What Do you Think of Our New Theme?

 

                                                                                                                                                    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It’s been years since I gave Survivor’s Blog Here a facelift and today started looking around at options. Does this theme work for how you like the post to pop out on the front page. What is missing?

I want to hear your feedback not only about the theme but what you would like to see more of from Survivor’s Blog Here. I want the good, bad, and the ugly.

The COVID 19 virus has affected several of our contributors, I’m sure you’ve noticed less blogging in general. This to shall pass and I’m committed to making Survivor’s Blog Here a safe space for everyone to talk about their trauma, chronic illnesses, mental health, and recovery.

As we move into our seventh year I’m excited about the future, committed to growing the community, and getting you involved in shaping our growth. We would not be here without you, your stories, and your feedback.

Please take a minute to let me know your thoughts. I look forward to reading your comments and making changes as we grow together. 

Melinda and Team

Male Survivor October Newsletter


Dear Friends,  With the launch of our new website, MaleSurvivor received several qualified and enthusiastic inquiries about serving on the Board of Directors. We are thrilled to introduce you to four new members:

  • Tim Kearns
  • Dennis Tyson
  • Brian Satterfield
  • John Shulanksy

Facebook fundraising has made it easier than ever to support MaleSurvivor
Facebook users have already raised more than $1,100 for MaleSurvivor. It is simple for you, too, to become the next!Remember, our upgraded website offers exciting new features:· 

  • An events calendar spotlighting a variety of upcoming programs
  • An updated therapist directory searchable by location · Much more! Visit malesurvivor.org to see for yourself

Other exciting MaleSurvivor news·

  • If you’re interested in becoming a board member or know someone who might be a good candidate, email murrayschane@malesurvivor.org
  • We’re continuing to make big plans:
    • Reformat our Dare to Dream program
    • Create a series of webinars for professionals and survivors
    • Reinstitute a major international conference for survivors and professionals
      • Bringing people together to share stories and strategies for healing is powerfully validating and healing
      • We’re aiming for New York City in late 2020 or early 2021

As always, even though a lot is going on at MaleSurvivor, we always have time for you – you’re the reason we do what we do. If you have questions or ideas, please reach out! Contact us here: ryan.newberry@malesurvivor.org. Otherwise, we’ll talk to you again next month!
Murray SchanePresident, Board of Directors

You can also mail your donation to:
MaleSurvivorPO Box 276
Long Valley, NJ 07853

Secrets – A Foreword

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 24, 2018.

Time for another series.

With this one, I want to be clear that these are actual secrets. They’re things from my childhood that I witnessed that I never told anyone about. Not my dad, not my therapist, no one. If I had told them about it, it was years and years later when nothing could come out of it.

I was extremely protective of my mother and knew if I told anyone these things, they’d take me away from her. I was terrified of that. I thought it was the right thing to do. If I had spoken up sooner, maybe I would’ve been able to save myself from the things that pop into my mind now before I go to sleep (that’s mostly because I’ve been releasing things that used to keep me from falling asleep – look up my things that broke me series), but at the same time, I wouldn’t have known I was saving myself from anything at all and instead I would’ve most likely been resentful that I was taken away from my mother.

If I’d spoken up sooner, who knows who I would be. I seriously doubt I’d be the strong person I became through those experiences. I try not to wonder about those things. The point is, these experiences shaped a lot of my life and the decisions I made.

Read the last 79 words here.

Celebrating Surviving & Thriving

Tonight I am going to my 40th high school reunion. I am taking two intents: Celebrate and Curiosity.

On the surface we’ll be celebrating the length of our lives. I will also be celebrating survival. Survival is so much more than getting through the abusive acts. Survival to me is carving out a life with the ramifications deep inside of you.

I am going tonight to see people I never got to know. Some from my kindergarten class maybe there tonight. They may even have seen my assault. As we got older our class merged with others and grew. The first day of high school was only a few weeks after I was molested. I walked into that strange school a shadow hiding in darkness. I could rarely bring myself to be seen, let alone make friends. At the end of the year I was raped. It catapulted my alienation to a new level. Tonight I hope to get to know some and hear their stories.

The trauma of my abuse doesn’t control me anymore. I can breathe and be. Tonight I am taking the man I know I am, curious, friendly and kind out to meet his classmates. My classmates.

