I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me–that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.

– Anne Lamott.


gun control in the USA will never happen

If I had a gun, I would probably use it because it is there….

But I don’t have a gun, so there is no issues about guns.

In terms of mental health, anyone can experience depression or anxiety.

No one is immune…

…so having a gun in the house is very dangerous for all concerned.

I also think that culturally, it is very American to own a gun.
Just the same for Asian culture is closely connected to food.


truth is out of style…

I come from a family that has a very long history of not telling the truth…

…and I fell into the same habit for many years….

I would lie when there was no reason to, I just couldn’t help myself !


After the breakdown in 1999 things changed dramatically, and I was no longer interested in lies.

But my family continue to tell lies, in whatever form that is.

It’s like a rule that is set in concrete.

Many many years of domestic violence has also not helped the dishonest behaviours.

My mother put up with domestic violence right up till my father died.

He didn’t hit her, but he (very much) emotionally abused her and also mentally too.

Was very interesting to hear from my Aunt that my mother took after her father. (This was in relation to my mother’s self centered behavior).

Quite a powerful revealing thing.

Anyway, I’m not sure I can ever have anything do do with my family, because of the blatant lying. It’s just NOT who I am.

I just cannot live that way.


childhood sexual abuse

It’s all well and good that the royal commission has addressed the institutional, systemic abuse of children in care…


But what about all the many thousands of children sexually abused by a family member or a neighbor ???

These people have NO voice, because they were NOT abused in institutional care !!!

I was chronically abused by the next door neighbor for three years !!!

I will NEVER get any reparations for what was done to me, and has made my life hell.


Hyper normality = Hyper obesity

In Australia 1 in 3 people are now obese.

We’re around 25th in the world, just behind the USA.
Tonga is number one with 3 in 4 people being obese. I’m rather sad for their community.

….my state: South Australia, is the fattest state in Australia.

I’m both embarrassed and ashamed.

The thing i’ve noticed is: the more common the obese thing is, the more it is ‘normalized’…

…people just accept it just because so many people are overweight! So it becomes OK.

It reminds me of Germany 1939. Nazism had become the ‘norm’, so people just accepted it (well, the majority did).

Because of it being ‘normal’ here, more and more people are getting fatter.



I first started self-harming in my mid-20s. And for me it was a way to redirect my bad feelings, or to over-ride my bad feelings.

Self-harming would also include putting myself in situations where I would feel shame. The shame was very effective in changing my emotional landscape.

For me I would also include: abusing drugs and alcohol as self-harm…and for me, binge eating too.

As I have matured, I self-harm less. So thankfully it’s a rare thing these days.





Sunday. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I stopped counting the days. I’m still stressed because for me New Year is also a family thing. I know than in many parts of the world it’s different, but for me and my family, it’s like another Christmas. The only difference maybe is that the noise of fireworks lasts longer and that the firemen take a ride at 12 o’clock with all the kids of the neighborhood with the sirens on. At least, that happens where I come from. I have no idea how it’s New Year in Germany and I won’t know it until maybe next year. This year has been too much for me and I’m still lost.
I refused to be alone and I double refused to spend the last day of the year with the man’s family. That’s why I’m doing what I do best, ESCAPE. I’m…

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Saturday. It’s snowing. I’m not happy about it.
What a day yesterday! It didn’t feel like a Friday, probably that’s why I forgot my song.
Now I need some therapeutic writing or I’ll get crazy.
The man called yesterday at 4.00pm to say he was leaving with his girlfriend for the next days. Ok. Then he said: “My parents rented a holiday’s house from the 30th on near here. We could leave the kids there and I could drive you the 31st very early to the airport alone. That way, they can sleep longer”.
“What? We already arrange that, why are you changing the plans last minute?”
“I’m not changing the plans, I’m just telling you, think about it”
“I thought about it already and it’s ALWAYS the same. Your parents make me change my plans. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS STILL HAPPENING”.
“I can’t discuss this now, my girlfriend…

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Brother’s Gift-I Had a Feeling…

Yes, I played, “guess what the dad will get the kids”. He promised a trampoline…said that everything Little AoA wanted was too expensive…and he does not own one stitch of school clothes for Little AoA. Still, I predicted a gun…because I have learned about psychopaths, and lived under his control so long, that I sometimes sense that I can predict his next move. I dont like that what is true of a psychopath applies to the dad, but I have accepted that I cant change who or wgat he is.




Friday. Not feeling really better.
Yesterday, I went downstairs to see if Santa had brought me what I asked for. No, he didn’t. I didn’t find a boyfriend under the tree, or near the tree, or behind the tree or anywhere else.
I already had in my mind a nice guy all wrapped up and with a golden ribbon on top.
Next time, if I didn’t get one before next Christmas, I’ll write the letter in German. For now, I’ll try to believe I didn’t get my boyfriend because of the barrier language.

