Looking for the Light

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”    

Maya Angelo




I’m in a good place, like everyone there is bumps in the road. I think of them as learning opportunities even if I never understand why. The past several years have been the most challenging, in 2013 I was diagnosed with Lyme Diseases which feels like death. The protocol is to kill the bacteria before killing the patient and you are left with new health challenges.

Lyme has no cure, you pray for no flare-ups or not the worst ones. The Lyme and co-infections went to my brain causing cognitive issues, like having terrible balance and early onset Dementia. Dementia is the hardest on a daily basis, it’s like a machine gun took parts of my memory.

I now add Fibromyalgia, Neuropathy, Arthritis, skin sensitivities, and problems with my eye site to list of ailments. Most are manageable at this time.

There are always challenges with Bipolar Disorder, medication management, and an excellent Psychiatrist keep mine in check. I can be honest with him and he pulls no punches with me.

Today my Depression is under control with several new medications. I am so thankful to see the light and not darkness, getting a chance to do what I love is a true blessing.


I am a Survivor. My grandparents love and years of Therapy pulled me from the abyss. I have clear heart, no anger or self loathing. Not forgiving, forgetting to move forward. So many Angles touched my life, I can’t thank you enough.

 My mother and stepfather physically and emotionally abused me until I left home at 12 years old. From there I moved to my father’s, who sexually abused me as a child. It’s impossible to wrap your head around sexual abuse at any age. I moved from one frying pan to another. 

My father committed suicide in 1992. Estranged for years, we talked several times before his death. He would call saying someone was tapping his phone. He talked about suicide, I told no one. You can’t reason with a delusional mind.

When the Black Dog pulls me under, there’s one way out, ECT Treatments. I’ve had 20 treatments with minimal memory loss. Keep an open mind. Educate yourself on the ECT procedure and ask questions until you feel comfortable. It’s better than suicide.

I’m alive with strength from God, my husband, Therapist and Psychiatrist. I’m blessed with a husband who won’t give up no matter how hard it gets. It takes a village.

My background and mental illness is NOT a complete picture of who I am. Photography, Art and Music are passions. I love vintage cars, riding motorcycles and the great outdoors. As a teenager, I set a goal to see the world. My Bucket List continues to grow.

A student in Ancient History, Roman Architecture, World Religions and the Arts. I’m an animal lover. I’m sickened by animals abused and killed testing dog food or facial cream. I’m concerned about extinction, global poverty and the planet. Above all Education, children are our future.  

Pull up a chair and relax, you will find posts on many subjects. I hope to see you again soon. Hearing your feedback is important to me. Leave me comment and let’s talk.


Looking for the Light


   img_1496suicide_preventionNo More

23 thoughts on “Looking for the Light

  1. I am so happy to have found your page and the others that are linked to it! Your story is inspirational and I now believe that “Your TEST will be your TEST-imony and your MESS will become your MESSage ❤ I am a brand new blogger and would love for you to see my blog on "Depression through my eyes" as well as my testimonial video from the day I went from death to life. I look forward to reading more of your posts as well as your followers. Thank You!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I lost my parents to murder suicide and me and my 7 year old daughter found them. I was also sexually abused growing up so your story moved me. There are so many of us out there and if we can all share our stories, so many wont feel like they are alone. I needed this today ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t press the Like button for this post, but know that I deeply feel with and for you, and have great respect for all the challenges you’ve faced. What do you tell someone who’s been through so much it would put national heroes to shame? All I can say is Respect.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My site is going crazy and WP Support is out of town until 21st. Thank you for the kind words. I know how far down I was and my life didn’t matter. If it wasn’t for my grandparents getting me off drug and alcohol, I would not be here. They were hard are me and taught me to get rid on the thug attitude. I’m no different that any one else who sees their life going away. I worked hard, mad many bad desicisions. When I started hanging with the right crowd it help transition to find myself and be the best at it.
      Hopefully I can get this mess cleared up.
      Have a great day.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Hello friend
      Thank you for the super kind words. I am no different than so many bloggers. My hope is others will find a friend and a understanding shoulder in me.
      The work with Daniel is great. I know how much he appreciates you.
      If you’ve stopped by my site, you’ll see I am no professional writer. My Chronic Lyme Disease had affected my cognitive ability, I’m somewhere around 30-40%. It’s the most difficult to come to terms with.
      Have an awesome 2016.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you have a husband who supports you and who won’t give up no matter how black things get with you. I hope you find the right medication to give you relief from the bi-polar as it’s so hard to live with.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you David for the kind words. You sound like you are familiar with mental illness. I have an awesome doctor who I’ve seen for over 15 years, he has worked hard to keep me level or getting ECT before falling to far. I take my husband to most of my appointments so he can hear first hand what’s going on. My doctor tells him what to look for and if I reach a certain point to call and get me admitted. Many people are scared of ECT, I’ve had 20+ over the years and would not be alive without ECT. I’ll check out your site to see what you having going on. Thanks again for the encouragement. 🙂 Warrior

