Just-world hypothesis

I’ve been studying up on the ‘Just-world’ theory, and found this article. Very interesting…

The just-world phenomenon is the tendency to believe that the world is just and that people get what they deserve. Because people want to believe that the world is fair, they will look for ways to explain or rationalize away injustice, often blaming the person in a situation who is actually the victim.

The just-world phenomenon helps explain why people sometimes blame victims for their own misfortune, even in situations where people had no control over the events that have befallen them.

Just-World Theory and Victim-Blaming
The just-world theory posits that when people do fall victim to misfortune, others tend to look for things that might explain their circumstances. In other words, people have an automatic tendency to look for something or someone to blame for unfortunate events. But rather than simply attributing a bad turn of events to bad luck, people tend to look at the individual’s behavior as a source of blame.

Conversely, this belief also leads people to think that when good things happen to people it is because those individuals are good and deserving of their happy fortune. Because of this, people who are extremely fortunate are often seen as more deserving of their good luck. Rather than attributing their success to luck or circumstance, people tend to ascribe their fortune to intrinsic characteristics of the individual. These people are often seen as being more intelligent and hard-working than less fortunate people.

Examples
The classic example of this tendency is found in the book of Job in the Bible. In the text, Job suffers a series of terrible calamities and at one point his former friend suggests that Job must have done something terrible to have deserved his misfortunes.

More modern examples of the just-world phenomenon can be seen in many places. Victims of sexual assault are often blamed for their attack, as others suggest that it was the victims own behavior that caused the assault.

Explanations for the Just-World Phenomenon
So why does the just-world phenomenon happen? There are a few different explanations that have been proposed to explain it:

• The fear of facing vulnerability. People do not like to think about themselves being the victims of a violent crime. So when they hear about an event such as an assault or a rape, they may try to assign blame for the event on the victim’s behavior. This allows people to believe they can avoid being victims of crime just by avoiding past victims’ behaviors.
• A desire to minimize anxiety. Another possible explanation for the just-world phenomenon is that people want to reduce the anxiety that is caused by the world’s injustices. Believing that the individual is completely responsible for their misfortune, people are able to go on believing that the world is fair and just.
  Pros and Cons
  The just-world phenomenon does have some benefits. Like other types of cognitive bias, this phenomenon protects self-esteem, helps control fear, and allows people to remain optimistic about the world.

Obviously, this tendency also has some major downsides. By blaming victims, people fail to see how the situation and other variables contributed to another person’s misfortunes. Instead of expressing empathy, the just-world phenomenon sometimes causes people to be disinterested or even scorn troubled individuals.
A Word From Verywell
The just world phenomenon might explain why people sometimes fail to help or feel compassion for the homeless, for addicts, or for victims of violence. By blaming them for their own misfortunes, people protect their view of the world as a safe and fair place, but at a significant cost to those in need.

This cognitive bias can be difficult to overcome, but being aware of it can help. When making attributions, focus on looking at all elements of the situation. This includes accounting for a person’s behavior as well as things such as environmental factors, societal pressures, and cultural expectations.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-just-world-phenomenon-2795304

Secrets – Part One

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 26, 2018.

I’m not sure how many times I saw my mom pass out drunk. A handful of the times, she just fell to the floor. I was so little, I didn’t understand what was going on, but I knew it wasn’t good. I’d cry and wail.

Luckily, it never happened (as far as I can remember) when I was alone with her. My old stepdad (he was her boyfriend/fiance for the majority of time that he was in our lives, this story mostly contains bits from before they were legally married, but I call him “my old stepdad”) would always be there. He’d pick her up, wake her as best he could, and move her to the bed or couch.

One time that comes flashing back to me is the time where she decided to leave him. Wasn’t the first time. This time, she’d gotten an apartment not too far from our house. My old stepdad and I went to visit her (why I was with him and not her, I’m not sure of) and they got to fighting again. I think now the reason they fought was because she was drunk, but I’m not entirely certain.

Read the last 182 words here.

Secrets – A Foreword

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 24, 2018.

Time for another series.

With this one, I want to be clear that these are actual secrets. They’re things from my childhood that I witnessed that I never told anyone about. Not my dad, not my therapist, no one. If I had told them about it, it was years and years later when nothing could come out of it.