My kids were all happy with their presents. I was happy too, I got one thing that I wanted, not as much as the boyfriend, but ok, I’ll enjoy the set of candle holders that I bought for myself and carefully wrapped and put my name on it. Once I forgot to buy something for me and…

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Thursday. Merry Christmas!!
I caught a cold and I have a runny nose. I feel very uncomfortable today. My kids are all downstairs waiting for me to open the presents. I’m still in bed wishing to turn around and sleep 3 more hours.
I’m really happy I already cooked for today. Not so happy I ate so much yesterday. The panettone was amazing but I was feeling a bit sick so I didn’t drink my cider and instead, I took a high dose of ibuprofen.
A couple of days ago, I got some chocolate wrapped with Christmas motives. I was very careful while shopping because I didn’t want my son seeing them.
Later we got home and he decided to empty the shopping bags. “What’s this?” “Shhhhh… something for the stockings” “Ohh.. Is it you the one filling them?” Shit.
Anyway, I forgot to fill the stockings last night.

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Wednesday. Christmas Eve. Every year I plan to have everything ready as soon as possible and then sit and relax. I never could do it before. I always end up doing everything last minute and having dinner WAY too late. I never had help from the man or my kids so the day was always bad. And of course, after cooking the entire day I had to shower before dinner because I needed to wear my pink panties. So mostly it was this way, I put the food in the oven and run to take a shower. Then dinner and then the plan was to watch a movie. I hate it because my kids expect me to sit and watch it with them but of course, I had to take care of the dishes too and get ready everything for the next day, that mostly was going to the man’s…

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Mug shot Tuesday. That’s me improvising a mug shot. I bought that cute cup in Chinatown in Buenos Aires last August. I fell in love with all of them but chose that one because it has blue, my favorite color. That’s my jasmine tea cup day 1. I have many cups and mugs (for different kinds of tea and time of the day) and I use them in a specific order because most of you know that I hate washing dishes. I can go 7 days without putting the dishwasher and always have a clean cup. Next week, my morning tea cup day 1.

Cable Guy canceled saying he’ll come later today.
My friend didn’t come and I spent two hours trying to get the insurance company telling me what to do about the camera that maybe my son broke at the museum last month. Nobody helped me. I got…

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Monday. It looks like if the sky were falling down. Big storm. The wind is blowing in such a strong way making the pines bend in all directions.
Yesterday I spent a lot of time folding the wash. Too much time probably, and I didn’t even start pairing socks or separating underwear. The past week all my kids told me: “Mom, I don’t have socks or underwear”. “You can look for some in any of those baskets (3)”. The story will repeat itself if I don’t finish before they come here later.

I will split yesterday’s events in two posts because I’m not even half done and it’s already over 1000 words.
I got a lot done and was really proud of myself and happy until the man told me that his aunt had a present for me for Sinterklass. I asked him what the present was and he said:…

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Sunday. I’m still sleepy. The shortest day of the year and the start of winter. From now on, it’ll only get lighter!!
The kids are with the man celebrating “Sinterklaas” with his aunt. The original day for it was 2 weeks ago but since they are not going to be with her for Christmas, they are doing a 2 in 1 celebration kind of thing. I’m so glad I’m not there!! I had to do that for 15 years. The past 2 years were the hardest. I really didn’t want to be there, not that the previous 13 years I wanted to, but ok, at least there was some love between us.
For the ones who wonder what “Sinterklass” is, I’ll try to give a very short introduction/history.
Keep in mind that I’m totally against it, so you probably have to search for more info and see the other side…

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What do I do when lightning strikes me

Carissa's world

Dave: Was it ever a moment when you stopped believing in love?

Me: More than one moment. Even now, from time to time I got this feeling…that only a few people are lucky enough to be loved.

Dave: Is it luck what we’re talking about? Or are you just feeling not worthy enough to be loved?

Me: I know that every human being is worthy to be loved…

Dave: You know that…but do you really feel it?

“She was playing with her hair, convinced that he’s starring at her. The hot chocolate made her smile involuntarily. It was warm and cozy and she wanted to have this moment engraved in her mind forever.

-I’m sorry about before…my parents can be so…

-So amazing…Matteo, your parents are awesome…the nicest people I ever met. I thought they’ll hate me for everything we went trough…but in the worst moment of my life, they…

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Saturday. I didn’t sleep so well even though I fell asleep soon after 11.00pm. Early for me but I was kaput. Still am. Not a nice week, not very cold but really dark. One more day of darkness and then it’ll start getting better. That really cheers me up.
Finally I have cable!! I still couldn’t figure out how much it’ll cost me. One e-mail says one thing and one letter says another thing. Cable Guy wrote that he’ll be here on Monday evening. I don’t care if he comes or not, I already planned to call a nice mom and let her help me with that and the insurance. It would be so nice to end the year with everything arranged.

Sweet Rob from weight2lose2013.wordpress.com nominated me for the “Very Inspiring Blogger” Award! Thank you Rob!!


You know already that I’ll break some of the rules. No questions to…

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Friday. Yay!!! The flute concert was ok and when my son saw me, his smile touched his ears. At one point my daughter said: “He always plays one extra note!!” “Shhhhhhh”. My son didn’t take the time to learn the songs, he just copied the guy next to him and that caused some delay.