VideoSince I Was Paralyzed Three Years Ago! 😎🤘🏻

   I Love My Life

I’m so glad I didn’t end it when I became paralyzed 3 years ago! I was really, really close to doing just that…. 😳 but I stuck it out and I am so thankful that I did! I realized I can still do everything I used to be able to do, I just have to figure out a different way to do it.

I started a business to help me financially if anybody likes beef jerky it would sure help me out if you could go to my website and buy a bag my website is jerkybiz.org

 

😎

#NeverGiveUp

Click This Link To See The First Steps I’ve Takin Since I Was Paralyzed 3 Years Ago! 

Victimhood

There is something that has become very clear to me, and I’m actually extremely grateful for the acceptance and awareness of this very big issue I face on a daily basis.

It’s taken a very long time to understand the reality of a positive victim-identity/diagnosis.

When I had my breakdown in 1999 I became aware of my attraction to people who were extremely narcissistic.

After that I read all the John Bradshaw books, and was successfully able to identify the ‘family role’ of scapegoat that had been assigned to me at an early age.

Then after repeated experiences of victimisation….I came to a clearer understanding of myself.

I think what has also been helpful is having a friend whom also has victimhood as part of his existence.

This friend had been abused by his mother, and that had brought on the victimhood…

He would tell me of so many instances of being treated badly in the present. Even where he was living, he had his life threatened. Scary, but was an everyday event for him.

Finding another person who experienced the similar experiences I had was profound, because I thought I was the only one.

‘Only one’ in the sense of being the only male.

The last and most recent therapy I’d been having also affirmed my victimhood. This was also excellent to have a therapist who also ‘got’ me.

So where am I today? 

Acceptance, Acceptance, Acceptance…

It not about to change, so I need to learn to live with it, and somehow outgrow it.

sedge808.

Strange Dream #09

Art by Rob Goldstein

Reprocessed Public Domain Publicity Shot 

I am born in the slums of a jungle;

It is hot and I am always thirsty.

I drink water from the fountain

marked Colored.

It has magic that quenches

my thirst.

My neighbors say

the fountain is

diseased

But that was before

then became now.

At 3 AM

the sophisticates

of the jungle

jabber and howl.

“Who do you love most,” asks God.

“Jayne Mansfield,” says Max.

“And why is that?” God is cleverly
all-knowing.

“She’s dead.” Max replies.


RG

Save

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Flickr Wednesday: Kathryn Louise

Art by Rob Goldstein

This weeks Flickr showcase re-blog is Kathryn Louise.

The quote is from her Flickr profile:

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach…and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

Henry David Thoreau

I don’t know, don’t really care

Half of my life, I spent doin’ time for some other fucker’s crime,

Daddy made whiskey and he made it well

Let your life proceed by its own design.

Gone are the broken eyes we saw through in dreams gone.
Both dream and lie

The earth will see you on through this time

strangers stopping strangers, just to shake their hand

And it looks like the old man’s gettin’ on.

I got no dime but I got some time to hear his…

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Heroes of the Revolution: Sylvester

Art by Rob Goldstein

Art by Rob Goldstein Sylvester

Sylvester James, Jr. (September 6, 1947 – December 16, 1988), was the first openly gay recording artist to gain international fame.

His first hit, Disco Heat, peaked at #19 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in the fall of 1978.

It also reached #29 on the UK Singles Chart.

Sylvester was born in Watts, Los Angeles, to a middle-class family.

He first sang as a child with the gospel choir of his Pentecostal church.

Sylvester knew that he was gay while still a child.

At the age of eight Sylvester had sex with an older man.

His Mother could not accept his homosexuality and neither could his church.

He left the church because the congregation disapproved of his homosexuality and he found friendship among a group of cross-dressers and transgender women who called themselves The Disquotays.

He moved to San Francisco in 1970 at the age…

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Dreams of a better days

We arrived home late afternoon yesterday and the drive wasn’t quite as bad Hooray for that!Well driving we reflected on our weekend e cried listened to music ,it was hard all in all watching my sister in laws husband battle cancer its slowly popping up in all places and breathing is compressed by his tumor in the lungs that one can hear him breath miles away with much difficulty ..well we were there my in laws phoned they booked there tickets they arrive 20 July with there sister who we haven’t seen in more than 10 years ..excited to see the three monkey to they all under ten and one aged 3 .