I was extremely protective of my mother and knew if I told anyone these things, they’d take me away from her. I was terrified of that. I thought it was the right thing to do. If I had spoken up sooner, maybe I would’ve been able to save myself from the things that pop into my mind now before I go to sleep (that’s mostly because I’ve been releasing things that used to keep me from falling asleep – look up my things that broke me series), but at the same time, I wouldn’t have known I was saving myself from anything at all and instead I would’ve most likely been resentful that I was taken away from my mother.

If I’d spoken up sooner, who knows who I would be. I seriously doubt I’d be the strong person I became through those experiences. I try not to wonder about those things. The point is, these experiences shaped a lot of my life and the decisions I made.

Read the last 79 words here.

The Godfather

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 23, 2018.

For some reason, I crave watching The Godfather (and The Godfather Part II) every once in a while. In the past, it’s usually been when I do a deep cleaning or something- I’d have it on in the background. This time, however, I watched for the love of it… three times in one week.

I couldn’t help myself! and I couldn’t stop. I think it could possibly be because I hadn’t watched it in a couple years? Or I’m just making up excuses for no reason. I enjoyed every minute of watching those two movies over and over. It never gets old!

Read the last 67 words here.

Felix Felicis

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 20, 2018.

I believe an update is warranted since I’ve made all these life changes…

It honestly feels like I have taken felix felicis, aka liquid luck (for all you non-Potterheads out there). It feels like every single move and decision and thought I make is the right one preparing me for the future I so wish to have. It’s incredible.

I haven’t felt this type of motivation in years. Solely because I had no idea what the hell I was doing or what the hell I wanted. Now, though, each day is it’s own step toward a greater goal. I am first and foremost bettering myself as a human. I’m changing the way I think and how things make me feel. I’m changing how I react to things and the way I talk about things.

Read the last 109 words here.

Things That Broke Me – Part 4

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 19, 2018.

First and foremost, I cannot stress enough that my ex had nothing to do with breaking me.

The breakup, however, did.

Let’s start with the beginning and get to where I broke….

I wasn’t happy for a while in my relationship, but thought for so long that it could work itself out or there would be some moment where it just fizzled easily apart. Obviously, neither of those options happened, but what did was a wake up call that I had never anticipated.

I was sitting at my work station on a Friday, just doing what I did everyday. Then, bam! Old Alex appeared in my mind. And she was mad. She’s the girl I had left behind almost 4 years prior, strong and independent, badass. She began listing all the things I had sacrificed and would sacrifice in the future. All of it was true.

Now, she wasn’t entirely mean, but she definitely woke me up. I’ll yell ya, she was definitely scolding me. I could see clearer then than I had for a very, very long time… and I was horrified. I couldn’t believe what I had done and who I had let go of. I had lost who I really was… and for what? Nothing. Nothing in the world was worth giving up that person.

On top of that, I had given up many facets of my life that gave me joy and was going to continue to accept less than what I deserved. So I had not only lost myself, but I had stopped doing things I loved doing and would continue to accept less in my future than what I had previously always wanted. It would be sacrifice after sacrifice made by me and only me (hint: he wasn’t doing any of the sacrifices).

So. Obviously we know what happens next.

I got terrified and absolutely panicked after I broke up with him the first time. Yes, it took two times. After the first time, I told him specific things that needed to change. He tried for a few days, but still it was just one or two things on the list (a list of things very, very easy to do, I wouldn’t ask someone to move mountains if I knew it were impossible). A few more weeks go by and I can’t take it anymore. Old Alex was still in my head keeping me on track. I tell him I had to go and stay with my friend, if you read part one of this series you’d know, he said he loved me out loud for the second time, and I left.

Less than a week goes by and I met with him in our apartment and I ended it. He just sat there and shrugged.

It was 100% the right thing to do and I don’t regret it for a second.

Here’s where I broke…

I had thought I was going to marry this person and have kids with this person and be with him forever and always.

Read the last 283 words here.

Instagram

Hey there everyone!

Another change has happened within the last few weeks… I post a positive message (image) to my Instagram account every day! It’s typically a message that I will take with me through my day and I hope that seeing it helps others during their day. Check it out here!

Sunny Feels

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 16, 2018.

Here is one of my playlists (via Spotify, I hope you have it). It has songs that make my mornings a whole lot easier! Anxious? Depressed? This playlist makes me feel at ease and joyful.

It includes songs from George Harrison, Donovan, Paul Simon, Carole King, Townes Van Zandt, Sandy Denny, and more! I hope you get the same feelings from it as I do!

Happy listening 🙂

The Slayer

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 14, 2018.