I mentioned a few times before that I have a cyber brother (A). Many times, and I really mean MANY times, I ask him to interpret the male’s mind for me. I’m not an expert on that matter and I mostly tend to get things in the wrong way.
I remember asking him clothing advice before having a “Girls Night Out”. His response was mostly: “Flash some skin”, “Skirt”, “Red”, that’s what men like.
He’s a really nice guy and my hope is always to get a nice guy so I try to aim at that…

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Thursday. The rest of today and tomorrow and then holidays. I almost made it. Cutie is still sick so he’s here with me. He slept terribly and me too. Soon we have to go to see my son playing the flute. At least it’s not raining (yet).
A couple of days ago, the man got a letter saying that he had to prove that my kids went to school. I told him I was taking the letter to the kindergarten and get a stamp. I did that on Tuesday and when I got home I checked and it was written “signature”.
I called him and said that I forgot to ask for a signature and that I was going to do it on Wednesday morning when I took the kids to school. Cutie was sick yesterday too, so my kids didn’t go to school.
I asked if he could come…

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Wednesday. One less day to go. I don’t know why I have this idea that in January everything will be better. I should know already that the chance that something changes is small. I still have faith. So far, 2014 was bad but not as bad as 2013 and I hope it stays that way.
My sweet cutie had fever last night and he slept in bed with me. It wasn’t as bad as I expected. He only wanted to be very close to me. Luckily he cried only a few times as soon as I fell asleep but it was only that.

This morning I finally got an e-mail from the technicians of the cable company asking to contact them because I was not reachable by phone. I knew that, they had the wrong number. I corrected that number 5 times.
Finally I called, I got a nice guy…

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Mother, Madre, Mère, Mutter, Mãe, Μητέρα, Mama, Mor, майка, Moeder, 母亲, мат,Ibu,Ummi,.أمي. Anne ღツ

Please meet my dear friend
I love her blog and look forward to each post. Her words and videos reinforce what’s in my heart, the world,is blessed with good. Religion or where we live doesn’t make a person do harm. I read great post everyday with a different view from my own, this difference opens up communication . People do not have to agree to respect each othe, the key is respect. I hope you will visit her site for other mind, eye, heart opening,post.




Your Mother carried you inside of her womb for nine whole months, she felt sick for months with nausea, then she watched her feet swell and her skin stretch and tear. She struggled to climb stairs, she got breathless quickly and even a simple task like putting her shoes on was a huge struggle for her. She suffered many sleepless nights while you kicked and squirmed inside of her and while you demanded that she scoffed junk at 3am, she then went through excruciating pain to bring you into this world. She became your nurse, your chef, your maid, your chauffeur, your biggest fan, your teacher, your agony aunt and your best friend. She’s struggled for you, cried over you, fought for you, put herself second for you, hoped the best for you and has driven herself insane with worry for you but never has she asked for anything in…

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Mug shot Tuesday. And there are not many mugs with high number so I’ll improvise from now on. Yesterday my day wasn’t as I expected it. Not that I expected anything, I just wanted to be ok and it was below ok. It seems that I’m blocked. I have the “I’m stuck” feeling that I can’t tolerate and I start suffocating and looking for exit points. I know this too well and it’s never good.

Yesterday my oldest son went to a Weihnachtsmarkt (Christmas Market) in Osnabrück, the nearest big town. When he got home in the evening, I asked him how it was. He said he didn’t see much of it because he was in a group with two girls and the girls wanted to go shopping in town. The idea was that they stayed all together so my son and another boy had to go to all the…

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Ugly Monday. It’s cold and raining. I slept really bad, waking up many times until the alarm rang. Then I turned it off and fell asleep very peacefully. Now I’m late.
I’m counting the days but in a very strange way. It’s like when you are on holidays and have no idea which day is today. I have no idea which day is today. I need to think for a while. The only difference is that I’m not on holidays and the level of stress I have is about to make my eye twitch.
Last week Wednesday, my 3rd son said: “Tomorrow you have to go to school because it’s the end of the year party and I’m playing the flute”. Needless to say how stressful was my morning trying to arrange everything, pick my youngest kids and be at his school on time, which it was awful because there…

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Sunday. I’m still bored. Yesterday I could almost catch up reading blogs, I’ll see if I can finish today. The thing is, I didn’t do anything else, I only sat in front of the computer since breakfast time (11.30am) and stayed there eating (a lot of chocolate, bread and ice-cream) and reading.
Around 5.00pm it was already dark so I decided to take a bath, drink some wine and go to bed.
Candles, bubbles, wine and iPod.
The only problem was that I didn’t check the water temperature and it was TOO hot. I was already naked and thought that I could go in anyway and that I would get used to it eventually.
Feet first. I burned them. I think I drink tea with colder water.
Very slowly I could sit. Soon I could feel the drops of sweat rolling through my face. It really felt like swimming in…

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