Surviving the Specter

Hi there.

My name is Chris.

I have been blogging since February 2015 and am 41 years old.

I have been living with severe depression since about 13 years old.

On September 14th, 2014 I attempted suicide (this post is 3410 words so make some tea or coffee and dive in).


Specter (and Weekend, and Morning)

If you’re new here, you’ll come across references to Specter, the personification of my depression. I see him more as a beast than a person. He lives in the corners of my soul.

Just out of sight.

Right where the darkness takes over the muted light. 

My medicine keeps him at bay. Temporarily sentenced to a rusty cage coated with a layer of Lexapro and Abilify. The door never shuts the entire way. And I hear the creaking rusty hinges before I see the demonic face start to appear. Its sinister lips peeled back over its razor incisors. Chipped, stiletto fingernails sliding around the corner and scratching on the walls of my soul, reaching for me out of the darkness.

Specter has relatives that have also haunted me over the years. A cousin of his that hasn’t visited for years but whom I’ve written about, Weekend. She is accompanied by her disfigured child, Morning.

Why do I Blog?

1.    To process – As well as living with depression, something that has impacted my whole life is having an anger-based personality. I don’t like it. I’ve tried to improve myself but it seems that anger is this huge anchor that is stuck in the clay. No matter how long the tether is, and how far I manage to get away from it, I always seem to come back to this emotion.

It is aggravating.

It is disparaging.

As a man of Faith it is confusing. A dichotomy that I struggle with every single day.

Being of Irish and German descent does not help either. Neither does the sleep Apnea. Sometimes, I just have to smh, if you will.

I blog for feedback. I write asking for your help and healthy input. I am a learner and I love getting other people’s opinions. The comments my readers have posted have helped me beyond anything I can repay.

Ways that I have been able to process on this site have included-

♦  Poetry – check out my saga on what it’s like to live with Specter, as well as the ongoing installments that help me process my girlfriend’s anxiety and PTSD. Poetry has helped me put my feelings onto screen. I’ve written poetry dealing with bullying, hope, and suicide.

♦  Humor – I’m a joker and enjoy cheesy humor. Check out my posts every Saturday called, Saturday Night Funny, which can all be found under the Humor category on the sidebar.

♦  Quotes – Check out the Quotes category on the sidebar. Another healthy way of my expressing the soup in my head. It helps me go beyond the fog of war to clarify what I experience on the battleground.

2.   To share – A huge reason I blog is to share and to offer support. To speak out so others surviving through the same conditions know they are not alone. So if you’re surviving through a mental condition, you know there are others out there – right next to you in line at the grocery store…in your neighborhood…in your home.

It’s the worse feeling to think that you are alone. To think no one cares. And to experience it. No one deserves it. I blog for transparency and am as vulnerable as I can be. I blog because I was broken and have been brought to a place where I have been given the courage to share my stories.

I still struggle with Specter. Not every day is a good day. The medicine works for the most part but it is up to me to be proactive and process things as positively as I can. I have my short ups and my long drawn out, downs. Sometimes I wonder if the overwhelming feelings will ever end.

3.   To Witness – I have recently reconnected with my Faith. Even if you are not a person of faith, you can still find hope and positivity here. Being a man of faith, I had a lot of internal struggles I had to wrap my arms around. Not only did those labyrinths of confusion and guilt pivot around depression, but also with anger, guilt, and divorce. 

♦  As a man of Faith, how can I be so angry?

♦  As a man of Faith, how could I leave my marriage and file for divorce (still an ongoing issue as the papers aren’t signed)?

“The Struggle is Real”

Picture 5aAt nine years old my daughter and I were talking about something unrelated to this blog and she responded, “the struggle is real.”

I about fell out!

Ever since she’s said that it’s become a new part of my vocabulary. What a perfect way to close this section.

I’ve sifted through a lot since my suicide attempt but undoubtedly have more to uncover…it’s a life process. I know I’ll discover more about myself through this journey. I hope you’re here along the way with me. I hope you’ll find something here that you can connect with, and possibly take away and pass on when you leave.

I thank you for stopping by and sharing some of what you find here with those you know who may have mental conditions.

Hug them.

You may be their only hope through their valley.

May you find peace through yours.

Please drop me a line anytime. I’d love to talk –


10 thoughts on “Surviving the Specter

  1. I’m sorry you are depressed for so long. I didn’t know depression until I was 40 years old. I’m not sure if I’m recovered now, sometimes I think I am, some other times I feel like I’m in an even deeper place.
    I always thought you could cure depression by telling to yourself to just be happy. How wrong I was… I couldn’t even tell myself to put one foot out of bed 🙂
    It was all so strange, it still is. I can barely recognize myself, I’m trying to be friends with the new me who has maybe a few better things than my old me but it’s still completely unknown to my old me. I miss my old me.

    You write wonderfully! And I’m Paola, nice to meet you and welcome to Survivors. (better late than never!!) 🙂


  2. Hi from your Sister in Faith. You are amazing, I love your honesty good, bad and ugly. Laying my guts on the table, set me free. I have a few more difficulties, never spoken about. I know for sure you’re there for me.


  3. Welcome to the blog, Chris. This is one of the best survivor pages I’ve read. Your talent for expressing your struggle with depression and anger illuminates positive virtues that will always shine through the darkness. Shine on, my friend!

    Liked by 2 people

Let us know what you thinking.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s