I started Buffy the Vampire Slayer a few nights ago. I had seen some episodes as a kid, but was really too young to have started it at the beginning or to understand a lot of what they were talking about. I guess I had initially watched after a few seasons, I remember thinking she was so cool.

Watching it now is probably a much different experience than those who had when it first aired, but I think it’s just the right time for me. The music is great, the sets, the outfits, the hair- all nostalgic for me! And Sarah…. Sarah Michelle Gellar! Beautiful and badass.

Read the last 80 words here.

Meditate It Away

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 13, 2018.

I was having a really rough day just over a month ago and I asked my best friend for some help. She had a bunch of positive affirmations and I needed some. She also told me about a meditation app. That meditation app has been my daily helper ever since I downloaded it!

The app is called Simple Habit. There are 5/10/15 minute meditations available with a ton of topics! I do it everyday before I leave the house. It clears out all my anxiety and any depression I may be feeling. It’s got options for if you’re having a rough day or starting something new or just going to start your day, etc.

Within the first few days, I noticed a change within my self and mind. From the teachings I’d meditated along with, I could just let my thoughts be instead of letting them get inside me and fester. I felt stronger just breathing and being at peace. I had much more appreciation for myself and my life.

Read the last 143 words here.

Changes

Originally posted on Journey Into A on March 12, 2018.

I had a day all to myself recently where I could just relax and do absolutely nothing. I thought it would be a great day, but somehow I still ended up feeling anger or sadness. Before I went to sleep, I really thought about this and asked myself “what was it that got into your day to make you feel so upset? You were at home all day! There shouldn’t have been anything to upset you.” I realized that the only times I felt anger or sadness were from when I had opened my Facebook app.

So I deleted it.

Now, I just deleted the app so I still have a Facebook, but I don’t have the easy access to it like I did before. I haven’t fully deleted it because of all the photos as well as the fact that that’s how I can reach my page (to promote my blog). I haven’t been on it in about 3 weeks and it has been so nice!

I have been trying to change my way of thinking for the better the past few months and everyday, I still kept getting dragged into the same old thought patterns. It always stemmed from going on that app and seeing so much hate and anger and sadness and complaining. It was too much. If I couldn’t control their narratives, then it was time to control my own.

I didn’t have to go on it. I didn’t have to read their posts. I didn’t have to be upset from, well, bullshit anymore. I could free myself from it. I have that ability.

Read the last 221 words here.

The Thing Is…

Originally posted on March 8, 2018 on Journey Into A.

The thing is, I tried to end it. I tried to end it TWICE just two weeks prior to you ending it, but you wouldn’t let me. You. wouldn’t. let. me. When you do something like that, not wanting them to end it, it gives a person hope. It makes them think that you’re not willing to let go and want to figure things out (which is also what you said, so that just confirms it).

The thing is, you decided to do it at the wrong time. For weeks, I was excited to go to that event and you decide, halfway through, that then’s the time to end things. You waited just long enough to see your friends. You knew a bunch of my friends were there and they were going on next. You didn’t think it would ruin my night?

Read the last 118 words here.

Things That Broke Me – Part 3

Originally posted on Feb. 24, 2018 on Journey Into A.

Here we are with the next bit to release…

This one stems from good ol’ Valentine’s Day. Basically Old Faithful for pain.

Valentine’s is one of those days that makes you think about what has happened on all the previous ones, or at least that’s what happens for me. I’ve been hurt on more Valentine’s Days than not. I’m half terrified of the day each year.

Let’s start small. A high school boyfriend avoided me on VD and then called me from Ruby’s Diner that night and invited me to Ruby’s all in the same breath as when he said that I couldn’t possibly make it there in time to order and eat before his mom would pick him up… Lame.

One guy I dated took me to see “He’s Just Not That Into You” and then we sat in his car for over an hour after just listening to Dane Cook. He just turned up the volume or didn’t respond when I’d try to talk. I left the next morning for a week to NY and there was no “I miss you” or anything. That blew.

One year, a boyfriend broke up with me on VD saying that he’d “rather smoke weed than be with [me]”. Now, I had no problems with him smoking weed, but he had told me that he wanted to quit smoking and then would lie and sneak behind my back. All I ever wanted was honesty. He’s also one that used to ridicule my short hair after he dumped me so there’s not much lost in that relationship, but that experience on VD sucked.

Read the last 179 words here.

