with an idea of what I wanted to write today. It was very clear in my head. Then I fell asleep again and when I got up this morning, I realized I couldn’t remember it anymore.
For a moment I experienced the kind of panic I had every time I had to take an exam. “What if I can’t remember anything?”. The truth is that that never happened. I mostly remembered everything I knew and sometimes, I even remembered things that were said during the lessons… And that was amazing because I mostly felt like I was there only in body and not in spirit.
Right now, I feel I’m blank.
So I’ll improvise. I have to fill the paper or I won’t pass this exam.
A couple of days ago, I posted a poem. The first verse went like…
Sunday. What a slow day! I really wish I could go back to bed. My kids are expecting me to entertain them and I don’t really want to do anything. I want to stay quiet on the couch. I’d like to daydream but there is too much noise around and I can’t hear my own thoughts.
A couple of days ago while I was looking for some images online, I found a few screenshots of chats showing some miscommunications.
I’m sure all of you are familiar with this.
For example when you mean to send a message to someone and by mistake you send it to someone else, or when the ducking autocorrect decides to change the words you typed, or when you send a message to somebody but someone else read it first. I think I have experience in all the categories. You have no idea how many times…
Yellow Wolf Enlightenment nominated me for The Sunshine Blogger Award. I do apologize for the long delay in posting award.Today is a great day to visit her site if haven’t. Her site is a Spiritual journey to inspire. Instantly you’re at peace, http://www.yellowwolfenlightentment.com.
I am grateful she thought my site worthy of The Sunshine Blogger Award.
Many of you know I have Chronic Lyme, I pray you never know first hand. My memory last 5-15 minutes and pain leaves me in bed under pain medication. I am not able to reciprocate by writing questions and nominate awesome Bloggers. Xx M
The Sunshine Blogger Award Rules Are:
Thank the person who nominated you. Display award on your site. Answer the 11 questions from your nominator and give nominees eleven questions to answer.
What drew you to blogging?
Write my frustrations down instead of keeping inside.
A couple months ago I published a blog post called “Brok3n & Betray3d”. It was about how my girlfriend told me she cheated on me and how that affected my emotional state over the next few days.
It is not there anymore because I took it down.
I believe it was published “wrongly”. Or at least before I knew the whole story.
I am here today to ask for a chance to rectify that event.
* * *
After the situation had passed and things were cleared up, we got back together for a short while only to fall apart again. Not because she told me she cheated on me. Just because that is how life goes.
After we talked about the situation, she informed me of the details that I wish I had known prior to my posting what I did, and reacting the way I did. I wish I had handled things more calmly. More maturely.
We were apart for the day. I had my daughter for the weekend and she had gone to our local St. Patrick’s Day parade. During that time, she had gone to the bar where the parade ended. Her ex-boyfriend was there and he kissed her. She didn’t return the advance and ended up pushing him away and told him to stop. Another girl who was there kissed her and she did the same thing.
I believe her.
She said she felt like she cheated on me because she was out without me.
I believe her.
As a result of my actions, she was shunned by those closest to us, both offline and in real life. For this I am dreadfully sorry. I cannot imagine being in her place.
Saturday. Dull day. There isn’t much I can do when my kids are here and when the weather is not nice. That truly sucks because doing nothing outdoors is much better than doing nothing in the living room with the freaking TV on. I really hope the conditions improve this summer or I’ll be plucking my hair. Every time I hear: “Mom, I’m bored”, I feel my heartbeat accelerating its pace. I can’t really deal with that so well. I can’t please all my kids at the same time and if I try to do it one by one, I get problems with the other four.
Yesterday evening I got not so pleasant news and that left me in a somber state. I really don’t like it. I hate to be remembering myself that I can do this and that this too, shall pass. It’s tiring.
We’re thrilled to receive The Versatile Blogger Award from HerdingChickens. If you have not stopped by http://www.herdingchickens.wordpress.com, today is a great day to start. Her personality shines through her writing. Her and husband have adopted two children. She shares the successes and struggle of Adoption. She’s a generous person.
Writing is my therapy. It heals my soul and makes me feel less lonely
I’d love to understand why I spend the whole week waiting for the Friday and the entire year waiting for the spring.
I think a snake will bite me every time I enter the garage.
I don’t read instructions
I’m a chocolate addict
A Hawk family returns every year to lounge in our bird bath. I’ve named every generation, Hawke I love the wildlife in our neighborhood.