So we booked our tickets well at his sister to fly well his parents are here to new Plymouth this is massive for me,but we all excited .This week is huge my mom went in for a third op related to her broken femur and hip replacement last night in south Africa  its hard to try encourage when she battles to .And today my sister will find out whether she has cancer in the lymph nobs as well ,one weeks ago they removed a tumor in the breast and then sent away for extensive testing today she finds out the results .Hubby i must say is very understanding of the emotions right now.

I took my usual meds the whole weekend to satisfy hubby but last night left them and this morning well hubby was searching for his medicine he came across my stock pile and woke me at 5 am with holly crap theirs about three months here for you how fucking long have you not taken Groan its only 4 weeks not thee months relax …i cant do this im only trying to please others and that hard enough ..I NEED TO KEEP REMINDING ME ITS ABOUT ME AND ME ONLY.

This mornings side effects of starting and stopping meds  is one hell of a headache its throbbing,but too a feeling of been isolated from the world i look out side and dream to walk patches by our sea side but the gripping fear some how arises and home i wish to stay rather were its safe ,quite ,and no one can touch me.

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Monday. I’m restless today. I really dislike this feeling. My stomach hurts and there is nothing I can do.
I need to get some paperwork done but I’m still waiting on two different persons to get me the forms. I think I missed the deadline for one of the things I had to do and if I did, I’m not sure what I’ll have to do next. Nobody is answering my emails. I feel really discouraged today.

It’s really hard for me to concentrate in anything when I feel this way. I wish I could go to my happy place. Or anywhere I feel safe. I need a hug or a shake. I need someone telling me again that everything is going to be alright now.
I need to hear Bon Jovi’s song “In These Arms”. That always makes me smile. Specially this part.

I’d hold you, I’d need you

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We With The Pitchforks from Abandoning Pretense

Art by Rob Goldstein

Art by Rob Goldstein Brock Allen Turner

This is an outrageous injustice:

Brock Allen Turner, the former Stanford swimmer who was discovered raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster on campus in January of last year, will be sentenced to six months in county jail and probation. Prosecutors had recommended that Turner receive a sentence of six years, but judge Aaron Persky determined that Turner’s age — 20 — and lack of criminal history warranted him a much shorter sentence. And because jail would have a “severe impact on him.”

New York Mag

What if Brock Allen Turner had been a black woman whose child fell into a gorilla cage?

On Wednesday morning, two cops were seen arriving at the family’s suburban Cincinnati townhouse to pick up the boy’s mother Michelle Gregg, who was taken to a police station for one and a half hours of questioning. Later that day, the entire family loaded…

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Sunday. A couple of weeks after I moved here (almost two years ago), I went to the supermarket and saw a really cute man. I kept checking him out and smiling at him. Then he paid for his groceries and left.
When I got home I told a friend what happened. I said something like this: “I can’t believe it! There is one cute man in this town and he wasn’t wearing a ring!”
He got pretty excited and asked me all about this man. I said I had just only seen him and never talked to him but I really wish I could see him again.
My friend advised to go the following week at the same time to the supermarket and see if he was there.
The following week it rained terribly and I didn’t wish to go to the supermarket so I never knew what could have…

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Saturday. It’s so late today and I’m so exhausted that this will probably my shortest post ever.
The good news is that I got a lot of things done. The bad news is that I’m ready for bed and it’s not even 6pm.
I decided to finish things that I had on hold since forever and it was amazing how not one of the things went straight or smooth.
Unbelievable.

I hope what they say about difficult roads often leading to beautiful destinations, it’s true. Today I need to feel that my efforts were worthwhile.

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Thought Someone, Right Now, Needed to Hear This.

to_the_world_001

“To the world you may be one person.

“But to one person you may be the world.”

I remember when I’ve been in the throws of my Specter, and consumed with such hopelessness and misery I believed no one else endured. That depression demon who is currently being held at bay in his cage of Lexapro and Abilify, but can attack at random times with a sucker punch to the kidney, leaving me without the breath for life. It’s at those times that one person can change your life. They are there. You just have to find them, reach out to them, and hold onto them. They will be there. You mean the world to them.

If you’re wearing the other pair of shoes and know of someone who needs to be reached out to. Use this post as an excuse to do so. You may save someone’s life.

Watch Out for Snakes

Art by Rob Goldstein

Art by Rob Goldstein Watch Out For Snakes

Art by Rob Goldstein Comment 12-21-2015

From July to December of last year a narcissist was comment bombing me.

That was when I completed the abstract, Watch Out For Snakes.

I got as many as twelve long diatribes a week and made
screenshots before deleting them unread.