Like You Once Did

Originally posted on Feb. 23, 2018 on Journey Into A.

 

I want someone to look at me the way you once did

I want their hands to brush aside the hair from covering my face like yours once did

I want their arms wrapped tightly around me like yours once did

I want their smile at me to exude and radiate like yours once did

I want to make them laugh like you once did

I want them to say sweet things like you once did

I want to dance happily together like we once did

I don’t want to feel this loneliness when I remember that I could’ve had what I once did

Things That Broke Me – Pt. 2

Originally posted on Journey Into A on Feb. 22, 2018.

Welcome back to my cleanse! Let’s get going on the next one…

I guess this one would have to be about dating.

During my long term relationship is when all those dating/swipe apps (don’t want to name names, but you can make your assumptions and know you’re right) came out. I came out into a whole new world that I had no idea how to navigate in… and still don’t. I had friends teaching me how to use the apps and telling me what I should do and say and none of it felt very good and obviously hasn’t worked out so far.

I’ve probably deleted and re-downloaded the app about 9 times in the last 3 years. I try it, I go on a few dates, feel like shit, and then I delete it again. It feels like what it was like dating right after graduating from high school- where no one cares about anyone else, but themselves and their desires. Why would I not just keep off it? Well, I’m not exactly comfortable going to a bar or something alone and trying to start up a conversation with a stranger and think that could possibly go well. I don’t want to give up.

Read the last 180 words here.

Maybe I will get through this alright

Originally posted on Journey Into A on Feb. 21, 2018.

Maybe something’s wrong here

Maybe something’s right

But I don’t have you

By my side

My heart is beating faster

My hands are cold as ice

I don’t know if my head will stop pounding

What happened last night

I feel the clouds approaching

Thunder will start roaring

Maybe I will get through it alright

I hear the train’s whistle blowing

Stray cats are moaning

Maybe I will get through this alright

Well you came knocking on my door

The look on your face

tells me so much more

Where did we go wrong here

Where did we go right

Maybe I will get through this alright

things that broke me – part 1

After some recent painful nights, I thought up the idea to create a series where I can release some of the things that continue to haunt me. I am trying to change myself, trying to be more positive, and change my way of thinking for the better. This is my way of cleansing myself and making way for beautiful change.

Let’s begin with one of the toughest ones.

I was in a relationship with someone for close to 4 years and he told me “I love you” out loud twice. There were times where I’d ask him to say it and he’d mumble it, but I rarely asked because it made me feel so pathetic even having to ask. The first time he said it on his own was when I tried to break up with him the first time (a month before actually ending it) and then the second time was right before I walked out the door for good.

His reasoning for not being able to say it was that his ex had “fucked with his mind for over a year”. At first, I understood that, but after we moved in together (after a year) and then more years stacked on to us being together, it felt more and more ridiculous and got more and more painful for me. I hate telling people about this whole thing because I still feel like an idiot. Who would put up with that?

I said it almost every day. Sometimes, I’d try to see how long I could go without saying it and I’d only last about 2 days. Why did I try not to say it? Because saying “I love you” to someone and NEVER getting an “I love you” back is so. fucking. painful. After a while, I felt embarrassed at myself each time I would say it.

Oh and we’re not talking about an agreed upon thing here. It’s not something that was ever okay with me and it was brought up many times. Some people have an understanding or whatever and that’s fine, but it’s not fine when it’s not agreed upon by both people.

Read the last 105 words here.

hi-atus

Hello everyone.

I apologize for going away, but I really needed time to myself. I’ve been going through a lot the last few months, mostly depression, and it’s been difficult to find motivation. When it came to writing here, all my thoughts were depressed and I didn’t want the path of my blog to steer towards only depressed posts.

Now, I’m in a transition where I don’t want to dwell on the past, but I also want to release some of the painful things that have happened in my life. Maybe that’ll help as a sort of cleanse. I’ll release them here in writing and maybe others with similar experiences will see they’re not alone and that one day, they can move on from them, as well.

Thank you for sticking with me!

Visit my blog here!

Hot Topics!

I hope y’all have had a wonderful weekend! It is always so amazing how fast it goes by and then we have another 5 very long days we have to be at work! I guess it is kind of a blessing in disguise because at least we have another chance to make our week great!