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hello my Wales friend David
        You are crazy funny. I spent so much time ready you’re comments and journal entries nothing else got done. I don’t know how you found me, so glad you did. Much of my life is way to serious and following you will provide a daily fix of laughter and words I don’t understand. You talk a bit differ from my friends in England. I’m American so we forget sometimes not everyone in the world talks like us. Glad I’ve traveled to know it’s far from true. I read a couple serious comments in your diary and we agree on almost everything. The American thing is a bit much to choke down, you understand. I know why you can’t get any writing done! You are an email addict. I can tell your friend/followers love you, a bit more reading and I may feel the same. I’m the young chick age on 51, although no book is in my future. I love blogging and the sense of community is awesome. My heart is filled with sunshine when I can help someone. I have Lyme, thank you for tweeting my post out, many retweets on it. I pray one person avoids Lyme, I will have helped one person. It’s a terrible disease. I found it interesting you tweeted out a post about Lyme. Any connection to Lyme? I hope you’ll drop by again and drop a line on how you found me.
        Many Hugs Back at You,


    1. Hello friend,
      Did you read my About Me page? I’m not sure how to comment. Its heart breaking to hear your daughter lost her father so young. It must have been unbearable for both of you. No doubt you felt tremendous pain to see your daughter in pain.
      I would really appreciate knowing what post you read so I can comment directly. I hope you will follow my blog so I can be here for you to lean on for support.
      I look forward to hearing from you.


      1. Yes, I read it. I have 3 girls. “Bed” was written for my oldest now 21…my teins will be 18 in march. It has, as you can imagine, been a long road but their past is now waking up and pushing through. I have one foot already on an unknown path to walk with them and it is very scarey. The PTSD is begging to surge…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Hello Heather?
          I’m sure watching three girls grow up is very painful. Certainly if they were anything like me. I hope you are seeing someone for the PTSD, it has a crazy way of throwing you up in the air and twirling you around. I don’t suffer from PTSD very bad or often. A close friend of mine who did several tours in the military suffers terribly. It’s hard to bring him down or hang on.
          We have much to talk about. I look forward to getting to know you.
          Hugs M

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Heather,
              I lost my ability to write poetry at 14, or better said I stopped. I have read more poetry since joining WordPress and the slightest urge has called me. Not enough to do anything but enough to acknowledge as an Adult you can write poetry about anything. I wrote about my teenage angst including the difficulty of kicking drugs. I have written since then but always based on a story if you will. I love NY for about 3-4 days, then ready to make it back to Texas. No doubt you miss home. msandorm@verizon.net, reach out when you need a hand.
              Hugs M

              Liked by 1 person

  4. Reading through your description of yourself and your experiences, I’m taken aback by how alike we are. What a wonderful way the internet makes for us to connect to like-minded, kindred spirits across the oceans. The way you research on topics that have meaning for you; the love of animals and deep concern for the environment; the love of books; the refusal, really, to take life at surface value – all could have been written about myself. We even share a name. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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