I went through my screenshots tonight and re-read that comment.

It’s pure word salad.

When I first met the narcissist I was drawn to what I wanted to
think was a child like imagination.

On some level I must have known that what I’d met was another
self-centered two-year old that as an adult turns vicious.

I laugh as I read the comment now and yet I have mixed feelings.

The primary symptom of narcissism is the delusional idea that
everyone else must agree that he is obviously superior.

Eventually everyone finds something about the narcissist
to question.

It’s when you…

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Friday. This morning I woke up to great news. The weather forecast says: “Three sunny days coming up!”. And it freaking better be true because when I’m feeling hopeful, I hate to change my mood.
Right now I’m waiting for the couple of hours with sun to see if I can finish mowing. I tried yesterday but I was surprised by a terrible storm that flooded my bathroom again. I can’t keep the windows closed all the time, I already feel suffocated for many other reasons, I need some fresh air.

Last night, just before going to sleep, I read an article: “8 Signs You’ve Met Your Soulmate and Not Just a ‘Life Partner”. I needed to read it. Actually, I always need to read all those kind of articles to see if I can relate.
One of these days I will write about: “How you should be/act/dress/decorate your house/and…

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Thursday. Denial: disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
I got the concept.
I wonder if I live in denial. If I’m an eternal dreamer. If I refuse to think that some people are just plain liars. Maybe I’m too optimistic. Or maybe I’m just too dumb.
Because more or less that’s what I think when someone denies something. I may say: “Of course, anything can happen” but in my head I’m saying: “No way in hell”. But that only happens when that something is not related to me. I can be realistic about anyone else’s life but apparently, when it comes to my life and my things, I’m pretty good at denying.

The truth is that there are some things I cannot believe because I hope and have faith that the outcome will be the way I want it. Because I know there is a chance and…

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Wednesday. I woke up this morning feeling it was Thursday. I even wrote Thursday and I had to cancel it. I think my subconscious wants this day to be over soon. But it’ll have to wait because the day is still pretty new.

The landlord came yesterday and I showed him the attic. While we were going upstairs he said: “Are you sure they are not mice?” Those are the kind of things that cause my heart to skip a beat. I said: “I know mouse poop and this one is different”.
Then he saw the evidence and said: “You have a marten. Do you know what they are?”.
I know what they are and I was completely surprised/shocked with my answer: “What can I do to get rid of it? Close all the holes? Put some poison?”. Poison?? Really?? Holy f#$k. I can’t kill a mosquito and I was…

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You see, it’s like the ending of ‘Psycho’

Art by Rob Goldstein

In therapy today we touched on the weird inner world of the pathological narcissist.

The one that swiped my Flickr group has opened a WordPress account
to fave my  blog entries.

I recognized her face from the Psycho looking selfie she uses as an avatar.

Art by Rob Goldstein You see, It’s like the ending of Psycho

I said to my therapist, “I don’t follow her. In fact, because of my DID, I’ve mostly forgotten her.”

I know who she is and why we don’t speak but those memories are like the memories of a group of snapshots.

If you hurt me, I mostly forget you.

“So why is she doing this?” I asked.  “To get attention?”

You see, it’s like the ending of Psycho,” replied my therapist.  “Norman is gone and what’s left is his malignant narcissist of a Mother who thinks that not killing the fly will…

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I’m the Person You don’t know who is Not the Pathological Narcissist Mentioned in Rob Goldstein’s Blog Post that You Haven’t Read

Art by Rob Goldstein

The Medusa
The reason I’ve decided to revive this post is because a friend from Flickr informs me that a pathological narcissist is posting to the streams of people I don’t know on Flickr that I’ve accused her of trolling my art group.

That’s not correct.

I’ve accused her of stealing my art group.

When you keep things that don’t belong to you it’s stealing.

When you lie about people it’s called slander.

And when you feel entitled to hurt people for your own sadistic
amusement you are probably a malignant narcissist.

In October of last year this woman claimed on an unrelated topic posted to The Neighborhood that she was the Narcissist I was writing about on my blog.

I am not sure what to think of a woman who identifies herself on the blog of someone she doesn’t know as one of two unnamed women I described as malignant narcissists

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We Are Family

Art by Rob Goldstein

The photos in this video are dedicated the men and women of the American Civil Rights Movements.

We are all religions, races and nationalities. We are gay, straight and transgender.

We are everywhere and we will never give up.