I am sure everyone already knows this, but there are some topics you should never talk with family or friends about! Most of us have our own very passionate beliefs regarding politics and religion that probably do not match up with everyone. It is okay that we all have our own thoughts about these topics, but arguing about them will never solve the issues and you will never be able to change someone else’s mind! Never in my life have I ever been a political person, but I do have my strong opinions on the topic that are not influenced by anyone but myself! 

Another hot topic that should be avoided with family and friends is same-sex marriage! I am one who believes very strongly that we are entitled to love whom ever we choose and therefore should be able to marry whom ever we love! Same sex marriage does not harm anyone, but talking ill of this in a “free country” will ultimately harm others. Why does it seem that so many are only okay if you marry someone of the same color, religious following, same ethnicity, but it must be the opposite sex? Who has a right to say who you should or should not love?

As y’all can probably tell, there are some things I am extremely passionate about and feel very comfortable sharing my thoughts! I think we should all feel comfortable with who we are and never feel any shame about it! I believe very indomitably that we should feel free with our beliefs! I will not get into how I feel about politics though only because that is probably a more intense conversation!

I want to thank y’all for visiting my site today and reading my semi rant! I get so frustrated with the negative thoughts surrounding these topics and will never understand the hostility with certain things! Sometimes facts are facts and can not be changed, no matter what you do or say. I really feel that if there was more love and acceptance around us, instead of hatred and judgement, the world would be so much happier! I did not mean to go all pageant queen with that statement wanting world peace, but it would be really nice if we could all just get along!

I hope you have  a wonderful evening! Remember to always stay positive because it will pay off! Please feel free to leave a comment and I will respond as quickly as I can! I would really love to hear your thoughts! Sending you love and comfort always!

Always, Alyssa

Thank You!

I am completely astonished by the amazing amount of support all of you have offered me since I start my blog in July 2017. I started this blog with only one follower initially, my husband. I made the decision to start this journey because of my passion for writing and my strong desire to help others that may be going through hard times. I felt that after living with a chronic illness for almost 18 years I could offer some hope, courage and strength for others. I am very proud to say that I am achieving my goal more and more each day due to the gratitude I have received from many of you. At this moment with each post I make over 600 individuals are reading what I write and so many make gracious comments to me that I am helping them through difficult times. I have heard so many times that my positive thoughts and encouraging words have inspired others, which really makes me incredibly happy. All I have ever wanted to do is help and motivate others that may have fallen on hard times or may possibly be struggling with illness.

 

I want y’all to know how much I have enjoyed getting to know you and also learning so much from each of you! All of us deal with something that is not easy and we all have special and unique ways to cope our situations. I truly hope that y’all know that I am always here to help in any way I can. Our struggles are real, but they are always strengthening our abilities to handle the next day! Continue to stay positive and know that it is okay to lean on others. It is also okay to have a bad day and not feel very optimistic, we all have those days. However, it is important to not dwell on a bad day and remember that tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities for happiness!

I hope y’all have a great evening! Thank you so much for stopping by my site today. I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments and I do promise to respond to you as quickly as I can! I love the fabulous communications we have had! I am sending all of you lots of love and comfort!!

Always, Alyssa

Timeline – The Moment

…a moment outside of time…

via Timeline – The Moment — Owning It

just a post – seen

Today I was reviewing what I have written over the past year. I wanted to direct a friend to a post that will clearly tell my story. But the posts seem to be just snippets of who I am. What do I point him to? My first post Belong, is a good slice in time, but confusing. I got so much clearer a year later with Shift | Shine. But it leaves out so much to stay tight. Prism Merge explains exactly where I was when I entered high school, but it requires Age 14, Take 2 to explain it. My Rape is poorly written, but ‘74 Fold goes on for 6 posts!

Can I run through all of these ramblings and tag them into a cohesive thing? Or do I let them just be what and when they are? What do I want? In Home I describe how validating it is to be understood. I suspect that is all I want, to be seen for who I am.

Under the Guise of a Holiday

Originally posted on Journey Into A on November 24, 2017.

This is my second Thanksgiving all alone. No family, no friends, nothing. I’m as happy as can be.

I haven’t been too fond of the holidays for quite some time. I like to pretend they’re just another day, but the biggest excuse to do nothing and go nowhere. It’s quiet and peaceful this way. I get to hang out when it seems it’s the most quiet out in the world.

It feels like everyone just makes too much of something that’s meant to bring people together. There’s too much hype, too much stress, too much underlying resentment. We’re all just supposed to hang out, what’s the big deal? How does it always end up being hateful or incredibly sad?

I have a problem with trying to make everyone happy. I wish too much that when family is all together, we could just be happy and have that be enough. Any other time, it can be that way, but under the guise of a holiday, it isn’t that way.

Read the last 52 words here.

Maintaining

Originally posted on Journey Into A on November 15, 2017.

A couple of weeks ago I had a passenger who answered the phone and when the caller asked how he was, he said “I’m maintaining”. It stuck with me. It felt like the first time I’d ever heard someone say that.

The brain works in mysterious ways. Perhaps I’d heard that a hundred times in my life, not as many times to refer to as “common” when I’d usually think of the typical responses of “oh, doing fine”, “I’m alright”, “I’m good” or “I’m getting by”, I’m going through some things”, etc. I have truly no recollection of ever having heard that before, but this time I heard it, and I mean heard it, because I needed to hear it. He said something completely in the middle of those common responses.

It struck me as gold. It was a way to communicate that you’re going through the good and the bad that life throws at us. It was that middle ground that explains being in between or in transition or in coming out of something or changing. It alludes to you having gone through some things and that you’re actively working to move past them. It was beautiful. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I told him right then and there that I’d liked his response. I told him how it made me feel and how it provoked so much thought. It was an honest response. It was a way to not feel that guilt you feel when you toss someone one of those generic responses. You know the feeling- you get it with those people that you feel really could hear you and listen to you, but you give them the old “I’m fine” when they ask how you are. You gave them that response because you still aren’t sure if they will really hear you, when so many don’t listen or don’t want to listen. We don’t want to bother anybody with the truth.

Read the last 111 words here.

just a post – Progress

When I started training one of the hardest tasks was the initial Visual Assessment. It was simple, take photographs of myself front, back, left and right. Dutifully I did it early one morning, cropped my head off and sent it off.

That was 3 years ago today. Sure I see a lot of difference in my body. But it is what I feel that is more important.

I no longer hate my body. Infact I’ve come to like it. I don’t think that freedom is as tied into results as it may seem.

I always yearned to step into the weight room. The struggle isn’t only with the plates. I’ve dumped a lot of baggage and grown. I’ve developed a greater connection to my body, identity and goals. I will be forever grateful to my friend who encouraged me to train with Nick Deacon.

We’ve laid a good foundation and I know I am ready to pack some muscle on.

Floating Hard

At my core is a hungry void. I don’t know if it got carved out, or is it an emptiness that never grew shut? It’s mass is my gravitational center. As much as it attracts, it also repels. Nothing penetrates it’s border. Everything it draws to it, clusters and clumps around it’s outer edge. My hurts have accumulated into a thick crusty shell. A longing is in there, echoing. Something vital is missing. A deep need leaks out forcing my fibers to align with it.

I’ve been struggling to look at it. My attempts to focus are ricochet into a scattered field. As I forced my way in, I expected to be overcome with the pain packed around it. Surprisingly I made progress and found some peace.

For my entire life I’ve sensed something I have only now put into words. It’s presence has been so constant I don’t even hear it as background noise. Seeing it, holding it out loud, hearing it in the air is freeing. So far my biggest reaction is simply shocked at what I took as normal:

I repulsed my father.

That is what I have always felt. At first it was a tiny sense, a subtle suspicion. Then a solid truth. In short order it became the believe my identity was founded on.

Looking back, it’s easy to see how I noticed patterns and formed explanations. He was a quiet man. His single word sentences felt short, tried and disinterested. He never abused me, he never did anything intentionally to hurt or deprive me. He also never touched me. It was an unspoken rule that was visceral. Even without words, it seemed to me he was afraid touching would make me weirder then I already was.

I suspect he was reacting to me. I wasn’t at ease with him. Did he pull back because he felt me squirm? Did we deflect each other? Our dance was simply sour, our feet to heavy to ever match. I could be angry. He was the adult, didn’t he have an obligation to make it work? But he was just a damaged person with secrets he couldn’t speak of.

In the silence I grew hungry.

Did the repulsion I sensed carve out my longing? If I felt his love, would it have grown closed? Seeing this, I understand how it fed my fragile standing as a boy. By the time I was 5, I was already isolated, an outsider, the Other. The trauma of the assault fortified my confused conclusions; weak is gross, dirty, repulsive and I was weak. With that, the first layer of pain was laid over the void. This heavy longing floats hard in my throat.