I chose “We are Family” by Sister Sledge because it makes me smile. 🙂

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Tuesday. I slept really bad and I woke up to one of the worst nightmares I had in my life. I’m still shook and I think it will last until I can see that everything is fine and that it was only a bad dream.

Yesterday evening there was a really bad storm here. All the rain we didn’t get in one month, we got it at once.
I had left the bathroom window a tiny bit open and when I went upstairs to take a shower, I discovered that the bathroom was flooded.
I couldn’t believe that so much water could go in through such a small hole. I thought that probably there was also some fissure or something. I dried everything and waited a bit to see what happened. Apparently, all the water got in through the window small opening.
Then I thought that it would be smart…

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So Here’s Some Cool Train Track Pics for You | [PHOTOS]

Hello and Happy Memorial Day. One thing I love aside from taking pictures at the beach, is taking pictures of train tracks. They entrance and mystify me somehow. I wanted to share them with you. Please feel free to use them and kindly link back to this blog so I can see how you incorporated them into your work.

Enjoy and thank you all for your support and readership!

13334325_10207873186681167_467534719_o13340408_10207873166800670_1243914373_o (1)20160527_11272220160527_11295620160527_113240

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Monday. I woke up in the middle of the night with an idea of what I wanted to write today. It was very clear in my head. Then I fell asleep again and when I got up this morning, I realized I couldn’t remember it anymore.
For a moment I experienced the kind of panic I had every time I had to take an exam. “What if I can’t remember anything?”. The truth is that that never happened. I mostly remembered everything I knew and sometimes, I even remembered things that were said during the lessons… And that was amazing because I mostly felt like I was there only in body and not in spirit.
Right now, I feel I’m blank.

So I’ll improvise. I have to fill the paper or I won’t pass this exam.

A couple of days ago, I posted a poem. The first verse went like…

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Sunday. What a slow day! I really wish I could go back to bed. My kids are expecting me to entertain them and I don’t really want to do anything. I want to stay quiet on the couch. I’d like to daydream but there is too much noise around and I can’t hear my own thoughts.

A couple of days ago while I was looking for some images online, I found a few screenshots of chats showing some miscommunications.
I’m sure all of you are familiar with this.

For example when you mean to send a message to someone and by mistake you send it to someone else, or when the ducking autocorrect decides to change the words you typed, or when you send a message to somebody but someone else read it first.
I think I have experience in all the categories. You have no idea how many times…

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Writing a Wrong

A couple months ago I published a blog post called “Brok3n & Betray3d”. It was about how my girlfriend told me she cheated on me and how that affected my emotional state over the next few days.

It is not there anymore because I took it down.

I believe it was published “wrongly”. Or at least before I knew the whole story.

I am here today to ask for a chance to rectify that event.

*    *     *

After the situation had passed and things were cleared up, we got back together for a short while only to fall apart again. Not because she told me she cheated on me. Just because that is how life goes.

After we talked about the situation, she informed me of the details that I wish I had known prior to my posting what I did, and reacting the way I did. I wish I had handled things more calmly. More maturely.

We were apart for the day. I had my daughter for the weekend and she had gone to our local St. Patrick’s Day parade. During that time, she had gone to the bar where the parade ended. Her ex-boyfriend was there and he kissed her. She didn’t return the advance and ended up pushing him away and told him to stop. Another girl who was there kissed her and she did the same thing.

I believe her.

She said she felt like she cheated on me because she was out without me.

I believe her.

As a result of my actions, she was shunned by those closest to us, both offline and in real life. For this I am dreadfully sorry. I cannot imagine being in her place.

Though we are not together today, I would appreciate it you would remember what she was to me by reading the series of poems I wrote about her PTSD and anxiety, as well as the short story I wrote in her honor, Love and the Maiden.

Thank you friends.

X

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Saturday. Dull day. There isn’t much I can do when my kids are here and when the weather is not nice. That truly sucks because doing nothing outdoors is much better than doing nothing in the living room with the freaking TV on. I really hope the conditions improve this summer or I’ll be plucking my hair. Every time I hear: “Mom, I’m bored”, I feel my heartbeat accelerating its pace. I can’t really deal with that so well. I can’t please all my kids at the same time and if I try to do it one by one, I get problems with the other four.

Yesterday evening I got not so pleasant news and that left me in a somber state. I really don’t like it. I hate to be remembering myself that I can do this and that this too, shall pass. It’s tiring.

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On the bright side…

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