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image: photo collage hum

…the sickness of self…

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dice_Man

Its Breaking me down

I can barely understand my own thoughts yet alone try staying on track “does anyone hear me”As i Write and try articulate my issues wish i could say anxiety has abated ,but it’s like life’s trying to tear my walls down stripe me bear .could i rebuild this me up? or will she die young!

Today iv hovered around my thoughts and as much as Hannes has made sense im on edge how long sanity will prevail god only knows! There’s much happening to me other than mental illness stalking me, Tuesday we fly to Napier and I’m petrified i don’t fly well and my boy and myself will do this alone though his great-then Wednesday i have a job interview I’m in no zone to pick work up but fuck i have no option “this seems to be a part too” Then Thursday my boy has his interview for trade school ,which his not certain of either.Oh and then bigger we actually have no place yet either to move into and we two weeks away from moving ,the mover never returns my call though hubby has spoken to him..Today the agent rang doing a reference check and never have we had an issue renting though its only twice we’ve rented but since then hubby was made redundant and we lapsed on two accounts which we paying off now, but this has come up grr  I’m left wondering will we get a rental and were will we live ?In the midst of all of this i have resentment to my husband for being made redundant and now relocating ..i know this is selfish but i just cant i need someone to save me from myself !

I’m trying hard to self-sooth my body has a mind of its own and its fragile mind the two just don’t gel with fragility!!

Viking

I watch a lot of stuff on DVD/blu-ray, including a lot of documentaries.
one TV program I have watched a lot of over the years is: Hard Time.

in one episode one of the inmates said: “you are either a Viking or a Victim”.

this really resonated with me…because of my past.

another thing I heard in a TV series (but can’t remember which one) was:

“I don’t want to be angry, because that makes me a victim”.

of course this is not referring to anger when something first happens and we feel anger (which is normal/ordinary human instinct). it’s referring to hanging onto anger, way after the incident has happened.

this idea of being angry and being a victim really resonated with me, because often when I get angry about something small, I feel awful.

i.e. the bus didn’t stop for me, and drove right past me. I was very angry, but then felt bad. so I had to distract myself enough, to get out of the feeling and back into the now.

all very powerful and transformative.

sedge808.

The Dream Shall Prevail

What Makes a Memory, and Why

Dear Readers of Survival,
I have neglected this site, as well as my own as of late. The past years dedication to WP had seriously eaten in to my obligations as a homemaker and Mom. I have decided to slow down, a lot. However, this question/thought hit me the other night. I hope you will be able to add to it!!! Much love, Heather

Pondering…..

I sit quietly alone on my terrace watching the sun set on the day, as I have done oh so many times before. There is one particular sunset I do recall. Though it was only about 4 years ago, the night was still, the air a pleasant spring time damp. Torches of candle flame stood tall without nary a breeze to fight. This sunset is a memory. I ask myself just when it became so and just why. What was so different than all of the other nights when most probably, the setting was just the same? I ask myself “Will tonight become a memory and if so, when?”

When does an event cross the line and become embedded in our hearts or mind. Why is a memory thought as one a day later, but forgotten with time? We use the terminology in the present that it will “make a great memory”. Such a fun time, a sad time, an unexpected moment, but does it always make the cut, does it really? No, it doesn’t. We forget it. We can possibly recall it with help, but it is not embedded as a memory free for the taking.

I can recall a time when I was about 4 years old popping tar bubbles on a telephone pole one hot summer day. Why? Was it the sensation of the goo on my fingers that nothing else ever matched? What was it? Why is this afternoon of my life still so vivid? The first Beatle album I ever listened to and just exactly where and how I was sitting on the floor of my neighbor’s bedroom at the tender age of about 6. When my dog got sprayed by a skunk. I am sure that memory and the tomato bath she received that night was perhaps distinctly because of the odor I encountered all but once in my life.

People. I have memories of people whose life crossed mine for not more than 10 heartbeats of my own life. Why them? What subconscious meaning did they give me? Something, for sure. Why do I recall them now? Today? Why do my friends have vivid memories of times with me and I, myself, have no recollection of that moment?

The mind and the way it files and retains events selectively is astonishing. Are memories to treasure, to learn from, or to keep a mental note on just how fast time flies? A marker for where we were then and where we are now? As a reminder of simpler days, of harder ones, as ones we didn’t even notice or appreciate in their presence (Hence, a dog’s tomato bath). Will this evening 10 years from now be a memory? I doubt it, but I never expected tar popping to be one either.

Memories, What do you think???